Nick suggests we head back to the group since he knows he’s not getting laid. He wraps his arm around my shoulders, and I feel a vibration in his pocket. His phone is always ringing, and he always answers it. Nick is more involved in his family’s business than I thought. It makes me wonder, if we had gone to his car, would he still have answered it? The sad thing is, I know he would have. He always does.

We leave the beach a little before eight in the morning. Watching the sky turn from dark to light is a strange feeling when you haven’t slept. It’s like the world is working in reverse. It’s disorienting. Or it could just be the thizz. Nick, Matt, Arnie, and I go back to Matt’s house. K and Heather stay at the beach. K only lives a few blocks away, and he promised Arnie he would make sure she got home safe. Heather said her parents aren’t expecting her home until after noon. She can’t show up at dawn and have them actually believe she was sleeping at her friend’s house. I’m the opposite. Lucy gets home from her shift around eleven thirty. I have to be home before then so she doesn’t suspect I’ve been out all night. Only I don’t want to go home yet. I hate being alone when I’m high.

I fall in and out of sleep during the drive, so I miss the conversation between Nick and Arnie that ended up with me staying at Matt’s house while Nick drove Arnie home. I stumble into the house and plop on Matt’s sofa. It feels good after lying in the sand all night. Matt brings me a glass of orange juice then disappears down the hall. It’s too tangy for my current taste buds. I can’t really stomach anything but water when I’m coming down. I place the glass on the coffee table and pick up the remote from the arm of Matt’s sofa. Nick said he’d be right back. That was seventeen minutes ago. I need to stay awake if I want to beat Lucy home. She gets off at eleven and usually stays up a few hours before heading to sleep. I like to beat her home and pretend my day is just starting as she heads to bed. If I don’t make it home, I’ll have to swing by the café in case Lucy checks up on me. This way, Patty can say I was there in the morning and Lucy will think I was just out getting coffee. I have it all planned just in case things don’t fall into place. I’ve been lucky so far. Lucy doesn’t suspect a thing.

Just as my eyes start to shut, Matt walks into the room. “Come on, sleepyhead.” He holds out his hand and I take it. He yanks me to my feet and tells me to go lie down in his room. I’m too tired to protest or worry about how that may look. I trust Matt. More importantly, Nick trusts him.

I stumble into Matt’s room. My only choices are his desk chair or the bed. The chair is probably the safer, less comfortable option, but I don’t care about safe right now. I sit on the bed and kick my shoes off. Matt walks into the room carrying an armful of water bottles and a bag of chips. He closes the door behind him and places the snacks on the desk. The only light in the room creeps between the slits of the window blinds. I watch it slowly climb the wall as the sun rises outside. I hope Nick comes back soon. Eureka is small, Arnie can’t live that far away. Matt is settling in like I may be here for a while. He isn’t acting like Nick will be back any minute.

“You want some?” Matt holds up a bag of chips without looking at me. Why won’t he look at me? I don’t want snacks. I need to stay awake and wait for Nick.

“No thanks.” I know what I want. The question is, am I brave enough to ask for it? What if he doesn’t have any, or worse, what if he says no? Quit being stupid. This is Matt. I can ask him anything. “Do you have any more pills?”

Matt stops shuffling CDs. His back stiffens then relaxes just as quickly. “Uh, I don’t know…” He turns around with an answer on his lips, but nothing comes out. He just stares at me as I unzip Nick’s hoodie. I slide it off one sleeve at a time, passing my orange juice glass from one hand to the other as I go. I watch Matt’s eyes commit my body to memory before stopping at my mouth. He knows how my lips feel. I know what Matt tastes like—this is information neither of us should know. We’re friends. Friends don’t kiss. I can’t believe Nick even allowed it. The more sober I become, the more awkward this feels. Thizz is the only thing to cure that. When I’m high, feelings like embarrassment and regret don’t exist. Thizz makes the world an uncomplicated place.

Matt walks to the closet, pulls out a shoe box, and places it on the bed. He takes off the lid, slides opens a zip lock bag. He must feel the tension too, because he doesn’t even hesitate as he hands me the pill.

“Thanks.” I swallow it with a sip from my orange juice, and Matt goes back to his CD search. He finally chooses one and moves to his boom box to put it in. I take a peek inside the shoebox. My heart stops. Where did he get all those pills? I look at Matt. His back is to me. I reach in, swipe a handful, and shove them in my pocket. Adrenaline pumps through my veins. This is the first time I’ve ever stolen anything. I feel bad stealing from Matt, but then again, I don’t. He has so many, at least a hundred. Is Matt the dealer Nick was protecting? How well do I even know him, or Nick for that matter? They know nothing about me. Who I really am. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

A woman’s soft, sultry voice suddenly fills the room. This song isn’t something a drug dealer would play. If there is a drug dealer playlist, I guarantee this song isn’t on it. This song is bluesy with a jazz feel. I’m actually surprised Matt would even have a CD like this. He’s always quick to put on rap or hip hop in the car. This is a nice surprise. Matt adjusts the volume then sits next to me on the bed. I watch him crack every knuckle on his right hand. The same hands I watched typing in class. Those fingers typed a message once. The message that led me to Nick. That led me to this moment. Matt set me up with Nick. Boys don’t play matchmaker with girls they like. Matt doesn’t like me, not like that. But my fingers itch to touch him anyway. It’s the drugs. It’s not real. Some people crave touch when they’re high. I never understood why until this moment. If there was a bottle of lotion in this room, I’d have it slathered all over my hands right now. I lie back and lock my hands behind my head. Music surrounds me, and a familiar tingle pricks at my skin. I have a million thoughts running through my head, but I can’t think of a single word to say to Matt. My eyes wander around the room, looking for some safe topic of conversation. They land on the poster above the bed. “Are you serious?” I snort, gesturing to the bikini-clad model holding a fire hose between her legs.

“What?” he says with a little laugh. “It’s a dude thing.”

I turn towards Matt and find his blue eyes staring back at me. My heart feels like it’s trying to claw its way out of my chest. This would be so much easier if Matt didn’t have those eyes—that smile.

I stand up and walk to the desk. I need distance until this pill kicks in and we are back in friend-mode. I open a bottle of water and take a huge gulp, hoping the simple task of drinking will chill me out. I watch Matt over the top of the bottle. Our eyes lock when he reaches out to me and slides the bottle from my fingers. He gulps down a mouthful of water and then places the bottle back in my hand. There are two unopened bottles on the desk, but he took mine. He wanted mine. I take a drink to see if I can taste him, but it doesn’t taste like anything but water.

I know what Matt tastes like. When we kissed, he tasted like beer with a hint of bubblegum. The fact that I’ve kissed him is something I should be embarrassed about, ashamed of, but all I keep thinking is how badly I want him to kiss me again. I can’t think like that. I can’t feel this way, about Matt or anyone. I’m with Nick. And if I keep telling myself I love him, maybe one day it will feel real. It felt real last night. I also thought Heather King was the sweetest girl I’ve ever met. Thizz really warped my perception. There is no way I will ever be friends with Heather, no matter how awesome I thought she was. Is it possible that my feelings for Nick are just as warped? When I’m sober it isn’t Nick I want to be around, it’s Matt. It’s always been Matt.