Charlotte squeals, throwing her arms around me to squeeze me so tight I can’t breathe. “You are the best sister in the whole world!”

Ava clears her throat. “Um, hello? What about me?”

Charlotte finally releases me and scowls at her. “You sent me that birthing video and told me it was a cute kitten compilation.”

“Well, it was about pussies, so technically I didn’t lie. I just forgot to mention it was about pussies that look like a serial killer got ahold of them,” Ava shrugs.

Leaving them to bicker, I turn and make my way to the table where Marco is sitting. He sees me coming and pulls my chair out for me, resting his arm on the back when I sit down.

“Everything go okay?” he asks softly as the servers come out of the kitchen and start putting plates in front of everyone.

“Super,” I tell him with a bright smile. “You’ll be happy to know Cletus kicked for the first time. It was a joyous event.”

Marco slides a glass of orange juice across the table to me and gives me a sympathetic smile.

“Yum, more mommy juice,” I grumble, bringing the glass to my lips and taking a huge swallow.

My throat burns and my eyes water as soon as the liquid slides down my throat and I slam my fist against my chest as I cough.

“I guess I shouldn’t have asked the bartender to put enough vodka in there to choke a horse,” Marco whispers in my ear as he pats my back. “Fetal Alcohol Syndrome for our baby it is!”

I get my coughing under control and manage a small laugh. “Thanks for sneaking me a drink. I’m going to need about ten more to get through this night.”

Clinking my glass against Marco’s beer bottle, I hold it up for a toast.

“Here’s to one more night with our little bundle of joy. May our baby have your good looks and my charming personality, minus the swearing and underage drinking.”

A server’s arm that was sliding between us suddenly drops the plate of food right into Marco’s lap.

“YOU’RE having a baby?!”

Marco’s chair flies backwards as he pushes his feet against the floor to quickly remove the boiling hot shrimp scampi appetizer from his crotch, and I turn around to look at the woman who just yelled and dropped the plate.

I practically motorboat the woman standing between us since her giant fake boobs that are popping out of her shirt are right at my eye level.

“Megan, I didn’t know you worked here,” Marco says with an uncomfortable laugh while he swipes away the food with his cloth napkin. “It’s been a while. How’ve you been?”

I look back and forth between Tits McGee and Marco, wondering how they know each other, hoping they’re neighbors or cousins. Please, God, let them be related.

“Did I really hear you say you’re having a baby? I think I’m going to be sick,” Bimbo Barbie says with a grimace, tossing her perfect blonde hair over one shoulder.

“Um, Molly, this is Megan Levine. Megan, this is my girlfriend, Molly,” Marco says without looking up, suddenly very interested in getting the stains out of the crotch of his pants.

She doesn’t even glance in my direction, and if I didn’t already hate her because of her fake tits, big hair, tiny waist and all around perfect body, I sure as shit would now. She looks right over my head like I’m not even sitting here.

“It must take a lot of skill to say the word girlfriend without laughing,” she says with a smile that is definitely not friendly. “Looks like nothing has changed and you’re still sleeping your way through another stupid porn cookbook. If you decide to include another story about me in this one, at least get the facts straight. The Chocolate Sauce Suckfest was my idea, and I’m the one who told you to use milk chocolate instead of semi sweet. The least you could do is put my name in the acknowledgements.”

So, not a cousin, unless it’s recently become acceptable to blow your relative.

I try really hard to say something awesome and sarcastic to make her feel like an asshole, but I’m too busy wondering why Marco would ever want someone like me when he had someone like her. Also, what in the holy fuck is she talking about? Porn cookbook? Acknowledgements? Is everyone a fan of that stupid Seduction and Sugar book but me?

“Oh, how cute,” Megan purrs. “I think your girlfriend is in shock. You might want to do something about that, Alfanso. Or is it Marco? I can never remember which is the right one.”

What in the actual fuck of all fucks is happening right now? Am I on drugs? Is she on drugs? Is the documentary they’ve been filming really some kind of hidden camera show where they play jokes on people? Maybe it’s an episode of Intervention and mom was right. Vodka really is a gateway drug to meth and I became an addict without even knowing it.

I need to say something since it appears as if Marco has become mute. Tell her to go fuck herself. Tell her to take her porn star tits and go back to the stripper pole where she belongs. Tell her she’s a liar and snotty bitch.

Wait, did she say Alfanso?

“I puked when I gave him a blowjob,” I mutter.

“Blowjob puking?” Uncle Drew pipes up from across the table. “There’s porn for that. It’s a little disturbing, but surprisingly good quality. Hold on, I have it bookmarked.”

Uncle Drew pulls out his phone, and I stare at Marco, waiting for him to explain what the hell is going on before I lose my mind.

“Ava almost did that once, but she made it to the toilet right after she swallowed,” Tyler muses. “That’s why my pet name for her is Cum-Bubble. She had this adorable little bubble of snot and jizz in one nostril. I think I still have the picture somewhere on my phone.”

Why isn’t Marco saying anything?

“Holy shit! Are you Alfanso D.?!” Tyler suddenly shouts across the table in excitement, staring wide-eyed at Marco. “Dude, Chocolate Sauce Suckfest changed my life!”

He elbows Uncle Drew.

“Hold on, I almost found it. I saved it after the link for grandma banging and before the one for midget anal,” Uncle Drew mutters, finally looking up from his phone when Tyler keeps nudging him.

“Dad, we’ve been in the company of porn royalty this entire time and didn’t even know it,” Tyler says in awe.

“I’m not a partial-virgin anymore,” I mumble stupidly.

“Oh, I KNOW I’ve got virgin porn on here. You’re gonna need to be more specific about the partial thing, though,” Uncle Drew says, going back to his phone.

“Molly, I can explain,” Marco whispers, finally deciding to speak.

“Oh, this should be good,” Blondie mutters with a sarcastic laugh.

I finally clear my head enough to notice the guilty look on Marco’s face, and I realize he hasn’t said one word about how this bitch is lying or confused or a homeless meth addict posing as a server.

“How about you just fuck right off, Giant Jugs?” I growl, my eyes narrowing at the slut who refuses to walk away.

She gasps and then huffs, looking at Marco like she expects him to come to her defense. When he wisely keeps his mouth shut and his eyes stay glued to mine, she finally storms away, leaving a cloud of fruity perfume in her wake that makes me nauseous.

“Molly, please—”

“Was she telling the truth?” I ask, cutting him off.

I don’t know why I’m even asking since I can see it written all over his miserable face. I can’t decide if I want to cry or smack him.

Calmly pushing my chair back, I stand and toss my napkin on top of the table.

“I lied. It IS a big deal and it doesn’t happen to every guy!” I yell, channeling Rachel from Friends.

Marco gasps, but I’m too upset and heart broken and pissed to let the hurt look on his face get to me.

“Ooooh, got yourself a wilting wiener problem, huh?” Uncle Drew asks him with a sympathetic smile. “Don’t worry, I’ve got just the porn for that. Shit, where did I put the link to the toe fucking website…”