Even when my mind is muddled with every emotions possible, he still has a way of getting through and soaking my panties with one small smirk. Coming behind him, I instinctively wrap my arms around his midsection and hug him, feeling him, still in his dishwashing, before his hands, wet with soap, clasp on to mine. We don’t say anything, just hold each other. I know he hurts, he knows I have issues though he doesn’t know specifics, but we both accept that. We hold each other like we’re holding ourselves together. In this crazy world, we’re just two broken souls; one trying to move on, one trying to forget.
When he clears his throat, I loosen my grip on him as he turns and looks at me, his hands resting on my arms.
“How are you, really, Gabby?” His voice full of sadness, and it angers me because I hate pity. I don’t want to be pitied.
“I’m okay, Benton. I promise,” I whisper, not looking him in the eyes. He knows what I’m doing, though. He knows I’m not okay.
“Come on,” he says, taking my hand and leading me to the living room. We sit on the couch, so he turns in his spot and starts playing with a tendril of hair that fell out of my bun at some point in the evening. Absentmindedly twisting it between his fingers, he sighs and looks me in the eyes, his deep brown meeting my light brown. Nothing else matters right now, but this connection. With this one connection, I feel real.
“I need to tell you something, and I need you to listen.” He clears his throat and his eyes move to his fingers playing with my hair. “I went and saw my therapist today,” he starts. I nod, knowing that he’s been seeing one for quite some time, but never knowing any details about it.
I could never talk about my meetings with Dr. Travers, so I’m astounded he’s able to. It takes a big person to be able to admit they have a problem out loud, to someone else.
“Gabby, I love spending time with you. Time inside the bedroom is the best I’ve ever experienced,” he curses and sighs. “Time outside the bedroom, even though you make me pretend we aren’t together most of the time, is still fan-fucking-tastic.” He shakes his head and chuckles. “You know, if you would’ve told me a year ago I’d be having this type of conversation right now, I would’ve thought you were on drugs, but here we are, and this is real, and we can’t keep playing these games.”
I feel my breath start to come on faster as he keeps talking about us, and about how we can’t be anymore. No! Did he come here tonight just to break this… this thing that we have… apart? He wouldn’t have. He’s not that type of person. I can’t be without him right now. I can’t be alone. Alone is no good. Life without Benton is no good. Fuck! I can’t become dependent on him. What the fuck, Gabby?!
“Benton, I like our time together, too,” I whisper when he pauses. He needs to know, though, that I can’t do commitment. He’ll just end up getting hurt.
“Gabby, listen,” he stands, his body starting to tense. “I have anger issues. I always have. I used to deal with them by fighting, but then everything changed a year ago, and I’ve been learning to deal with them in other ways. Seeing you with other people, seeing you with someone that’s not me, makes me so mad and I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. I can’t. I’m a fucking father, Gabby!” he yells, cursing and pacing, trying to calm himself down. “I can’t do this.” He waves his arms between us, and I feel the panic start to well. My vision is creeping on blurry and my head feels like its spinning.
“Benton, please stop,” I whisper, closing my eyes.
“Gabby, I can’t. I can’t stop, because I’m addicted to you. I’m addicted to how I wake up with your entire body wrapped around mine. I’m addicted to your fucking crazy hair, and your smile, and humor, and you. I’m addicted to you, Gabby, and I don’t want to quit you, but I will. I will for my daughter if you can’t promise me. No one else, Gabby.”
Opening my eyes, astounded that he’d give me that ultimatum, I gasp when I see him. I broke him. The man that I have grown close to in the last 5 months, the man that’s the best lay I’ve ever had… the man that I don’t want to love, but I’m afraid that’s what these feelings are. Fuck.
“Benton.” I’m shaking my head, tears starting to well up, as I watch his face fall. Walking over to me, he drops to his knees and takes my hands in his, forcing the tears in my eyes to roll down my cheeks. Shit, Gabby. “I’m broken, Benton,” I whisper, through my tears. “I’m broken, and not good for you.”
“Goddamnit, Gabby, stop. You’re the best thing I’ve had in a very long time. You’re strong, brave, and beautiful,” he whispers, kissing my hands. “I just need you for myself, and it’s fucking selfish, but, if I can’t have that, I can’t keep doing this.”
I sigh and take my hands from his, wiping my face, then taking his face in my hands, I look into his beautiful, sad, brilliant eyes. I don’t want him to be sad, I don’t want to be alone, and with Ellie leaving me today, I will be if he leaves. I know the consequences of my decision right now could be terrible, but, for some reason, I don’t care. Fate is going to do what it needs to do, when it needs to do it. I’m going to finally do something I want to do, because I want to do it, and not because I feel like I deserve it, because I don’t. I don’t deserve him, but, for some reason, he wants me. I don’t deserve to be happy, and I’m nowhere near being happy every day, but, when I’m with him, I see happy and I feel like I can reach it.
“No more Ellie,” I whisper, starting to grin.
“No more anyone, Gab. It’s you and me. That’s it.” His voice is raw with emotion and my heart immediately hurts for this man. I’ve caused him so much pain, I should let him go and find someone that is normal… but I’m selfish, too.
I’ll take what I can give with him. I can give him sex. Lots of it, since he’ll be the only one. It’s been a tremendous amount of time since that’s been the case, since I’ve only had one partner, but I’m willing to try it for him. Maybe this is what my mind needs to calm down a little bit. I can focus on one thing, and not trying to focus on two totally different people and make them both happy.
Maybe this can work.
“No one, B. No one else.” I smile when his eyes go wide.
“Really?” he whispers, like he wasn’t expecting me to say that. His hands go around my wrists, holding on to them, as I smile and nod, then he leans in and kisses me. Not just a kiss, but the strongest connection we’ve ever had.
“I can’t promise you it’ll work, Benton,” I say, pulling back. “And I’m warning you, I’m not normal. I’m far from it,” I whisper, pressing my forehead to his. “But I’m willing to try.”
“Fuck yes. Fuck. Yes. Gabby,” he growls, scooping me up and carrying me to the bedroom, wails of laughter coming out of me as he throws me on the bed and slams his lips to mine, ripping the clothes off of me, tossing his to the side, and diving in for a taste of me.
“God, fuck, baby, you taste so good,” he growls, pushing one, then two fingers inside me. Arching my back, I push into him, resting my hand on his head as he tastes, licks, and hums into my core.
This is happy. This is my happy place.
In bed with the one man that helps me forget.
The next morning, I head in to work, drained from lying awake in bed all night last night. I can’t seem to function properly and have already lost three emails that I’ve typed out and exited before sending. Nothing’s working right today, but I can’t leave. I’m starting to get backlogged with cases, and am not finishing more than I’m receiving. I’d love to be made partner someday, but, at this rate, I’ll be lucky if I can keep this job until Christmas.
“Hey Gab,” Lance knocks on the door to my office. “I have a Chelsea Barnes on the phone. She says it’s urgent.” He quirks an eyebrow in question, and waits for my response.