“I was just making conversation.” I turn from the counter and ferociously wipe down the train. Mary never bothers to clean the dried milk from the steamer or wipe coffee grounds from the counter. I don’t care where those bitches are going anyway. I’m sure wherever it is, it’s going to be lame.

“It’s a girl that goes to our school,” Mary says ruefully as she places three empty mugs in the sink. She hands me a fresh towel and offers an apologetic smile. “She comes in sometimes. Her name is Alisa.”

My head whips around at the sound of her name. “Alisa Martinez,” I hiss. Alisa has been in the café? I guess I never really pay attention to the people plucking coffee cups from the counter.

“You know her?” one of the girls in the group asks, as if my knowing Alisa was the most ridiculous thing she’s ever heard.

“Actually I do,” I sneer back. I saw her boobs today!

“Yeah right,” the snotty girl rolls her eyes and whispers something to the group that makes them giggle.

My out-of-whack brain starts to process the situation. Mary is going to a party at Alisa’s. I wonder if Matt’s going to be there. I want to call and ask him. I might have yesterday, but now it seems wrong. It’s none of my business what he does with Alisa or any girl.

After Mary leaves, I sit on the counter and watch headlights come and go.

I wonder if we would be going to the party if Nick didn’t have to meet his uncle.

I wonder where I would be if my parents were still alive.

I wonder how the side of the espresso machine got so dirty.

I grab a bottle of comet and a sponge from under the sink and start to scrub. I clean every cup, plate, and crevice in the café.

“Dani, you did this all last night?” Patty runs her finger along the edge of the counter.

“I was bored.” I hope I didn’t overdo it.

“Well, thank you. And thank you for covering for Mary. She really appreciated it.” She puts her arm around me and squeezes my shoulders. The fact that Patty is thanking me for covering for Mary tells me she went home last night, so chances are she didn’t get high.

Patty is gushing over the cleanliness of the floor when Matt walks in. I try to smile, but my teeth grind together. Shit. After I left the café last night, I went home and took another pill. If Matt suspects I got high alone, or that I’m still a little bit buzzed, I don’t know if he will rat me out. During Nick’s meeting yesterday, he went on and on about not getting high on their supply. I know he wouldn’t be cool with me taking pills alone and running all over town at night.

“What are you doing here?” I pretend to be preoccupied with wiping down the counter and avoid eye contact. I take a sip from my ice coffee and realize the overdose of caffeine I’ve consumed this afternoon has enhanced the residual thizz coursing through my veins.

A couple of middle school girls swoon when Matt walks up to the counter. They bat their eyelashes at him as they take their drinks from the bar. He doesn’t even throw a look their way. His crystal-clear blue eyes are on me as he yanks the rag from my hand. I slip my tongue between my teeth to stop my jaw from grinding and pick up my ice coffee. I hate not being in control of my emotions right now. I hate that the smell of Matt’s body spray turns me on in some sick and twisted way.

He leans over the counter and whispers, “I don’t want there to be weirdness between us.”

I take a sip of my coffee and try not to chew the straw. “Why would there be weirdness?”

“Please don’t make me say it.” He smiles and I bite the straw even harder.

I wonder if he’s referring to the fact that I saw two naked, closely related girls in his bed. Or it could be the fact that I acted like a total slut the last time we were alone together. Or maybe because he’s been lying to me pretty much every single day that we’ve known each other. He’s worried about weirdness? We are way past weird.

“No, no weirdness at all.” I snatch the rag from him and hide it behind my back. I recall Alisa’s naked body under the covers where I’d slept a few days before and my face turns hot. “What are you doing here, getting coffee for another family threesome?” I wish my tone was a little less harsh, but I don’t really have control at the moment.

“Geez, Dani, lighten up. You really have no right to be mad.” I try to turn away, but Matt grabs my arm. “You should be happy for me.” His eyes search my face for some sign of his friend.

I know I’m being unreasonable, but what I’m feeling isn’t even close to happy. “Why would I be happy for you?” I yank free.

One of the regular gossipers places her empty mug on the counter between us with a curious smile. Nosy old crow. I reach for the mug, but Matt gets to it first. He picks it up and walks around the counter. What is he doing? I follow him to the sink.

He spins around when he’s out of earshot from the rest of the café. “For the same reason I’m happy for you and Nick.” He’s whispering, but I hear the desperation in his tone. He hands me the empty mug. “Because I’m your friend and I want you to be happy.”

Blood races through my veins and my body tingles all over as I focus on Matt’s eyes. I fight the urge to say what I really want to say, what I really feel. That it’s easier to tell yourself you’re happy, because it hurts less than being jealous. Is that what Matt is trying to tell me? I feel my jaw tighten and release. Matt sees it, too. He searches my face and raises a curious eyebrow.

“I’m happy for you,” I tell him. I walk into the storeroom.

He follows me in and closes the door. “I never wanted to hurt you, Dani.”

I can’t look at him. I don’t want to touch him. I definitely shouldn’t be alone with him.

“Come here.” He spins me around and holds his arms open. I’m weak, I can’t fight it. I lean into him and he wraps his arms around me. He feels so good. “If it makes you feel any better, I’d rather be sleeping next to you.”

My entire body erupts in joy. I want to blame this on thizz, but I won’t. I can’t. Thizz has nothing to do with the pleasure I feel in Matt’s arms. I wasn’t on thizz during our computer class four months ago when I first saw him and my heart suddenly started to pump back to life. I wasn’t on thizz when I got his message and fantasized for an hour that he was in love with me. My feels for Matt were never thizz induced.

He shifts his weight and lets me go. “At least you don’t snore.” He laughs. He’s acting like what he said was a joke, but it doesn’t feel like one. Or maybe it is and I’m wishing for things that aren’t real again.

Matt doesn’t want me. He wants Alisa and her cousin, and he’s had them. Multiple times probably. Matt is nothing more than a good friend, he said it himself. He’s happy for me because he’s my friend. Just a friend. That’s good enough for me. It has to be.

I step away and whip Matt with the towel in my hand. “Get out of my way. I have to get back to work.” And just like that, the mask is back on.

Matt stays with me all afternoon, helping me remember orders and laughing at me when I spill things. When Nick calls to tell me he’s running late, I tell him Matt is here, that he can walk me home. Nick is so protective, yet he has no problem leaving me alone with Matt. If that isn’t reason enough to believe Matt doesn’t have feelings for me, I don’t know what is.

My feet tingle as we walk down the street, and I can’t wipe the smile from my face. I guess I wasn’t as sober as I thought. “Do you believe in destiny?” I ask as we cross West Harris.

“Sure.” Matt pulls my arm and holds me back as a car makes a right turn in front of us. He doesn’t comment on the fact that I was almost taken out by a Honda.