It has everything to do with that talk my soon-to-be brother-in-law had and if I’m lucky, we can finally be finished with this stupid charade once and for all.
“That it does,” I tell him with a smile. “Brace yourself, Marco. If all goes well, I should be un-knocked up by the third course.”
He quickly gets down on one knee, grabs my hips, and presses his lips to my stomach.
“What the hell are you doing?” I whisper loudly, looking around in embarrassment when a bunch of people start staring.
“If this whole thing is coming to an end, I feel like I should go out with a bang,” he explains. “Really put everything I’ve got into this role to make it memorable. Besides, I’ve gotten to know this little fake fetus the last few weeks. We’ve bonded. I’m going to be sad to see the little bugger go.”
I clutch onto the shoulders of his dress shirt and try pulling him up from the ground, but he’s not budging.
“No matter what you hear tonight, Cletus the Fetus, Daddy loves you,” he speaks softly to my stomach. “We’ve had some good times, we’ve had some bad times, and we’ve had some times where you’ve needed to cover your little fake fetus ears because your mommy is a screamer.”
I smack his arm, shooting a nervous smile to all the people watching us with sappy looks on their faces.
“Oh, my God, get up!” I whisper through my embarrassed smile.
“I know, Cletus the Fetus, Mommy confuses me too. Oh, my God is usually followed by ‘Go down!’ when she screams it,” Marco tells my stomach.
“If you don’t get up right now, I will tell everyone your soufflé couldn’t get it up,” I growl.
He quickly stands and gives me a shocked look. “You wouldn’t? It was ONE time and you said it happens to everyone!”
With a laugh, I grab his tie and yank him down to my lips, pressing my mouth to his. When the people standing closest to us start to clap and cheer, I pull my lips from his before I get too carried away.
“Save me a seat, I’ll be back in a few,” I tell him, smoothing his tie down before heading in Charlotte’s direction.
“I’ll miss you Cletus! Remember me fondly,” Marco calls after me.
I ignore him and charge through the crowd, standing quietly behind Charlotte while she’s still staring at something on her phone. I lean over her shoulder and immediately regret it when I see she’s watching some sort of horror movie, the screen filled with what looks like bloody roast beef falling out of a wound in someone’s body that has blood and guts and internal organs spilling out of it.
“What the fuck are you watching?”
Charlotte screams, dropping her phone as she whirls around to face me.
“Dammit, Molly! I thought you’d finally gotten tired of sneaking up on people. It’s like you get some sort of sick thrill out of making people scream,” Charlotte complains with a sigh, bending down to grab her phone.
“It’s true, I do. I keep your screams in a jar in my closet next to the severed heads,” I explain with a shrug. “Want to tell me why you’re watching the world’s most disgusting horror movie right before dinner?”
“It wasn’t a horror movie, it was a Youtube video of a live birth,” she tells me, setting her phone on the table next to her.
“That was a vagina?” I ask in shock. “I knew they were pretty resilient, but how the hell do they come back from something like that? It looked like it went through a meat grinder. Your vagina is going to look like a raw hamburger patty covered in ketchup and thrown at a wall.”
She glares at me, her hands on her hips and her foot tapping against the floor. “Thanks a lot. Like I’m not freaked out enough as it is.”
I pat her shoulder comfortingly. “Well, you’ll be happy to know I have one less thing for you to be worried about. I had a nice little chat with Gavin earlier. He wanted to apologize for being a dick and so angry when he walked in on us in the bathroom that day and also for avoiding me since then.”
Charlotte’s eyes widen in fear and her hands drop to her sides. “Did you tell him? What the fuck did you say to him?!”
“Calm the fuck down, burger vag,” I sigh. “I didn’t tell him anything, but you definitely will before this night is over. It turns out, Gavin wasn’t angry, he was jealous. Because he’s decided he wants kids and he’s afraid to tell you since you guys both agreed not to have them. So, now you can tell him tonight and not have anything at all to worry about tomorrow.”
I smile happily, waiting for her to tell me how amazing I am and how it’s all thanks to me that she can marry the love of her life without having any secrets between them.
“Are you insane?!” She screeches. “I can’t tell him now, at our rehearsal dinner! He’ll want to tell everyone and then mom and dad will know and it will start a huge argument and this perfect night will be ruined!”
“Did you even hear what I said?” I yell back. “Your fiancé wants kids. You can finally stop telling him you have the flu and that your ass isn’t the size of Texas now because of stress-eating. This is a good thing, dumbass!”
She huffs, snatching her phone from the table as the owner of the restaurant announces for everyone to take their seats so they can begin serving the first course.
“You bitches want to tone it down a little? People are starting to stare,” Ava tells us as she walks up next to us.
“I’ll tone it down when meaty vagina here tells Gavin the truth,” I announce petulantly.
Charlotte grimaces and Ava sighs.
“I’m just going to pretend I understand the meaty vagina reference before Charlotte pukes on my shoes. I thought we were waiting until after the wedding?” Ava asks.
“We ARE,” Charlotte growls. “I don’t want anything to ruin tonight or tomorrow. What’s the big deal, anyway?”
“The big deal is that I just told you your fiancé wants kids and all you care about is having a perfect wedding!” I argue.
“Wait, Gavin wants kids?” Ava asks in shock.
“Not only does he want kids, he’s been jealous of my fake pregnancy this entire time and is freaking out about telling Charlotte he’s changed his mind,” I inform her.
The pissed off and annoyed look on Charlotte’s face immediately disappears and she smiles brightly at something behind me.
“We saw you guys having a little argument. Don’t mind us, just carry on,” Dicky Daren tells us as he aims the camera in our direction.
Charlotte laughs nervously. “Oh, no, we’re not arguing! We’re…ummmm, excited. Molly just told us she felt the baby kick!”
The camera flies in my direction and I can hear it clicking and whirring as it zooms in on my stomach.
“Right, Molly? You felt the baby kick because that would be sweet and awesome and wouldn’t cause anyone like Mom and Mad to scream and fight and ruin this entire night, right?” Charlotte asks, her eyes wide and pleading with me as she presses her hands to my stomach.
“You are such an asshole,” Ava mutters to Charlotte, as the camera pans to Ava’s face. “I mean, an asshole for getting to feel that little spawn kicking before me!”
Ava’s hands also fly to my stomach and all three of us look into the camera with fake smiles while I silently curse Charlotte.
“Yaaaaay, it kicked,” I cheer in a monotone voice with fake enthusiasm.
Someone clangs their silverware against a glass across the room and Dicky Daren finally finds something more interesting to record as he walks away from us.
All three of us let out a sigh when we’re alone again.
“I’m sorry,” Charlotte whispers. “I just don’t want anything to mess this up. Please, Molly, just until after the wedding. I know I’m being selfish and I know you hate me, but this is the only wedding I’ll ever have and I want it to be perfect.”
With an annoyed growl, I point my finger at Charlotte’s face. “You better hope this is your only wedding because if there’s a second one, I will fuck that shit up.”