***

By the time I make it home from dinner with my parents, it’s well past Hannah’s bedtime. She’s so comfortable sleeping on my shoulder that I almost lay on the couch with her and let her snuggle on me all night. I’m not dumb. I know eventually she’s going to not want anything to do with her big old dad. I know she’s going to start asking questions in a few years about her mom, and why she doesn’t have one. Just the thought of those questions breaks my heart, but it’s a conversation that’s going to have to happen in order for her to truly understand how much I love her. Sure, I work a lot, and I’m always busy, but I do it all for her. I wanted her so badly, and I got her. At one point I was close to losing her, and I can’t have that again. I won’t have that again.

Deciding to let her sleep in her own bed so I can get some work done, I kiss her forehead gently and lay her down, turning on the music and night light for her that she sleeps with. Clicking the door closed as gently as possibly as to not wake her, I walk down the hallway and into my small office, then absentmindedly head to the computer and start scrolling through images on the laptop. Images from a few years back, when we thought we had everything.

Mam how things can change.

When my phone buzzes, I smile from a text from Gabby.

Gabby: Busy tonight?

Me: Swamped. Tired. Wore out. Tomorrow? We can take Hannah to the park.

I hit send before I really think about what I just asked her. She hasn’t met Hannah yet, and she’s never shown interest in her. Shit, what if she doesn’t want anything to do with her? Suddenly starting to panic that I just ruined things for us, I call her to hear her voice. To make sure things are still okay.

“Was I not texting fast enough?” she asks, and I can hear the smile in her voice.

“I mean… sorry. I just needed to hear your voice.” The lie runs off my tongue and I’m happy with it. I’d rather not let her know that I just freaked myself out for nothing.

“Well, hey there, then.” She giggles and I can just picture her curled up on the couch under a huge blanket.

“Hey,” I chuckle. “So, park tomorrow. I uh-”

“I’d love to, Benton. I think it’s about time, don’t you?”

I release a breath I didn’t know I was holding and smile.

“Absolutely.”

Gabby

The Look

I can do this. I want to do this.

So, why am I starting to freak out?

I need to do this. I need to show him that I’m okay being around his little girl. I need to show him that I can be normal, or he’ll leave me. If he leaves me, I’ll be alone. If I’m alone, I won’t make it. I won’t be able to function if he leaves me, especially if he leaves me because he finds out I’m crazy.

Deep breaths, Gabby. I can do this.

I took an extra pill this morning, something to help calm my nerves, as well as some Benadryl just in case. Any normal person would practically be in a coma because of the overload of meds this morning that are flowing through my system, but I’m so used to all of it that it just slightly numbed my heightened senses.

The park we’re meeting at is just a few blocks from my apartment, which also happens to the half way between Benton’s place and mine. Chicago is great for this, with parks on practically every block and tons of lunch and picnic options along the way. I have about four hours until we’re supposed to meet, and if I sit around doing nothing my head is going to insane again by worrying about everything that could go wrong. I can’t do that. I have to be able to focus today, and an attack isn’t in the cards.  To take my mind off everything else happening, I do the one thing I know will be able help me focus, short of going out and finding another sex partner.

I clean.

I clean so hard that an hour in I’m dripping with sweat and disgusting. I clean with the music so loud, that I don’t hear Annaliese until she taps me on the shoulder and screams.

“WHAT THE HELL?!” I scream, flipping around to find my best friend grinning at me. “Shit, woman. Don’t you warn someone before you make them shit themselves?!”

I fucking hate people scaring me, and she knows it!

“I called. Then I knocked. Then I got worried you were dead, so I used my key you gave me. Glad you’re not dead.” Her smiling gives me a calmness that I need right now.

“Thanks, bitch. I almost pissed myself from that. You know I hate being scared,” I huff, tossing the dust rag I was using on the fan in the living room on the table, then grab a bottle of water and chug it down.

“Welcome. What’s going on today? You wanna go shopping?”

“Oh uh… I’ve got plans…” I trail off, wondering if I should tell her about Benton or not. I guess I could, since it’s officially official that we’re together, but I haven’t ran it by him yet so I don’t know if he wants to tell Adam first, or if we should tell them together… see this, again, is why I don’t do this! This is why I stay out of relationships. Because things get messy and confusing, and commitment only means heartbreak for me.

But I did it anyway. I went in and dove into a relationship with a man that I could see myself living happily ever after with.

If only I did that stuff. If only I deserves that stuff. I hate that I’m not going to make it out of this in one piece, but I can’t stay away from him. He’s like a drug. The best drug I’ve ever been prescribed.

“Hello, earth to Gabby?” Annaliese waves her hand in front of me, and I realized I’ve spaced out again.

“Sorry,” I mumble, washing my hands and wiping a cool rag over my face.

“So, you gonna answer me? Plans?” she asks, hands on her hips. “What plans? I’m your best friend. I feel the need to know what put you in such a trance right now. Is it a special someone?” Her grin makes me laugh. She wants so badly for me to have a normal life. To find a happily ever after, like she did with Adam. I love her, but I just don’t see that happening.

I don’t deserve that, Annaliese.

Instead of ruining her day, though, with the news that I took a few lives and ruined tons others, I take the high road and smile and shrug, not giving way to the real reason of what I’m doing today. Not until I talk to Benton about it.

“So you do, then? Are you gonna tell me about him… or her?” Grinning again like she thinks she’s in on a secret, I laugh it off and cock my head at her.

“Don’t you have wedding planning shit to do? It’s just a few weeks away now. Shouldn’t you be too busy to function at this point?”

She sighs and shakes her head.

“No. Adam hired a wedding planner to take over things now that it’s getting so close to the event. He doesn’t want word getting out to the paparazzi or anything.” She shrugs and picks at her nail polish. I have to remind myself that she chose this life. She chose to be married to Mr. Chicago, so she knew all of it would come with a price. That price right now happens to be not being able to plan her own wedding. Something I know she’s wanted to do since the minute they got engaged.

“Listen, Ann. I know you’re bummed about it, but it’s for the best. You don’t need those hogs ruining your wedding day.” She scoffs at my comment and smiles.

“I know; it’s all just so different than I thought.”

“I hear ya, bitch,” I say. “Life doesn’t ever turn out like we thought it would.”

She eyes me like she’s on to me, but I smile and shrug it off before she notices the change in my demeanor. In the time since the accident, I’ve grown to be able to put off a happy vibe even if I don’t feel it. I don’t ever want anyone feeling the hurt that I feel, so I try my hardest to show others the love and kindness that wasn’t ever shown to me, before, or after, the event that changed my world. The only physical appearance leftover from the accident is my eyes. With the impact and the infection from the accident, I’ve been slowly losing sight in my right eye. I’ll never get it back once it’s fully gone, but I’ve grown to accept it. I deserve it, at the very least.