And I’m putting the pill in my mouth.

And I’m swallowing it with a vodka and orange juice I didn’t want.

And he is smiling at me.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to,” I lie. I think it’s a lie. It’s not a lie. I did it for him. I did it for me. I did it because I couldn’t think of a reason not to.

I watch Nick pop the pill in his mouth and swallow it with my drink. He places the cup on the nightstand and turns around with a huge smile. “You’re awesome.” The look of admiration on his face is worth taking a thousand pills.

Nick and I sit side by side on the bed like a couple of old people watching the evening news. We talk about my job at the café and what plans we have for spring break while we wait to be overtaken by thizz. I have to admit, I’m not really scared. The pill was so small and insignificant, how much effect can it actually have on me?

“It kind of sucks that you have to work during spring break.” Nick takes my hand, reinforcing my decision to take the pill. I can’t give this up. Not yet.

“I don’t have to work. I want to. It keeps me busy.” I like the way my hand looks inside his. I just wish my nails were painted, or at least clean. I see little bits of coffee under my thumbnail. I hope he doesn’t notice. Boys like Nick hold manicured hands, not stubby, dry hands like mine. I pull my unworthy hand from his and pretend to fix my hair. “What are your plans?”

Nick waits for me to finish fiddling with my ponytail, then takes my hand again. “You,” he says confidently. “I plan on making you fall in love with me.”

I think my heart just stopped. I seriously have no pulse. My heart has been ripped from my chest by those words. Nick’s words. I look from my lap to Nick’s awaiting smile. There isn’t a hint of mockery on his face. He smiles with his whole face. His mouth, his eyes, he has the eyes of someone I want to love. Someone I will love. I should say something, but I can’t. I can’t speak or move. It’s a miracle I’m even breathing.

The music in the other room is vibrating the whole house. It makes me lightheaded. I know I’m sitting on a bed, but I feel like I’m in an elevator shooting to the top of a sky scraper. My stomach is in my throat. My heart is floating somewhere above my head.

Nick is watching me.

Smiling.

A big, happy smile.

I’m smiling now.

A big goofy smile.

My heart beats rapidly. A beat I’ve never felt before.

I take a deep breath and exhale slowly.

This is it.

This is me falling in love with Nick Marino.

No. This is thizz.

Ho-ly shit.

This is amazing. Thizz is amazing.

Nick stands, and I stand too.

He takes my hand and kisses it, then pulls me into his arms.

We laugh. At nothing. At everything.

He asks me if I’m ready.

I nod, but I don’t know what I’m agreeing to.

I stop caring. I just go.

He leads me into the party.

There’s a party going on!

The living room is vibrating.

The bass from the stereo pumps through my chest in place of my missing heart.

It feels good.

My head bobs to the beat of a song I don’t know. But I love it!

Nick looks back at me and smiles.

Those eyes. That mouth. I lean towards him and push my mouth onto his.

I’m kissing him.

I feel him smiling as he kisses me back.

Cheering. People are cheering.

Nick breaks away and high fives K.

They hug, then he hugs another guy, and another guy.

I stumble into the kitchen and see fresh red cups.

A dark-haired girl with a red tank top and white jeans offers me a drink.

I thank her. Her name is Alisa. She’s nice. She has a cousin named Amy. She smiles at me with a big, goofy grin.

We sip from our cups and smile at each other, at the room, at life.

I feel amazing.

I’m still trying to convince myself I’m not going to die as I fall out the front door. I lean on the porch railing and look into the empty street.

How are you going to sell this shit, if you’re too scared to take it?

“You ok?” I hear a female voice coming from the shadows.

Haley is sitting on the porch swing.

“I’m good.” I try to regain my composure.

“Come and sit.”

I don’t want her company, but I do as she says. I don’t want to be alone in case I start to die or something. “You gotta joint?”

“No, sorry,” she says and offers a bottle of water. “Did you take a pill?”

I wave the bottle away. “No, yeah. I mean, I just took it.”

“I took mine like two hours ago. I’m so fucked-up right now.” Haley tosses her head back and closes her eyes.

“You look totally sober to me.” As soon as I say that, I see her jaw tighten and release like she’s chewing on something.

“Believe me, I don’t feel sober. I feel fuck-ing amazing!” She grinds her teeth and kicks off the porch, forcing the swing into motion.

I laugh at the enthusiasm in her voice, but the swinging makes me nauseous. I drag my foot to slow it and then stand up. I lean on the porch railing and watch her chew on imaginary gum. I feel something different in her demeanor. She isn’t herself. She’s softer, happier than she was at the bonfire.

She stops the swing and says, “You know I used to totally crush on you in the seventh grade.”

I knew she liked me back then, but she was still in her awkward phase. When I was twelve I was in love with Jessica Alba and Angelina Jolie, and girls from school couldn’t compete with that. I shrug and kick her foot out from under her. The swing moves again.

“You’re the nice one. That’s what all the girls say. Matt’s the nice one and Nick’s the hot one.” She wets her lips with water and smiles.

“Whatever.” I snatch the water from her and take a drink. My mouth suddenly feels dry. Haley is watching me. It sort of makes me uncomfortable. “Thanks for the swing,” I say and hand her the water bottle.

She grins and runs her hand along mine before taking the bottle. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re hot.” She grabs the front of my hoodie and kisses me. Against my better judgement—I let her.

The tingling sensation starts in my feet and works its way up my legs until every nerve in my body is vibrating. I fall onto the swing with a thump. The kiss ends as abruptly as it began, and Haley goes back to swinging as if nothing happened. The swing is moving back and forth, back and forth. Haley sits quietly beside me. I close my eyes and literally feel my entire body go numb.

“DUDE!” Nick yells from the doorway. “This is fucking awesome!” I spring to my feet, and it feels like the first time I hit a home run in little league, pure exhilaration. “Thizz is going to change everything!” Nick screams into the empty air.

I’m bouncing on the balls of my feet in front of Nick. He mimics my movements and we mock fight on the porch. Haley squeals with delight on the swing. I leave Nick and scoop her into my arms. I squeeze her like I did Dani earlier, but Haley squeezes back. She even kisses my neck before I set her down.

“Dude, we are going to make so much fucking money!” Nick grabs my hand and pulls me in for a bro hug. “Fucking Stanford, dude!” Nick knows how badly I want to go. The fact that he brought me in on this shows what a good friend he is.

“Thank you, man,” I say with more sincerity than I’ve ever felt in my life. I hug Nick and pound his back.

“You’re my boy, Matty. Always have been, always will be. Nothing comes between this.” Nick points to the space between us.

“Nothing.” I look him square in eye and think of Dani. I have to ask. I have to know if his feelings are real. I need to know he cares about her. If he does, I’ll let her go, I think. “What’s up with you and Dani?”