On the walk back to his place… our place… I make sure to make eye contact with every person that passes me. None of them look like they know me, or are up to anything suspicious, but that doesn’t loosen the grip I have on Hannah’s stroller.

No one will take her from me.

Walking back into the apartment, I grab my phone and text Benton that we’re back inside safely and locked in. I texted him a few times from the park, but he never answered. I hope he’s just busy, and not hurt and needing me somewhere.

See?! That’s where my mind fucking goes. Always negative. It pisses me off.

I was right that Hannah would fall asleep and pat myself on the back when I’m able to get her in her crib without her waking up.

After checking the door and window locks one more time, I sit on the couch and call Annaliese. We spoke briefly the other day when she called and apologized for everything that happened here the night I finally told Benton, but really she didn’t have to. After everything calmed down from that, I realized that she couldn’t have done anything more perfect… because it brought Benton and I closer in the long run. I haven’t, however, filled her in on the drama with my mom. She needs to know… Me being in her wedding could be catastrophic.

“Hey, bitch,” she answers.

“Love you too,” I joke. “What’re you up to?”

“Nothing,” she huffs. “Adam told me to go shopping today and get things for the honeymoon, but I don’t plan on wearing anything the entire two weeks… soooooo there’s not much to buy.” She laughs, helping mend my worries about the two of them.

“Just a week away, babe… You ready for this?”

“Ugh, yes,” she answers exasperatedly. “I’m ready to move on with our lives together, as man and wife… and not have to keep everything so secretive and quiet. I have a fucking team of people ready to wait on me hand and foot next weekend, but all I want is to be in Adam’s arms and on that private Island for two weeks. Too bad we have to wait a month for that; I just want it now. I couldn’t care less about the ceremony, the people… I mean my dress is beautiful, so that’d be a shame… but all I want is him.”

Somewhere in her speech I found myself daydreaming about what it would be like if I ever were to get married. Of course, it wouldn’t be anything near as extravagant as Annaliese and Adam’s wedding, but I’d still want a party. Just a party. Maybe a courthouse wedding, maybe a small get together with family and friends… but I would want to party. I’ve never really let myself think about what my life would be like when I grew up because I never thought I’d make it. Now, the thought of actually getting married and being with that one person has my mind flying around like it’s on drugs. Scattered and focused at the same damn time.

“What’s up, Gab? You never call me in the middle of the day,” she says.

“Oh… um…” I pause, then start talking and don’t stop until I’ve told her everything.  Every little detail. It’s amazing that, a year ago, I’d never told anyone about my life before college, and now I find that talking to my boyfriend and best friend is one of the most therapeutic things to do. By the time I’m done, she’s silent.

Annaliese is never silent.

“Annie?” I whisper into the phone.

“I hate that name,” she whispers, and then laughs, forcing a chuckle out of me. “Jesus, Gabby. What are you going to do?”

“Hide?”

“Well, that’s not an option. You’re the maid of honor at my fucking wedding. No you… no wedding.”

“Annaliese, I’m not putting your wedding day on the line.”

“Gabby, you don’t even know if she’s actually coming for you! You can’t pull out of your best friend’s wedding just because you’re scared!”

“Shit.” I sigh. “I know… but, if you don’t want me there, I understand. You don’t know her… she’s fucking evil.”

“Fuck you, Gabby. Stop being so ‘woe is me’ and be happy that I’m getting married! You’re the fucking maid of honor, and I’m the bride that gets what she wants,” she says, then bursts out laughing. “Sorry… I tried to channel Bridezilla… it didn’t work.” She laughs and I immediately feel better.

“So, you’re cool with me still being there?”

“Of course! I told you, I’m not getting married without you there. You’re family… the little family I have left.”

“Love you, woman,” I say, then hear Hannah wake up from her nap. “Gotta go, bitch. I’m being summoned,” I joke.

“Later, sweets.”

By the time I get Hannah up, changed, and fed a snack, it’s almost time for Benton to be home.

Home.

Smiling, I wander around his place while Hannah plays in her bouncer.

Home.

I call my place my place… I called the apartment I shared with Annaliese our apartment. I called the place I lived when I was younger my mother’s house, because it never felt like home. It’s insane to think that this beautiful place will be my home.

Vaulted ceilings… I guess being on the top floor of a remodeled condo building can have its perks. Dark wood floors are a manly touch to the otherwise bare décor. I wonder if he lived here with his wife, or if he moved after she passed. If I were him, I would have moved.

Making my way back to the living room, Hannah looks ready to get out of her bouncer, and I’m ready to do something else but play with blocks and balls. Grinning, I search the place until I find exactly what I’m looking for.

Finger paints.

By the time Benton makes it home, Hannah and I are well on our way to making the biggest mess ever with finger paints. Apparently, she likes the taste because I’ve spent the past five minutes trying to stop her from eating it.

“Wow,” Benton says chuckling. He drops his bags next to the door and laughs again, hands on his hips. “So how was your day, little miss?” he asks Hannah, leaning in to kiss the top of her head. It’s hilarious watching him try to escape her tiny messy fingers when she grabs for him. I never pegged him as a man who cared much for vanity, but he obviously doesn’t want that suit getting washable finger paint on it.

“Hey, you,” he says smiling at me. “How was it today?” His hands cup my face gently and I melt into him. It feels so good, so natural, him coming home to Hannah and me playing. I haven’t had an attack all day, which is hopeful and reassuring that I’m making the right choice.

“Wonderful,” I answer.  “I love her.” Our eyes connect and he smiles, leaning in to kiss me gently on the lips. So much of me wishes I could push this further, but, with his daughter starting to pull for him, I know that’s not a good idea.

“I’m going to have to do a little work from here tonight,” he says, walking to the kitchen.

Work from home? He’s never had to do that.

“Oh. Okay,” I say, picking Hannah up and heading to the sink to wash her up before dinner. “Everything going okay?”

“Yes. Everything is fine,” he says, sighing. He looks worried about something. I hope he’s not keeping something from me.

“You sure?” I push for more, but he doesn’t budge.

“Positive, Gabby. Sorry… just stressed. There’s a few business acquisitions we may be getting that have me on edge. I can’t really talk about anything else until it’s all final.”

“Ok. I get it, trust me.” He nods silently, watching me clean off Hannah’s hands. “So, dinner tonight?”

“Let’s order in. I need to go to the store,” he says, sighing as he looks in his bare fridge.

“I can go tomorrow. You’re busy. Hannah and I can go to the store.” I say it without thinking that he might not want me to have her tomorrow. I mean… he is paying for daycare. Maybe he wants her there.

“Oh… ok. Yeah. That works,” he says. I notice him clenching his jaw and watching me. I wish he’d tell me what’s going on tonight. He seems off about something.

“You heard anything about your mom?”

“Oh, um. No. I haven’t had the news on today, though.” I shrug it off, trying not to let the comment get to me. Obviously, the thought crossed his mind that it’s not safe for me to take his daughter out in public. It crossed mine too, the minute I said I’d take her, but I can’t let him see my self-doubt or else he’s not going to let me be with her again… and I can’t have that.