“Hump-hump-hump, I just peed on you!” she shouts, falling back into the couch in a fit of giggles.

Her laughter stops abruptly and she quickly sits back up, holding her hand out in front of me.

“I went poop. Gimme chocolate,” she states.

I reach for the bag of Hershey Kisses on the table next to the couch and try not to panic when I realize it’s empty. Valerie looks at the empty bag in clutched in my hand, her eyes filling with tears and her bottom lip starting to quiver.

“Hey, it’s okay! Don’t cry,” I beg. “How about a box of cereal? Or some grapes. Grapes are really yummy!”

Valerie isn’t buying it and she crosses her arms in front of her angrily.

“Chocolate! I poop and I get chocolate, mommy says so!” she yells.

Shit, rule number three, just remember rule number three.

I smile and nod, exaggerating my enthusiasm. “I know! You’re such a big girl for shitting all by yourself. I mean, dropped a deuce. No, that’s bad too. You pooped! Yaaaay you pooped on the potty!”

Valerie isn’t amused even when I wave my hands in the air above my head.

“How about I let you beat up some hookers, rob a bank, and shoot up a strip club?” I ask with a sigh, dropping my hands into my lap.

Her eyes light up and she starts bouncing up and down on the couch again.

“I wanna drive the black car and run people over, and can I stab someone wif a knife? I like it when the blood squirts all over and they fall down!”

Shaking my head, I hand over the controller and un-pause the game.

“Have at it, kid. Just remember—”

“Grand Feft Auto isn’t real life,” she cuts me off in a robotic voice, her eyes never leaving the TV.

Look how easy it was to teach a four-year-old something new? Maybe I will make a good father someday. Hopefully Molly will agree.

Chapter 22

– Pumpkin Roll Punany –

Molly

“See? That’s where you went wrong. You have to separate the eggs first and only use the egg whites. You’re such an amateur,” Uncle Drew complains, shaking his head at Tyler as I walk by them.

“Hey, Molly! You’re, like, a cook and shit, right? You can answer this question for us,” Tyler says, grabbing my arm to stop me from walking right on by them and pretending like I don’t know them.

“I’m actually a classically trained French Pastry Chef,” I remind him.

They both stare at me in confusion and I sigh.

“Yes, I cook and shit.”

Tyler smiles and Uncle Drew lifts his beer bottle and gives me a wink.

“Egg yolks or egg whites? Which is better?” Uncle Drew asks.

“Um, it depends what you’re making,” I reply, shocked and a bit happy that these guys recognize and understand my passion and career expertise. “If you’re talking about making whip cream, you never used the yolks, but if you’re making, say a nice béarnaise you would-”

Uncle Drew puts his hand on my arm and snorts. “Imma let you finish but…”

“But, we’re talking about which works better as a substitute for sex latex, obviously,” Tyler finishes for him with his own snort and eye roll.

“Please tell my idiot son that only egg whites harden when brushed on the nipples so you can gently peel it off,” Uncle Drew states, turning away from me to glare at Tyler. “I even dog-eared that chapter in the porn book for you AND highlighted it.”

Tyler throws his hands up in the air in annoyance. “Do you know how long I had to sleep on the couch after mixing up Pumpkin Roll Punany and Baking Bread and Butt Bumps? That book you gave me had half the pages stuck together and I fucked everything up. It turns out, spanking a woman with a pumpkin roll is very messy and mixing fresh bread ingredients in a vagina really DOES cause a yeast infection.”

I close my eyes and wonder why I ever thought our family could have a nice, dignified evening out in public for once as Uncle Drew and Tyler continue arguing back and forth. Not even the beautiful, fancy atmosphere of one of the nicest restaurants in town could make these people behave.

My eyes slowly open when I feel a pair of warm lips press to the side of my neck. I smile even though my uncle and Tyler are still arguing, but now it’s over who can successfully use the word nipples in every sentence in regards to dinner.

“My nipples get hard just thinking about the chicken parm they’re serving.”

“I can see cousin Rachel’s nipples through her white shirt.”

“OVERRULED!”

“On what grounds?!”

“Incest is only legal in porn and erotic fiction!”

“Fine. Sustained, but I’ll need to see you in my chambers.”

I turn away from the idiots in front of me and wrap my arms around the waist of the smart, beautiful man behind me.

“Do I even want to ask?” Marco laughs, running one of his hands up and down my arm.

“Not unless you want to lower your I.Q. by about a hundred points.”

Pushing up on my toes, I give him a quick kiss, pulling back to smile. “Thank you for coming to the rehearsal dinner tonight.”

His hand continues moving up my bare arm and over my shoulder, wrapping its warmth softly around my neck so he can slide his thumb back and forth over my cheek.

“Free booze and a five course meal? Like I’d say no to that!” He laughs. “Or a chance to see your sexy ass in a hot dress again.”

I let Ava dress me again for Gavin and Charlotte’s rehearsal dinner since the last time she did, Marco couldn’t keep his hands off me. Tonight, she stuffed me into a skin-tight red halter dress that I have to say, makes my boobs look amazing.

“Marco! Just the man I want to see,” Tyler yells from behind me as Marco keeps his hand in place on my neck and takes a sip of his drink with the other.

“You look like the type of guy that’s used Seduction and Sugar on a few women before. What’s your take on the Tiramisu and Titty Twister chapter?” Uncle Drew asks.

Marco’s drink goes down the wrong pipe and he immediately starts choking and coughing. I quickly move to his side to pat his back, giving my uncle a dirty look.

“Seriously, Uncle Drew? I think Marco has a bit more class than that.”

Marco starts coughing harder, and I take the drink from his hand as he bends at the waist and puts his hands on his knees. Uncle Drew and Tyler finally walk away, muttering something about how no one appreciates good porn anymore.

After a few minutes of rubbing my hand soothingly against Marco’s back, he finally stands up and takes a deep breath.

“I should have know those two would consider that stupid book their bible,” I laugh. “Are okay?”

Marco takes his drink glass from my hand and sets it on a nearby empty table, turning back to grab both of my hands.

“I need to tell you something,” he whispers.

“My family is full of idiots?” I ask with a laugh. “I’m aware.”

“I’m an idiot too. A really, really big idiot. I need to—”

Glancing over Marco’s shoulder, I see Charlotte finally alone, standing in the corner of the room on the other side of the restaurant and I hold my hand up distractedly.

“Sorry, can you hold that thought?” I ask, my eyes glued to Charlotte as she checks something on her phone. “Charlotte is finally alone and I need to talk to her really quick.”

Marco looks a little frustrated that I interrupted him, and I immediately feel bad. I thought he was going to tell me something stupid my dad and Uncle Carter said to him since he’d been busy talking to them over by the bar before he came over here, but maybe I was wrong.

“Never mind, I’ll talk to her later.”

He shakes his head and gives me a quick kiss on the cheek. “No, it’s fine. It can wait. Does this have anything to do with the private little conversation I saw you and Gavin having a little bit ago?”