“I have to go,” she whispers, and then takes out of my office like a scared cat.

What the fuck?!

Gabby

Just Relax

“Jesus Christ, Gabby! What the fuck were you thinking?” Jordan’s voice screams from behind me.

“I was fucking thinking of keeping my baby away from them!” I scream, rounding on him, preparing myself for a hit that never comes. It’s not typical of him to hit me, but he’s had his moments.

“They are your goddamned parents, Gabrielle,” he growls, stepping close enough for me to feel his breath on my skin.

Beer. It always smells like beer.

“You know, for someone four years older than me, you sure are stupid,” I snap, immediately feeling the sting on my face from his slap. There it is.

“You will let them see him.” His menacing whisper makes my skin prickle.

“Over my dead body,” I whisper, trying to keep the tremble out of my voice.

***

Jolting up in bed, covered in sweat, it takes me a moment to reacquaint myself with my surroundings.

I’m safe. I’m in my bedroom.

I’m alone.

The pills I took today when I finally made it home kicked me on my ass almost immediately. I’ve been out since then, and glancing at the clock… that was about seven hours ago. Shit. Groaning, I stand and try to clear my head from the day’s events.

I was fired today. Not even fired, but ‘let go’. Assholes were clever in their wordage, so I can’t collect anything from them, which makes it hurt even more. They were more than happy to let me have the leave last week, because, according to Lance, they’d already replaced me. Leaving my email accounts open was a mistake, leading me to believe I still would have a job walking in today, but I should have known better. I pretty much told my boss to go fuck herself last time I saw her. I’m honestly surprised she didn’t fire me right then.

My situation couldn’t be any worse right now. I lost my job… my one source of income. I have maybe a half of a month’s worth of money saved up for rent and other bills. My boyfriend just told me he loves me… which, to any other girl, would be fantastic, but to me that just means more heartbreak on the way for all of us. My best friend won’t stop bugging me about talking to my boyfriend and telling him the truth, so I now regret my decision to ever tell her about what happened to me.

This is why I try not to get attached to people! Sure, at the moment, I’m really the only one suffering, but I can’t let it get worse or I may not come back from it. I need to stay away from Benton. I need to stay inside my apartment and job hunt.

I need to get back to what I’m used to, and who I’m used to being.

Several times throughout the night of job hunting, I pick up my phone and attempt to call over Ellie, but I never do. I don’t cheat, and, without talking to Benton and officially breaking things off, I can’t just go back to my old fuck partner.

I promised Dr. Travers I’d lay low until Thursday, so that’s what I’ll do. I’ll job hunt from inside the apartment, and not leave unless it’s an emergency. The anxiety isn’t terrible between these walls. I know I’m safe here, and, if I have no contact with anyone, I can’t hurt anyone. I can stay on my low pill regimen, and not have attacks every time I see a child on the sidewalk walking without holding his mother’s hand, or every time I notice that someone’s not buckled into their car correctly. All the small things that normally go unnoticed by regular people eat at me from the inside, but, from inside my apartment, I can’t see them so they don’t exist.

The phone call from my mother a few weeks ago at work has me on edge, but I’d never tell anyone that. That’s something I won’t even tell Dr. T. I’m sure he’d have me in protective custody, and police all over me, if he found out I think she’s trying to find me. I still remember her words to me last time I saw her.

***

“You’re the reason they are dead. I hope you never forget that,” she growls from the side of me as she walks out of my child’s funeral. “If I ever see you around here again, I’ll make sure to end your sad fucking life myself.”

***

No. I’ll never tell anyone. If I stay inside, she won’t be able to find me. I’m certain of that.

By the time the sun is coming up, I’m exhausted. I’ve sent out about twenty resumes to places through online sites, not really hoping for any of them to contact me, but at least I’m looking. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life anymore. Working for a big wig lawyer as a peon attorney wasn’t doing it for me. I know I’ll be paying off student loans for it for forever and a day, but I need something to numb the pain and make me work, not something that will send me into panic attacks every time I start a new case.

Honestly, nothing feels right anymore. It’s been almost twenty-four hours since Benton said those words to me, and all I can think about is how much I hurt him when I ran and didn’t look back. I know he expected me to say them back, and I do feel that way, but I can’t say it. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life, I know I love him with my whole heart and then some, but I can’t be with him like that. I’ve already proven how much I can hurt someone just by my actions yesterday. Staying with him would just cause the pain to be worse. Life crippling.

By the time Thursday is here, I’ve showered once and changed right back into my pajamas. I’ve not taken my pills yet and I missed last night’s dose, too. I’m starting not to care if I become the crazy cat lady anymore. This life of being alone is a lot easier than worrying if I’m going to ruin someone else’s life. Even if the pain from losing him hurts more than I care to admit.

“Hey,” Annaliese says, walking into my apartment. I heard her buzz in. I heard her key in the handle and the soft click of the door as she closed it behind her. I heard it all, but I didn’t move from my spot. Now, she’s standing here, hands crossed in front of her with a worried expression on her face.

I hate that I told her the truth. This is what happens when people know the truth. They get sad around you. I don’t need her to be sad, I need her to be my upbeat backbone that she’s always been.

“Hi,” I mutter, my eyes glued to the spot on the TV that’s gone blank. One fucking spot in the entire fifty two inch plasma screen, but I can’t stop staring at it. It’s amazing how one small spot giving out affects the way the entire picture changes.

“So, you’ve not been out of the house for a while?” She eyes the takeout boxes stacked on the counter and chuckles. I shake my head, taking a sip of my water and setting it back down. Without words, she starts cleaning up my mess from these last few days. Boxes in the trash, floors swept. Swiffer ran across the tabletops and shelves.

“You’re too good to me, bitch,” I manage, looking around at her speedy progress. At least, I think it was speedy. Honestly, I don’t remember what time she got here, or how long she’s been cleaning silently. She smiles at me, and plops on the couch.

Yoga pants, an old t-shirt, hair pulled in a bun… She’s a hot mess, but it makes me smile because lately all I’ve seen her in has been the designer clothes, makeup and heels that she works in. It’s nice seeing my best friend hasn’t lost herself to Mr. Chicago.

“So, you want to tell me what’s going on?” She crosses her legs under her, and starts playing with a corner of one of my pillows. Her gaze on the pillow hurts my heart, because I know it’s only to not show me how much she’s hurting from the sudden withdrawal of her best friend.

I’ve never gotten this low around her. I’ve never had a spot in my life since I’ve known Annaliese that I just kind of said ‘fuck it’ and given up on life. She’s never seen me like this, but, since she knows the truth now, I really don’t have to hide anything from her anymore. It’s nice in a way that I don’t have to be the Gabby that everyone thinks they know in front of her, but it still hurts when she directs that sad gaze at me.