I pull a bow out of my backpack and place it on top of my head. The bow was also Heather’s idea. “Happy Birthday.”

Nick laughs at the silly gesture, then realizes what I’m offering him. He pulls me into his arms and kisses me. “Are you sure?”

I pull him towards the king-size bed in the middle of the room. “Positive.” This is the next step in our relationship. I’m ready.

“Right now?” He hesitates.

If I stop now I might chicken out. “Yes, now.” I kiss the spot on his neck below his ear that always makes him moan. Nick grabs my waist and lifts me into his arms. He’s about to lay me on the bed when his phone rings. “Are you serious?” I yell to the ceiling.

Nick gives me one of his apologetic smiles and pulls his phone out. The party tonight is going to be huge; he has to answer it. “S’up, Matt?”

Of all people, it’s Matt.

“I’m upstairs.” Nick winks. I can tell from his responses that Matt is asking if I’m with him. He’s trying to be coy, but I know he’s dying to tell Matt that we’re about to have sex for the first time.

I didn’t think anyone was going to be here for another few hours. I thought we’d have the house to ourselves so I could give Nick his gift. So I could prove how much I love him. That’s a horrible thing to say. Of course I love him. I wouldn’t be with him if I didn’t. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. I take the bow off my head and walk towards the door.

He takes his phone from his ear and holds it against his body. “Dani, wait…”

“You can unwrap your gift later.” I give him the flirty, sexy smile I practiced in the mirror yesterday when I was high.

He exhales slowly and says, “I can’t wait.”

I close the door and stand in the empty hall. I can’t do this. Not like this. Not sober. At least I tried.

I’m pretty sure I just cock-blocked my best friend on this birthday. How was I supposed to know they would be here hours before the party? Ok, so maybe I did know that they might be here and told Arnie we had to pick up the keg an hour earlier than scheduled. I’m an asshole. A cock-blocking asshole.

Arnie comes crashing through the back door. “Give me a hand.” He’s dragging a keg behind him. I help Arnie pull the keg into the kitchen and set it up in the corner. He asks me where Nick is, aånd I tell him he’s upstairs with Dani.

“Oh yeah! It’s about time she gives it up.” Arnie says as he puts two bottles of vodka in the freezer. When he closes the door, Dani is standing behind it. He jumps when he sees her. “Fuck, D. You scared the shit out of me.”

She pushes past him and grabs a bottle of water from the counter. “Well, you shouldn’t be talking shit.” She cracks open the bottle and takes a drink.

I watch her watching Arnie. His back is to her, so he doesn’t see the pill she pops in her mouth. I can’t believe she’s doing that with him in the room. She’s crazy.

“Hey Arn, you check out the bedrooms yet?” If there is one thing to get him out of here, it’s the idea of getting laid.

Arnie raises an eyebrow at me. “Good lookin’ out, bro.” He points at Dani and says, “We’re all getting laid tonight!” I give him a thumbs-up. Yeah, sure.

After he leaves, I turn to Dani. “What the fuck was that?”

She shrugs and sits on the counter. “It’s a party, right?”

“Nick isn’t stupid, Dani. He can tell when you’re high.”

“No, he can’t.” She smiles and takes another drink from the water bottle. “Neither can you.”

She’s out of control. Maybe I should pull back on the pills I’ve been giving her. I thought she could handle it. I gave her six on Tuesday and she was already out yesterday morning. She texted me and asked if I had any more gifts I could spare. I slipped another four in her pocket when Nick and I picked her up from work yesterday. I don’t know what I was smoking when I thought giving Dani pills was a good idea. It’s just that she looks so happy. She’s high, yes. But it isn’t like when we get high. We’re bouncing out of our skin. Dani looks content, like she can finally unravel the cord around her neck and breathe. Maybe I’m wrong for giving her pills, but I’ll do whatever little I can to be the one that makes her smile.

“Come here.” She reaches for my hand and places a pill in my palm. Then she hands me her bottle of water.

“Let’s be crazy together.” She pulls her bottom lip with her teeth and smiles. My smile.

I’m wrong. She isn’t out of control. She’s insane.

And I don’t give a fuck.

We’re standing on the beach behind the house toasting Nick’s birthday. It’s me, Matt, Alex, Arnie, and Aurora. It’s almost eight and I’ve already taken two pills. I’m nervous about tonight. About having sex with Nick. I’ve already made up my mind that tonight is the night. I want to get this over with. I want to give Nick the most precious gift a girl can give a guy. I owe him. He gave me thizz; it’s the least I can do.

Alex is passing around a joint. When it gets to me I take a hit then pass it back. It burns far worse than I ever thought it would. Nobody seems to notice me choking to death as Nick gives his no freebies and no fights speech. I stop listening because my throat is on fire, but the rush feels amazing. I start to dance to the music already pouring out of the house. The DJ must have finished setting up. I can’t wait to go inside and dance. That’s how fucked up I am.

When Alex offers me the joint again, Nick intercepts. “Nah dude, she doesn’t smoke.”

I’m a little peeved that Nick cut me off. He’s not the boss of me. Before I can mount an argument, Matt appears before me with a gift—two hits of thizz. I take the pills and smile. A big goofy smile.

Arnie yells, “Two to the face!” and shoves a bottle of tequila in my hand.

I wash the pills down with a swig from the bottle since my throat is still burning from the weed. I don’t even gag, that’s how high I am.

We head in the house and disperse among the crowd. I dance and laugh and drink until I’m dizzy, but not really spinning. Just seeing things in fast motion. Too fast. I need to lie down or drink a bottle of water or maybe take another hit off that joint. I stumble into the hall, feeling like I just ran a marathon. A door opens and I fall inside. I slide to the ground and curl up on the rug. I lie there for an hour, a minute, I don’t know. Time doesn’t exist on the floor.

The next thing I know, I’m being helped outside. “I don’t wanna leave,” I slur as Nick and Matt talk over me.

“Dude, she is fucked up. How many did she take?” Nick sounds like he’s freaking out.

They set me on a chair. I remember this secluded area from my tour with Nick earlier. We’re in the side yard with the fire pit and chairs set up to watch the sunset. There are large plastic shields blocking out the wind.

“Two, I only gave her two.” Matt’s voice drips in guilt.

“Shit, you don’t think she took anything else, do you?”

“Like what? Plus, who would give it to her?” Matt is such a bad liar.

“What should we do?” I look up and see Nick pacing and running his hand over his head. The constant movement starts to make me sick, so I close my eyes.

“I’ll stay with her, you go back inside.” Matt suggests.

“No, I won’t leave her again.” Nick kneels down next to me and strokes my face. His cool hand feels nice against my skin, almost as nice as the tingly feelings rushing through my body. I reach for his hand and guide it lower. He pulls away quickly and smiles at my naughty behavior.

I’m feeling brave. I want to go back upstairs right now.

“Dude, we have to sell the rest of this shit tonight,” Matt interrupts. “This is our payday. You want to leave it all up to Arnie?”