The rhythmic sound of running water is soothing. I run my hand over my arms and feel the tiny bumps that cover every inch of my skin. My body is so screwed up that I’m getting goose bumps even though the water is scalding me. Everything is still a blur. I’m just starting to catch glimpses as I replay the day over in my head.

Sleep and thizz don’t really mix. My eyes close, my body relaxes, but my brain keeps working. I can never tell if the images, the conversations, or the feelings are real. Or cruel hallucinations. Even after I wake up, nothing feels real. Thizz has ruined my reality, everything is questionable. Did I dance with Matt? Was I fantasizing about him kissing me, or did it really happen? I opened my eyes today and found Nick staring down at me. The warmth and glow of his hazel eyes had vanished. He glared at me cuddled next to Matt with a blank, unflinching expression. I unraveled myself from the blanket and sat up. I asked him what time it was. He didn’t answer. He asked Matt where his cell phone was. His jaw was tight, the words controlled like he was trying not to explode. Matt found the phone buried under his pillow. Nick snatched it from his hand. “The ringer is off,” he snapped. Matt didn’t say a word. He just stared at the ground like a remorseful child. “Next time I call,” he paused and looked at me. I pretended to be preoccupied with my shoe laces. “Next time I call, you better fucking answer.” He shoved the phone in Matt’s chest and walked out the door.

We didn’t speak on the ride home. He stopped in front of Lucy’s and asked me to be ready in an hour. He said we needed to talk. Nick and I don’t talk. We chat, we kiss, we thizz. Talking implies something serious, and we don’t do serious. We keep it light and fun. The only thing we’re serious about is getting high.

I turn off the shower and reach for a towel, thinking about what I would do if Nick broke up with me. It is possible. He did find me sleeping with Matt. We were literally sleeping, but it still might be considered wrong, and that’s only because it felt so right. I’m not in the habit of making excuses for my actions. I’ve never had to until now. I never did anything worth hiding. All I’ve done since I moved to Eureka is hide. It’s why I came here in the first place. I’m sick of it. The only time I feel normal is when I’m not. Thizz makes it easier to pretend my life isn’t totally fucked up. I have to pretend a lot less when I’m with Matt. He knows more about me than anyone because I’ve given him a glimpse of my old life. Nobody knows both sides of me. Being with Matt would make my life a lot easier. So would the box of pills he has hidden in his closet. No longer being Nick Marino’s girl wouldn’t be so bad if Matt and I could at least be friends. There is only one thing I need to get through the next eight weeks—thizz. I don’t see my future without it. Not being with Nick means no longer worrying about my clothes or hair or plucking my eyebrows.

I open the bathroom door and a cloud of steam escapes into the hall. I walk up the creaky stairs to my room, hugging a towel to my damp body. I really need another few hours of sleep to function, but I don’t have time. Nick will be here soon. The only thing that went right today was Lucy not being home when I got here. She left a note on the kitchen counter saying she was at Johnson’s. Beside the note was a cell phone. My new cell phone. Now she can get a hold of me whenever she wants.

My skin erupts in goosebumps as I tear through a pile of clothes on the bed. I’m freezing, but I don’t know if it’s the air or the thizz still disrupting my body temperature. I finally settle on black low-rise jeans and a shirt Lucy bought me during her last shopping spree. It’s a black t-shirt with a big glittery D on the chest that makes me look like a craft store super hero.

I pick up my dirty jeans and take out the pills I stole from Matt. I put the pills in my memory box and finish getting dressed, leaving one on the desk.

Nick’s car rumbles to a stop outside. I have to get this over with. I grab my Vans, pulling them on without socks. I lift Nick’s hoodie from my desk chair and bury my face in it. I’ve had it a week, but it still smells like him. More like car exhaust than jasmine at this point, but still one hundred percent Nick. I do have feelings for Nick, they just aren’t the feelings I want them to be. Nick is a nice guy, he deserves better than me. I lay the hoodie on my bed and leave. I’ll keep it as a souvenir.

When I reach the front door, I take a long deep breath before opening it. I’ve survived worse things than being dumped by a boy.

Nick reaches over from the driver’s side and unlocks the door as I approach. I open it and get in. Before I have the door closed, he speaks.

“Look Dani, I’m sorry for being a jerk. I never should have acted the way I did this morning. I guess I was just jealous. You know, seeing you sleeping next to Matt. I want to be the only guy you sleep with.” He leans his head towards me and offers a sexy smile. “I shouldn’t have left you.” His eyes are cast down, staring at his hand resting on top of mine.

He’s sorry? He’s apologizing to me? Nick has to be one of the most trusting, forgiving people I’ve ever met. I wasn’t prepared for this. I was so ready for a break-up that I’m disappointed by the apology. He still wants me as his girl. I suddenly regret not doing my hair and taking that pill. If he isn’t going to dump me, then we’ll probably hang out all afternoon. If he can tell I’m high, he’ll ask who gave me the pill, and I don’t want to get Matt into trouble.

Nick squeezes my hand and my thoughts come back to him. He’s apologizing to me, hoping I’m not mad at him, and I’m thinking about protecting Matt. It looks like my life is about to get a whole lot more complicated. Nick turns my chin and forces me to face him. I’m scared he’ll see the betrayal in my eyes for allowing him to feel bad for leaving me. I’ll take Matt’s company over some stupid frat party any day.

I don’t know what to say. Am I supposed to pretend I’m mad? That I care? I really hope this pill kicks in soon so I don’t have to care.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers as he brushes his lips against mine. He thinks it’s his fault I was cuddled in bed with his best friend. I’m the worst girlfriend in the history of girlfriends. I should tell him he’s wrong. I should tell him how I feel about Matt, but I don’t. I can’t hurt him like that. The truth is cruel, and it will destroy him. I don’t want to be responsible for his happiness, for anyone’s happiness. The power is too great for someone to have over another person. I thought Nick held the key to my happiness, but I was wrong. It isn’t Nick or Matt, or even me. It’s thizz. Now that I have my own stash, I’m in control.

I force a smile and kiss Nick on the cheek. The light in his eyes comes flooding back. The nerves in my fingers, the ones gripping Nick’s hand, start to vibrate. The feelings of dread and regret start to fade as my third pill in twenty-four hours starts to kick in.

Nick is a good guy. I should really appreciate his feelings for me. He pulled me from the ashes of my destroyed life and gave me a reason to wake up in the morning. A reason to shower and put on clean socks. I owe it to him to be the girl he thinks I am. I will be the girlfriend he deserves. “I love you,” I tell him, wishing to God it didn’t feel like a lie. I have feelings for Nick, I just don’t know how real they are since every single word I’ve ever uttered to him, every feeling I’ve ever had for him, has been on thizz. Me and Nick don’t exist without thizz.

He looks at me like I’m the most precious thing in the world. “I know you do.” He’s so certain my words are real. Maybe he sees something I don’t. If Nick feels loved by me, maybe that’s enough.