I wonder if Matt really cares about selling their stash or if he’s just trying to get me alone. I hope it’s about sales, because I don’t think I will be able to hold back my feelings in my current mental state.

“I know, dude.” I can tell from the pitch in Nick’s voice that he is really high right now. “Dani, I’ll be inside. I’m not leaving you,” he insists. He kisses me on the lips and whispers I love you in my ear.

“I love you,” I whisper back. At least I think I did. I can’t tell if I’m speaking aloud.

“Dani, how many did you take today?” Matt’s tone is harsh, scared.

Matt cares about me in his own way. I knew it. He always looks out for me. He keeps me happy. Makes sure I have pills. He’s my best friend.

“Dani,” the shrill of Matt’s voice brings me back to earth. “How many pills did you take?” He’s practically on top of me, trying to coax a response.

How many? How many what? Oh yeah. I hold up my hand and count out one, two, three, four fingers and show them to Matt.

Matt stares at my fingers. Once he finishes counting, his eyes pop out of his head. “Fuck! Fuck!” Now he’s pacing around my chair. “Dani, what the fuck!”

Oh no, wrong answer. He’s mad at me. “Sorry, Matty.” My mouth is so dry it’s hard to form words. I take a mouthful of water from the bottle in my hand, swishing it around before I swallow. I feel the chilly water slide through my chest before it hits my empty stomach.

“I’m fucked if Nick finds out I’ve been giving you pills!” Matt reappears in my line of sight. “Do you hear me? Are you even listening to what I’m saying?”

I shake my head. “Sorry, Matt.”

“That’s it, I’m cutting you off. You only take what Nick gives you. No more on the side.”

He’s talking crazy. I don’t know why he’s so mad. I wish I knew what to say to make him feel better.

“This is my fault. I shouldn’t have…I was being selfish. I’m sorry.”

“Why?” I smile. “I’m not sorry. I’m happy.” I attempt to sit up, but my hand slides through the plastic lines of the lawn chair and I fall over.

“You are so wasted.” Matt laughs and helps me up. “You’re lucky you’re with us, otherwise half the guys here would be trying to take advantage of you.”

“You’re the only one here in a position to take advantage of me.” A warm tingly feeling flows through me at the thought.

“I know,” he says quietly. He squeezes my hand tighter.

“Thank you for restraining yourself.”

“Believe me, it’s hard.” He smiles mischievously.

“Is it really that difficult?”

“No, I mean it’s really hard.”

I laugh at his crude joke and feel him relax beside me. He’s fucked up, too.

The last time we were this high together was the night nothing happened. Not because I didn’t want it to. Matt made sure I didn’t do anything I would regret. “Well, I’m never worried, you know why?” I point my finger at Matt. “Because I know you watch out for me.” My breathing becomes erratic when the tip of my finger comes in contact with his chest. “You always look out for me, because you love me.” I said that out loud. I can tell by the way Matt is looking at me.

I thought I knew all of Matt’s faces, but this one is brand new. “Yes, you crazy girl.” Matt strokes my face then checks the back door. “I love you.”

His words vibrate in my ear. I feel everything he is saying. I close my eyes and let my senses take over as Matt’s emotions emanate from his body into mine. I feel his hand on my cheek and his breath on my face. When I open my eyes, his mouth is inches from mine.

“I love you too,” I breathe into the space between us. He smiles and holds me another few seconds before breaking away. I feel like he’s just dropped me from a cliff. I reach for his hand, and he slowly pulls it away.

He sits on the edge of the lawn chair with his back to me and runs his hand over his face. He moans in desperation or frustration, maybe a little of both.

A few minutes pass and I start to realize what I’ve just said to Matt. What he just admitted to me. I want to say something, change the subject, but the reggae song we danced to in his room echoes into the yard. All gloves are off. Thizz takes over.

“Remember that night?” I slide my hand down Matt’s bare arm.

He nods, but refuses to look at me. He’s still trying to be strong.

“You know I wouldn’t have said no.” My heart beats at a fast, steady rhythm.

Matt’s head snaps in my direction. His eyes are full of emotion. “I wanted to kiss you.” He stares into my eyes, daring me to look away.

I accept his dare and look directly into his blue eyes. “Do you want to kiss me now?”

“I’ve wanted to kiss you every day since the day I met you.”

I’m not sure if my heart is racing at the thought of his lips on mine or for the utter betrayal I feel for wanting him to do it. The moment is getting way too intense. I bite my lip and look away, unsure of what I want to happen next. What I want and what is right are not the same thing. I can’t let Matt betray his best friend. Especially on his birthday. I’m a shitty girlfriend, we’ve established that. Matt is a good friend, the best. I can’t drag him down to my level. I need to stop this now.

“You’re a good dancer,” I blurt out.

Matt laughs at my lame compliment and pulls back. “You’re a horrible dancer.”

“What!” I pretend to be offended. “Help me up!”

Matt watches me struggle to stand then offers his hand and yanks me to my feet. I’m not ready for the sudden burst of movement, and I fly into his chest, knocking him back a few steps. His arms wrap around me for support. Suddenly the backdoor opens and sounds from the party fly out into the sanctuary Matt and I have created. Matt tosses me back onto the chair. I put my hand out to stop my fall, but it slips through the plastic and my head hits the chair’s metal base.

“Oh shit, sorry Dani.” Matt helps me up. “Are you ok?”

Instead of offering my stock answer of yes, I shrug my shoulders and tilt my hand back and forth. Matt isn’t ready for the honesty. “Are you hurt, or is it—” He stops himself from continuing.

My mouth is suddenly filled with the salty taste of tears. There is something about Matt that allows me to be honest about my feelings. It’s something I can’t do with Nick. I feel emotionally safe with Matt. With Nick, I feel safe because I won’t have to show emotion. I feel him pull back slightly when the back door opens then relax again when it closes.

“Nick’s going to come out here and wonder why you’re crying.”

“I’ll tell him you hit me.”

“Yeah right. Seriously, we should get out of here. We can sneak out the side gate and go for a walk.”

I can’t tell if Matt is serious or not. I know he would gladly take me anywhere I asked, but we both know leaving isn’t an option. At least leaving the backyard is out of the question, but eventually we’ll both leave Eureka.

“I want to go to Berkeley.”

“Can we limit it within walking distance?”

“NO! I mean I want to go to UC Berkeley in the fall.” I declare it officially for him and for me as I wipe tears from my cheeks.

“I know. And I’ll be at Stanford. We’ll be rivals,” Matt says with false enthusiasm.

I settle back into my chair and a sense of relief washes over me. This is the first time I’ve admitted I want to leave Eureka, leave this all behind. A Mac Dre song comes on, and the house erupts in cheers. “Where do you think Nick will be next year?”

Matt exhales loudly and moves to the chair next to me. “I have no idea.”

“Let’s go find Nick.” I stand and offer Dani my hand. If I stay out here any longer, I’m not sure I can stop myself from doing or saying something I can’t take back. I’ve already said too much.