“Fuck, Gabby,” he says, finally rolling to his back.

I know he loves me. He’s not running from me. I have to push back the feelings that he’s trying to figure out how to push me away and try to focus on the fact that he’s still here and I’m still here. I just told him something huge; obviously, he needs time to process it. So, I do the only thing I know how to do. I stand up to leave, but not to run away. To give him space. Because I know if someone I love told me something like that, I would need time to figure out my brain.

“I used to fight,” he says, staring at the ceiling. “I was married, and I would get so upset about things that I’d need a release, so I fought. Underground shit for money. I loved the feeling of kicking someone’s face in and watching the blood fly. I loved the rush of winning.” He sits up and looks at me, like he is just realizing what I’m doing. He doesn’t say anything; he just keeps talking. “I used to enjoy hitting people. Gabby… I never hit my wife. I never hit someone outside of that ring. I’m not like that, and I pray you don’t think I’d ever do that.”

“Benton, I’d never,” I whisper, crawling across the bed to touch him. Just one touch and I feel myself calming. Placing my hand on his cheek, I smile when he closes his eyes from my touch. “I know you love me, Benton. I know it; I accept it. I know you’d never hurt me.”

“Why’d you flinch from me earlier?”

Is this what he’s going to hold on to? The fact that my parents hit me when I was younger? He’s not asking about the two people I killed, he’s more worried that I don’t like the fact that he used to fight. Who is this man, and how did I get so lucky to have him?

“Baby… it’s just a reaction. One I’m not proud of, but I found things hurt less when you brace yourself for it. I learned it at a very young age… so any type of aggression… be it angry voice or flexed muscles… it puts me on edge.” I’m not ashamed to talk about that part of my life. I got out when I could, I always knew what they were doing was wrong, so I laid low and left as soon as I could, never looking back.

“You’re not afraid of me? Because I do love you, Gabby. I love you so fucking much it hurts when you shut me out and don’t let me help you,” he whispers, slightly leaning his face in the palm of my hand.

“I know… I’m sorry. Benton I…” I pause and take a breath. “I love you, Benton.” I see his features lighten, and a smile play across his lips. “I love you, but I don’t really know how to love. I don’t know how to do this. I’ve been having terrible panic attacks lately because I start to freak out that I’m going to ruin someone else’s life, and I love you and Hannah so much that it would kill me to hurt you two,” I whisper.

“Gabby, you’re not going to hurt us. I trust you.” He kisses me softly and pulls back to gaze into my eyes. His beautiful dark brown eyes are radiating love for me, and I just want to curl into him and cry, but I’m not finished.

“Benton, I have PTSD. That’s why sometimes you see a glazed look in my eyes… I have flashbacks, and, lately, I’ve been having a shit ton more. I think it’s because I’m being reminded of what I used to have… what I ruined.”

“Baby,” he whispers, pulling me into his arms. “You’re so fucking strong. Whatever you need… whatever I can do… I’m here for you, Gabby. I don’t want you to suffer alone anymore.”

He sounds so positive that he’s going to be able to make me better. I’m not going to ruin his moment by promising him that no one can make me better.

“Can we just lay here for a while? I’m not tired, but I just… I want to feel you,” I say into his chest. He lets out a light chuckle and we lay down in complete silence. I’m not sure how I got all that out without having another panic attack. I think that’s the most I’ve ever talked about that night. Annaliese didn’t even get that much detail. Granted, I haven’t told Benton everything, but he knows the majority of it, he’s still willing to try this out with me, and for that I’m grateful.

About an hour of lying together is all we get before Hannah wakes up. Sighing heavily, he closes his eyes and takes a few breaths before making a move to get off the bed. Before he opens the door, he turns and grins at me.

“I’m making breakfast, taking the morning off, and we’re spending time together. Just us. Here. We’ll figure this out as we go, but I need you with me, Gabby.”

“I need you, too,” I whisper, watching his grin and slight nod before he leaves to get Hannah out of her crib.

I do need him. More than he knows.

The morning goes by with ease. Hannah is definitely a morning kid. So much energy and, even though it’s only been a few days since I’ve seen her, I feel like she’s grown an entire foot!

“It’s only a matter of time before she tries for her first steps,” Benton says from his spot on the floor. We’ve been sitting here for about an hour now, playing with Hannah and giving her some much needed attention. He’s right, though. She’s already developing fast. Next thing we know, she’ll be running all day and we won’t be able to hold her back.

I smile to myself, loving how a word as simple as ‘we’ doesn’t freak me out anymore.

Maybe telling him everything was the best thing I could have done for us.

I can do this, and he can help.

Benton

Death Changes People

“Hey,” Adam calls from his office as I walk into the office. Groaning, I knew this would happen, but I really wished it wouldn’t. Not at work at least, but apparently he can’t wait.

“What’s up?” I ask, popping my head in his door. Maybe if I make it look like I’m in a hurry, he won’t instigate this conversation. I know he’s going to want to talk about last night, but I’d rather not share all of Gabby’s secrets.

“Come on in, close the door,” he says, closing a few windows shut on his computer screen. Groaning, I find my way to his couch and plop down as unprofessionally as I can.

“This isn’t a business meeting, is it?” I ask.

“Nope,” he says, standing and walking around to sit on the edge of his desk. “She talk to you?”

“For once, I just wish I knew something before you,” I say shaking my head. “Of course she did. You really didn’t give her any choice, calling her out like you did. That was rude, dude.”

“It needed to be done. She’s got issues, B.”

“Yeah,” I say, rubbing my neck remembering her words this morning. “I know.”

“So, she tell you what happened?”

“About the accident?”

“Yes,” he drawls. “And the whole ‘blacking out while watching your baby’ thing.”

“Oh,” I say, thinking back to our conversation. “No… no she hasn’t.” She hasn’t, but I know she’d never do it on purpose. It may be stupid of me, but I seriously trust her with my daughter. Maybe I shouldn’t, though. Maybe I should just make it to where they never have alone time anymore. That seems incredibly unfair to both of them, but how am I supposed to make sure something like that doesn’t happen again? I’ve lost a wife and a mother in the past year. I can’t lose a daughter and the woman I love. I won’t have that.

“She can’t be with her, Benton,” he growls. “What if she was out in public with Hannah and that happened? What would’ve happened to your baby girl?”

He has a point. Gabby can’t go out with Hannah until I know she’s clear of the blackouts. She did say this morning that things have been getting worse lately. I wonder if being around us is causing her to have more? Now that I know her past, I can only assume that we bring back things she’d rather not remember.

Shit!

“Dude… I can’t leave her with Hannah,” I whisper, sitting back on the couch, feeling like I’ve been sucker punched.

How can the woman I feel like I could’ve spent the rest of my life with be this broken?