“Here, sorry… uh… hi, El,” she stammers, handing me my things.

I don’t stick around for what happens next, though from Gabby’s surprise to Ellie’s grin, I’m assuming it isn’t anything good… for them at least.

Grinning to myself, I head to the car to go get my baby, and hopefully get her home before naptime. Last night was a long night, and I didn’t sleep much. This daddy could definitely use some couch snuggles with his girl before work starts again tomorrow.

Walking into my parents’ house, my senses immediately flare at the smell of my mom’s homemade meatloaf.

Dammit, I miss that.

“Hey, Mom! Dad, I’m here!” I yell upstairs, hearing the TV on in the playroom. Putting money on the fact that they’re both playing with Hannah, I make my way into the kitchen for a soda. Coffee sounds better, but it looks like they’ve already emptied the pot for today.

“Hey, son,” my dad says, rounding the corner with Hannah in his arms. “She’s a busy one!” he laughs as she wiggles out of his grip and lunges for me.

“Dada!!!” The squeal that comes out of her is heartwarming. She’s always so happy to see me.

Adopting a baby turned out to be the only way that Carly and I were ever going to have a family. When she was in the accident last year, and taken from me far too early, I decided to go along with the adoption, because I thought it would help all of the emotions rolling through me. Being able to focus on another life than focusing on the bad in mine sounded like a solid plan. And it was, for a couple weeks, until the sleepless nights caught up with me.

That’s when the piercings and tattoos started.

I don’t have many, but it’s a way for me to feel like a human again when my mind won’t stop replaying that night a year ago, and my body won’t stop shutting down due to lack of sleep. I needed something to make me feel. At one point in the last year, I found that in pain.

Now, I’ve found it with Gabby.

Gabby

Lies

Oh, shit, Gabrielle! What did you do?!

The voices ring in my head, muddling the noise of the courtroom. Closing my eyes, I try to black out the attack, but it useless. Why today?!

“Fuck, Gabby!”

His screams pierce my ears loud enough to cripple me to my chair. I close my eyes, shutting out everything around me, and try to block out the flashback that started all because I didn’t have a chance to read the fine details of this case until making it into the court room today.

Shit! Breathe, Gabby. Breathe.

Five…

“Ma’am, you have to stay back!”

Four…

“Noo!!!”

Three…. Breathe … two…

Oh god, what have I done?

One…

Opening my eyes, I flick my gaze around the courtroom until I can focus on something. Anything. Of course, today this would happen. My heart’s pounding, and all I can do is stare at the plant that my eyes have focused on. One fucking plant. The people moving about are still are a blur. My assistant is talking to me, but I can’t make out his words. Everything is slowly coming back, but that was a bad one.

Shit, one of these times an attack like that is going to hit me in the middle of a case, or in the middle of my driving home. One of these times it’s going to get me killed, and I’m not entirely too upset about that thought. Maybe that’s just what I deserve.

“Gabby?” Lance’s voice cuts through the fog, and I glance over at him. His face is etched with worry, and my guilt immediately starts eating at me that he’s worried about me. People shouldn’t worry about me. I’m not fine. I’ll never be fine, so there’s no need to worry because there’s nothing they can do. “Hey, you okay?” His eyebrows scrunch together and I sigh.

No. No I’m not okay. I’m broken, and there’s no fixing me.

Unfortunately, I can’t tell him that. I can’t tell anyone that. Ever.

What I can do, however, is pull up my big girl panties, paste on the smile I’ve perfected, and kick this case’s ass. Anything that has to do with a small child immediately comes to me. They all know I’m passionate about it, but none of them know why. I like to keep my personal life away from… well… everyone.

“Yep. I’m fine, let’s do this.” Standing, I take my files to the judge for review, and then return to my seat as the defending attorney does the same. How someone can defend scumbags like that is beyond me. I’d never be able to do that, no matter how much money they offer me.

Within two hours, the case is closed and another win is notched on my belt. My first few wins, I’d felt the rush of the victory, but now a win means nothing more than the good guy won, the bad guy lost, and back to the real world we all go. A loss… well, those are devastating. Grabbing my phone, I see a missed call from Benton and a few missed texts from Ellie. Grinning, I reply to the texts before putting Benton on Bluetooth on the way home. She’s already at my apartment waiting, so this phone call can only last as long as it takes for me to get home. He knows about Ellie… he’s known the entire time that I’m open in my relationships, so I don’t get too attached, but he’s not really a fan of Ellie. She’s hot, and good in bed, but she can be a bit of a bitch.

“Hey,” he answers, Hannah crying in the background. I’ve never met her, but his love for her shows brightly through his rough spots. Not jealous at all of him at this point in the day. I’m looking forward to getting home and having dessert before dinner tonight. That’s hard to do with kids at home.

“Hi, what’s up?” Turning into Chicago traffic, I curse and hit the brakes. The light’s green, but the three lights ahead of us are red, so I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. I grab my phone as a new text comes through to see what my plans for tonight are.

Oooh, very nice, Ellie.

“I was seeing what you have going on tomorrow. Hannah’s going to my parents for a bit,” he says, hopefully, which makes me grin a bit wider. Already grinning from the image Ellie just sent me, I put the phone back after replying to her and finally answer Benton.

“Don’t you think this is getting to be a lot?” I say, worried that I’m getting a little too attached to him already. He’s been around for months now. The first time together, it was all fun and games. The second time together, it was like fucking fireworks. Every time since then keeps getting better and better, and compared to my other partners in the last seven months, none of them hold a candle to the orgasms that Benton brings me. I’d love to see him every night, but that’s where the problem lies.

I can’t do that.

I can’t let myself get that close to anyone again. I know it won’t end well. I let myself get this wrapped up with him. Sleeping with him for the past seven months is the longest running male connection I’ve had since the accident, but I can’t let it go further.

“Uh… no?” he says, agitation lacing his voice.

“Really? Because that’ll be about six times in the last week.” Six amazing, mind-blowing times that blow every other partner out of the water, Ellie included, but I’d never tell him that. I just need to keep my distance, and I’m worried spending so much time with him is just going to lead to more heartbreak than is needed. Maybe it’s time I start backing away.

“Gab if you’re done with me, just tell me,” he huffs, obviously annoyed with the screaming baby in the background. “Listen, I’ve gotta go. Call me later, okay?”

“Yes, sure. Absolutely,” I say, grinning. Hopefully, Ellie will be gone by the time I have to call him back. No need to rub in his face, no need to make him upset.

See! This is why I don’t do long term relationship fucks! They start expecting something, and then things just get all kinds of muddled.