That’s how low I’ve gotten.
“Lay down, babe. It’s the middle of the night.” His groggy voice would normally have me crawling on top of him, begging him to take me, but, this morning, I can’t stop my mind from rattling off everything I shouldn’t be doing.
I shouldn’t be here.
I shouldn’t have told Annaliese.
I shouldn’t be spending all this time with Hannah.
I shouldn’t… but I can’t get myself to leave.
I keep trying to get the words that Dr. Travers told me last night back to the foreground. I was so set on telling Benton when I left there. Even after seeing him in the office, sure I was scared that he knows something is up, but, by this point in the game, he’s crazy if he doesn’t suspect something.
Lying back in bed silently, he wraps his arms around me and kisses my head.
“I know you’re not ready to say it, and that’s totally okay. I don’t expect you to say it back to me just because I said it, Gabby. But know this…” He pauses and leans up on one elbow, looking me in the eyes. “I love you. I love that you are so good with Hannah, I love that you’re so determined to get past whatever you went through all alone…. But I wish you would talk to me. You need to trust that I can handle whatever it is you have in your past. I’m not going anywhere.”
He leans down and gently kisses me, igniting my need for him. It’s been too long since we’ve had sex that, the minute he deepens his kiss, I feel my body start tingling. Slowly and without words, he undresses me until we are each bare, vulnerable, and connected in only a way that lovers can. It’s not fucking. It’s making love. The way his eyes stay on mine with every thrust, the way his lips take in my pert nipples, sending waves of pleasure straight to my core. He’s treating my body as if it’s a temple. He’s worshipping me, showing me how much he loves me without words.
“You feel so goddamned perfect, Gab,” he whispers, his lips trailing my neck. I moan and arch into him.
“I’m so close, Benton,” I whimper, his hand snaking down and rubbing gently on my clit. “Oh, mmm,” I purr.
“Open your eyes, Gabby. Let go, baby. I’ve got you.” He thrusts harder, deeper, and within seconds I’m exploding around him, feeling the effects of the orgasm all the way to my toes. That has to be the fastest I’ve ever came before, and it definitely was one of the strongest orgasms I’ve had. So much passion and love in his eyes, making me feel things I’m not used to; things my body loves.
“Fuuuck,” he groans, firmly inside me as he lets go of his release. The feeling of being connected without any barrier is so sexy. I can feel every pulse of his orgasm, every small movement, and I fucking love it. Panting, he leans on his elbows and kisses me sweetly, rubbing his nose lightly on mine. Groaning, he moves to lie beside me
The room is silent, except for our breathing, his arm draped across me. I’m surprised that Hannah is still sleeping after that, but I’m thankful that she is. I need to tell him. Everything. And I finally have the courage to. That was the most passionate love making I’ve ever had. He bared his soul to me. It’s time I trust him with mine.
“It all started when I was a kid,” I whisper, his body still but I know he’s listening. “My parents were abusive drunks… the worst parents a girl could have.” I chuckle, because, looking back, I didn’t really think much about it. Now, though, I know how bad they really were. “When I was sixteen, I met a boy. I thought I loved him, and he took my virginity and me. In one night, I lost my innocence to a man that was just about as bad as my parents.” He groans and sets up on his elbow to watch me. I start tracing the lines inked on his arm absentmindedly while I talk, unable to meet his gaze. “I tried breaking it off with him once I realized once how bad he really was, but it was no use. He kept coming back and forcing me back into the relationship. I was weak and unstable, so I went with him. Stupidly.” I take a breath and pause.
“Gab, you don’t have to,” Benton offers, watching my fingers trace the same spot on his arm over and over.
“I want to. I do trust you, Benton,” I whisper, those three words I’ve been feeling for so long stick in my throat. “He got me pregnant. I think it was on purpose, so I would stop running from him because he knew I’d be too scared to run if I had another life to take care of. He was eighteen; I was sixteen. He had finished high school…. I never got to. After everything, I was able to get my GED and head to college to make something of myself, but that was after the fact.”
“You’ve gone through so much, Gab-”
“Stop. I’m not done.” I don’t want him to pity me. Everything that happened that night was because I was too weak to do anything about my situation. “It was late, and we had just been fighting about something dumb. Like always,” I whisper, remembering that fight all too well. The fight when he told me that I had to let my abusive parents watch my son. No way in hell. “When I told him I was leaving him, he laughed at me because I never went through with my threats. I was so weak,” I whisper. “I tried leaving in the middle of the conversation, so I put Noah in the car and pulled away, but Jordan ran after me and was in the car as I started driving away. He was screaming at me, Noah was crying, I was crying.” I stop and sniffle, bracing myself for the next part. When I told Annaliese these details, I was already numb from the panic attack I had just suffered, but right now, lying naked in bed with the man I love, this feels so raw. “The road was dark, and I didn’t see the tractor. What the hell kind of hillbilly city has tractors crossing the road at midnight?” I feel a tear roll down my cheek, and realize I’m full blown crying by this point. Every time I blink, I can see the wreckage scene. I remember the screams, the noise, and the smell. It’s something I’ll never forget.
“Gabby…” he pauses and takes a breath, but I can’t stop now or I won’t get it all out.
“I hit it. I hit the tractor. Huge fucking tractor…” I pause and shake my head, collecting myself. “Because I wasn’t paying attention, because he was screaming at me, and Noah, my son, wouldn’t stop crying, and I was crying and my vision was blurred because of the tears and I hit the goddamned tractor.” I know I’m rambling and crying and probably making no sense, but I never thought I’d be able to talk about it without having an attack. Now that I’m talking, I’m realizing how good it feels to actually let some of the crazy out.
“No,” Benton whispers, shifting up to take my face in his hands and trying to meet my gaze. Closing my eyes, I try to shake him off. I don’t deserve the pity. I fucking killed two people that night.
“Benton, they died,” I cry. “By the time I came to, there were other people helping and trying to get the door open. My door somehow popped open on impact, I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t have it closed all the way since I left in a hurry… but the baby. My Noah,” I cry. “I killed him, Benton.”
“Gabby, that’s not your fault,” he whispers, his hands wiping away my tears as they fall freely down my cheeks.
“It is, though. It’s my fault because I shouldn’t have been driving that fast. I should have not been driving so upset. I couldn’t get back to them once the flames started. Someone pulled me to the side of the fucking road, and wouldn’t let me get to the car. Jordan, my boyfriend, was screaming… he was stuck in the car. I can still hear Noah’s screams every time my mind starts to wander. I’ve been on so many different medications to try and right myself, but nothing works one hundred percent of the time. I always relapse, I always end back up in my dark place, and I always run. That’s what I do. I can’t stay, because, if I stay, then I start to get attached and I’ve only ever ended up hurting the people I get attached to.” Taking a breath, I slowly move my eyes to his. He’s searching my eyes, shaking his head. His thumb is gently tracing my jaw line, then slowly retreats from touching me and he sighs. I can finally breathe. I can finally be around him without any worries that he will hate me. If he hated me, he’d be asking me to leave right now.