“I like how the soft, fuzzy cotton of tube socks feels against my penis. I am a tube-sock-masturbator, and I’m not ashamed to leave crusty, jizz-filled socks under my bed for my mom to find,” I say in a rush, quickly pulling the microphone away from my mouth.

“WE LOVE YOU, MINIVAN!” Drew screams.

The guests immediately go back to their drinks and conversation, no longer shocked about anything that happens at this point.

Tossing the microphone on top of the table, I wrap my arms around Molly’s waist and pull her against my body. “Am I forgiven now?”

She presses her hands against my chest and looks up at me.

“Not yet, but that definitely earned you a few bonus points,” she tells me with a smile.

I can finally start breathing normally again and I lean my face down to hers, needing to feel her lips against mine to reassure myself that everything will be okay.

Her hand comes up between us and she presses it against my lips right before they touch hers.

“I really want to kiss you even thought I’m still kind of pissed at you, but I think I’m ready to throw up all the vodka now. Eating that meat was a bad idea,” she whispers, moving her hand from my mouth to hold it over her own.

“Oooooh, does Molly have the meat sweats now?” Charlotte laughs as her and Gavin walk up to us with their arms wrapped around each other.

“I think it’s the vodka sweats,” I tell her as Molly bends forward and puts her hands on her knees while I rub her back.

“Oh, that’s nothing. Try having the night sweats because you’re becoming a changeling,” Jenny announces, walking over with Drew while Claire and Carter and Liz and Jim follow.

“Jesus, Jenny, how many times do I have to tell you it’s called going through the change, not becoming a fucking changeling?” Claire tells her.

Drew shakes his head sadly and pats her back. “Sweetie, you don’t have to make up stories about menopause. It’s okay to admit you’ve been waking up with hot flashes because you’re having sex dreams about poop sex. You’re amongst family and no one will judge you. I’ve accepted your fetish, and I promise to take a dump on you the next time I’ve got one ready.”

Molly groans down by my knees and I feel her pain as my stomach rolls with the need to puke right along with her.

“I’m going to pretend I never heard those words come out of your mouth and just say I’m glad you girls finally got your shit together and came clean,” Liz says. “Do you have any idea how hard it’s been to keep a straight face the last few weeks? Jesus, Claire and I deserve a fucking medal.”

Molly’s head pops up and she looks quickly between her mother and her aunt. “You knew? This entire time you knew we were lying?”

Liz and Claire share a look and start laughing.

“Duh. Do we look like idiots?” Liz asks.

“Do you think maybe you should have clued me in on this information?” Jim complains.

Liz glares at him. “I was going to until I found out that stain on my living room carpet is actually meerkat jizz and not chip dip, like you swore it was.”

Jim groans and Drew starts laughing. “Fucking Tom Brady. That little guy sure did appreciate turtle porn, let me tell you. I’ve never seen so much spooge come out of such a tiny animal.”

Molly immediately turns her head and relieves herself of that pesky vodka, all over my shoes while Charlotte does the same down the front of Gavin’s tux.

“But seriously,” Liz continues, like the pukefest isn’t even happening. “I kind of just wanted to see how far you guys would take it before putting you out of your misery, but then you three girls started getting along like real sisters and that seemed more important than the shit-show you were putting on for us.”

I’m not sure who is more shocked right now since Charlotte, Ava, Molly and I all share the same jaw-dropping looks of surprise.

“So, Molly’s not pregnant?” Drew asks.

Liz shakes her head. “Nope.”

“But she had sex, right? You had sex?” Drew asks, turning to look at Molly, still bent over down by my knees.

“Uh, yes?” Molly replies uncertainly.

“WOOOHOOO, Molly had sex!” Drew cheers, punching his fists in the air.

A painful ‘oof’ comes out of him when Jim punches him in the stomach. When Drew recovers, he holds his hands up in front of her to stop Jim from hitting him again.

“I know, I know! She’s my niece, and it’s disgusting I’m happy, but…it’s sex, dude!” Drew explains. “Sex is awesome! But, she’s my niece and I should be pissed. But sex is awesome!”

Drew crosses his arms and shakes his head. “I hate being so conflicted.”

Liz grabs Charlotte and Ava, pulling them over to Molly as she finally stands back up and takes a deep breath to calm her churning stomach.

“I almost smothered the three of you when you were toddlers and couldn’t get along. Then, I tried to sell you on eBay when all three of you had your periods at the same time and almost killed each other,” Liz tells them. “Now that you’re adults, I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve done research on turning you into mail-order brides and shipping you off to another country to make you someone else’s problem. Can you girls finally admit you love each other and stop acting like assholes?”

The three sisters look at each other quietly for a few minutes before they all smile.

“I’m sorry I ruined your wedding,” Molly tells Charlotte.

“I’m sorry I made you lie to everyone and carry my baby,” Charlotte replies with a shrug. “I’d hug you, but you still smell like meat.”

Molly nods, leaning her head on my shoulder as I shake her puke off my shoes.

Charlotte, Molly and Liz turn their heads towards Ava and wait for her to apologize.

“I’m sorry I’ve had to put up with you two slutty cock-knobs my entire life.”

Liz sighs and Ava rolls her eyes.

“Fine! You know I hate all this touchy-feely shit,” she grumbles. “I love you fuckers. I’m sorry I couldn’t be less of an asshole than you two and it took this shit to bring us together.”

Satisfied with the apologies and the love in the room, Liz drops her arms from around Ava and Charlotte, motioning towards the back of the room.

“It’s T-Time, assholes. I need a drink.”

Everyone cheers and they all follow Liz as she leads them to the bar, leaving Molly and I alone.

I wrap my arms around Molly and hold her tight as we watch Gavin and Charlotte bring up the rear holding hands, staring at each other lovingly despite the crazy train their wedding turned in to.

“I love you and I really like your family, but we’re eloping when we get married,” I tell Molly.

“Oh, there is no fucking way we’re inviting any of these lunatics,” she agrees, wrapping her arms around my waist as we make our way across the room to continue celebrating with all the crazies.

Epilogue

Molly

One year later…

“God dammit, Tom Brady,” Uncle Drew mutters, shaking his head at the meerkat he has on a leash. “Your dick is going to fall off if you keep it up.”

Mom’s face curls up in disgust as she stares at the new stain on her carpet.

“Drew, get that damn animal out of my house. That’s the third time today he’s jerked-off on my carpet. What the fuck is wrong with him?”

Uncle Drew bends forward in his chair and quickly covers the animal’s ears. “Don’t yell at Tom Brady! It’s not his fault he has a healthy libido.”

After the night of the bachelor and bachelorette parties, Uncle Drew got a call from the zookeeper informing him that due to the trauma the meerkat sustained, he was suffering from PTSD and his behavior was scaring the zoo guests. To save the animal from being shipped back to Australia and placed in a home for wayward meerkats, Uncle Drew adopted him. I don’t know how that’s legal and I don’t want to know. It’s always best to never ask questions in this family.