K puts on one of the CDs I made and cranks it up. During my thizz research, I found a bunch of songs about the drug and downloaded them from LimeWire. If the pills are a bust, I can probably make some money selling bootlegged CDs. The hard-hitting bass and raspy lyrics confuse the crowd. Only K’s cousins and a few other people know the words and sing along. By the time the second verse hits, half the party is on their feet. Troy and the other cousins, who haven’t moved from the sofa, are now socializing with the rest of the guests. The pills we passed out must be kicking in. Fifteen minutes ago this was a room full of strangers, now people are treating each other like long-lost friends. Lots of hugs and high fives going around the room. Hell, I’m even smiling, and I haven’t taken anything.

The CD is on its second rotation when Troy turns it off to make a toast. He stands in the middle of the room, holding a bottle of Hennessy towards K. “Cuz, you’re like a little brother. I can’t tell you how much it means to have you throw this party for me.” He pounds his fist against his enormous chest and looks to be fighting back tears. “I love you, bro.” He reaches for K. They hug as the crowd oohs and aahs. Troy’s brothers join them, turning the hug into a mountain of flesh and frizzy hair. Then one of them jumps back and says, “Let’s get hyphy in this bitch!” They break apart and K turns the music back up.

Watching the crowd become overtaken by thizz isn’t like watching someone chug a beer or take a shot. After a shot, your body shivers in disgust. When the thizz hits, everyone in the house looks like they are having the time of their lives.

I spot Nick walking into the kitchen and make my way through hands and bodies to reach him. I have to fight off two chicks that want desperately to make me the meat in their dance sandwich. I slap away their roaming hands and stumble into the kitchen. “Fuck! There are some aggressive chicks out there.”

“I guess that answers my question.” Nick laughs.

I look at Nick like he’s speaking another language. “What question?”

“I was going to ask if you took your pill, but you wouldn’t be bitchin about getting gang-raped by some wasted chicks if you did.” Nick looks past me towards the girls dancing like strippers in the doorway. I realize it’s the notorious Martinez twins—Alisa and Amy. They’re not really twins, just cousins. They look like rejects from a rap video, grinding on each other in a way that I’ve only seen on cable television. Neither of them have ever looked in my direction; now they’re all over me.

“What are you thinking? The one on the right?” The question is a test. I want to see how serious he is about Dani.

“Alisa Martinez, huh? She is hot.” Nick grins and nudges me with his elbow. “She’s all you, Matty.”

“You’re right, the one on the left it more your type.” The girl on the left puts a lollipop in her mouth then takes it out slowly, letting the tip linger between her lips before sucking it back in. Even I’m getting turned on.

“Nah, I’m good.” Nick turns back to the cup on the counter like there aren’t two hot chicks ready to drop to their knees a few feet away. “Actually I wanted to tell you…”

He didn’t bite, but he’s sober. All of that will change once we take a pill.

“Let’s do it.” I take the pill from my pocket and hold it up. Nick stops talking and offers me the cup in his hand. I take a huge gulp and fight the urge to gag. “Oh, shit! Why the fuck are you drinking vodka?” I grab a beer from the ice chest on the ground and pop the top on the edge of the counter. I take a long drink, and fear starts to resonate over what I’ve just done.

“It’s not for me. I was trying to tell you that I brought…”

Nick is saying something, but I can’t focus on him. I just took a pill. A drug. An illegal drug. I’m freaking out.

Nick will be back any second, and I still haven’t decided if I want to take ecstasy with him. I have no formal opinion on drug use. It’s never been offered to me. I’ve never been invited into a group passing a joint back and forth. I guess if I did smoke, I’d just jump in line and wait my turn. See, I don’t even know the protocol. Heather was right, this is not my scene. I was joking when I told her I went to book clubs, but I really wish there was a room full of book nerds out there discussing plot twists. Not a house full of teenagers indulging in drugs and dancing to rap music.

The door opens and Nick walks in the room. He closes the door behind him. Being alone with Nick is the least of my worries. He hands me a fresh drink and a little blue pill. “It’s my first time too,” he tells me. “It’ll be like a milestone for both of us. Something we’ll always remember.”

I like the idea of sharing a milestone with Nick, but I was thinking more along the lines of first love. “I don’t know.” I look at the clock. “It’s getting late.” It’s half past eleven. Lucy will be home soon. I’m not feeling as confident about the note I left her and the way she’ll react when she gets home and finds me gone.

“Look, I’m not trying to force you into something you don’t want to do.” Nick places his hand on my knee and warms my entire body. “We can leave. I’ll take you home before shit gets too out of hand. I don’t know how hard it’s going to hit me.” It sounds like Nick is going to take a pill whether I do it or not. Which means someone else will replace me in this milestone.

I look at the pill and wonder what back-alley lab it was made in. Who knows what has been packed into this thing. “What is it exactly?”

“It’s ecstasy. And I’m told it’s pure. Real good shit.” Nick looks at the pill in his hand. “Honestly, I have no idea what to expect, but everyone out there seems to be having fun, so I think it’s safe, and I trust the guy I got it from.” Nick seems confident about that. But whoever sold him the pill was just trying to push their product. I wonder if he’s in the living room. Seeing who is selling these things might make me feel a little better about taking it.

“So, you’re telling me you bought drugs from the world’s only honest drug dealer?” Nick sucks in a breath, like I just punched him in the stomach. He sort of smirks and shakes his head. I think he’s insulted, like I’m implying he’s been duped. If a portal to an unknown land opened up in this room right now, I would jump through it and never look back.

“It’s alright.” Nick holds out his hand, he wants the pill back.

I close my fingers around the tablet. “I just meant…you can’t trust a drug dealer.”

Nick scoffs. “I wouldn’t trust me if I were you either.”

“Well, you’re not a drug dealer, so I have nothing to worry about.” I try to lighten the mood, but he seems even more distraught. Like every word out of my mouth is hurting him. I sound like the pretentious bitch Heather King labeled me as during my first week of school.

Nick runs his hand through his hair. He opens his mouth to say something, then stops when someone cranks up the volume on the music. He pushes his open palm towards me, waiting for me to give back the pill so he can offer it to someone else. Some slut that will consider taking a pill with Nick as some sort of honor. Nick looks at the door, then back to me. He’s waiting for me to decide. It’s my choice.

Do I go home and never see Nick again? Never feel his hand in mine or his eyes in my direction? If I leave I give up his touch, his smell, the way he smiles at me. Or do I stay, take this pill, and be linked in this milestone with him for all eternity? There should be another choice in there somewhere, but I can’t find it. I don’t want to take this pill any more than I wanted this drink or to be at this party.

But here I am.

Sitting on a bed with the most charming, totally terrifying boy I’ve ever met.