“Let’s see how YOU like the meat sweats!” Charlotte screams as Molly reaches down the front of her dress and pulls out a fist-full of ham.

“I happen to LOVE the meat sweats! Too bad we don’t have any ground meat so I could shove it in your fat ass granny panties and you can see what it will be like to have a slimy, meaty vagina in a few months!” Molly screams back.

“I think I’m going to puke now,” Gavin mutters, pressing his hands to his stomach.

The parents and aunts and uncles all jump up from their table and join Ava and I in a race around the bridal table as Molly and Charlotte scream in unison and start whipping lunch meat at each other’s faces.

“EAT THE SLIMY HAM, YOU SLUTTY PREGNANT DICK!” Molly yells, snatching a clump of meat from the table and shoving it against Charlotte’s mouth with one hand while she grabs a handful of Charlotte’s veil and holds her head still with the other.

“YOU EAT IT, YOU PENIS-PUKING-PORN-WRITER-FUCKER-WHORE-FACE!” Charlotte screams back, jerking her face from side to side as Molly keeps trying to shove ham in her mouth.

Ava and I get to Molly first and we both wrap our arms around her, pulling her away from Charlotte as she kicks and screams and curses. Liz and Jim do the same to Charlotte, and we all manage to separate the girls as they continue to fling cold cuts at each other while we drag them apart.

Tyler quickly grabs the microphone from the floor where Molly dropped it, tapping on it a few times before addressing the crowd.

“And that concludes the dinner theater portion of the reception! How about we give these guys a hand for their amazing and artistic portrayal of a white trash family?!” Tyler says, clapping his hand against the microphone as the room slowly joins in. “Help yourself to the open bar and stay tuned for the next show in forty-five minutes. The famous author, Alfanso D. will be cooking up some tasty babies as a special treat for everyone!”

He sets down the microphone and the confused guests start getting up from their tables to head to the bar where hopefully there’s enough booze to make all of them black-out.

“You take care of this one, I’m going to help Mom and Dad,” Ava tells me, shoving Molly into my arms. “Fix her, or I will use the box of toothpicks in my grandfather’s pocket to filet your dick like a trout and shove it down your throat.”

My dick tries to claw its way up inside my body in fear when Ava gives me the two-finger warning, point at her eyes and then my crotch area before walking away.

Taking a deep breath, I turn Molly around to face me and quietly begin pulling pieces of ham and salami out of her hair.

“I ruined my sister’s wedding and you ruined my heart,” she whispers sadly.

Glancing behind her, I see Gavin down on his knees talking to Charlotte’s stomach with a huge smile on his face while the rest of her family laughs and jokes with each other around them.

“Only one of those things is true,” I tell her quietly as I peal off a slice of ham stuck to her shoulder and toss it to the floor. Gently turning her body around, I point to her family a few feet away.

“I can’t believe I’m going to be a dad!” Gavin says happily, placing another kiss to Charlotte’s stomach before jumping to his feet and pulling her in for a hug.

Charlotte nestles her face into the side of his neck and mumbles an apology.

“I’m sorry I lied to you. I should have told you the truth, I was just so scared of losing you. I’m such an idiot…” she trails off.

“You’re both idiots,” Claire tells them, glaring at Gavin. “How in the hell did you not realize your fiancé was pregnant when you live together?”

Gavin shrugs. “I mean, I knew she was acting different, but you always told me if I didn’t have anything nice to say that I shouldn’t say anything at all. What kind of a man would I be if I told the woman I love that I thought her ass was getting a little big?”

Charlotte starts crying and Gavin quickly backpedals. “I didn’t mean it like that! You have a GREAT ass!”

Drew steps forward and nods enthusiastically. “It’s true, you do. Tom Brady always grabs the gherkin when he looks at your ass.”

Molly turns away from them and I press my hands to her cheeks, tilting her face up to me.

“You have no idea how sorry I am.”

She sniffles, swiping angrily at a tear on her cheek. I hate myself for making her cry, but at least she’s not running away, refusing to listen. Judging by what just happened, I’m pretty sure she polished off more vodka than everyone in this room combined and who knows if she’ll even understand or remember what I’m about to say, but I know it’s the only chance I have to explain and I’m taking it whether she passes out or throws up.

Giving up on the meat since there seems to be a hell of a lot stuck to her and down the front of her dress, I grab her face and tilt it up so I can see her eyes.

“I’m sorry for lying to you,” I whisper. “It killed me to keep it from you, and I swear on my mother and sister’s lives that I’ve tried to tell you so many times the last few weeks. I’m sorry I’m such an asshole and kept putting it off because I was so afraid of losing you.”

She sighs loudly and I start talking faster before she walks away.

“I was a jerk before we got together, and yes, I said and did a lot of stupid shit online just to get people to laugh and buy that stupid cookbook. You changed everything, Molly. You and your crazy family made me want things I never thought I did before. I’ve never been so tied up in knots or so scared or crazy. You make me crazy, and it’s the best thing that’s every happened to me,” I tell her softly.

“I was so scared to tell you the truth because I know how much you hate that guy. I hate him too but you have to know I’m not him anymore, and it’s because of you. It kills me knowing I hurt you and it breaks my heart that I’m the reason for your tears. Please, forgive me, Molly. If you give me one more chance, I promise I’ll never make you cry again. I’ll spend every day showing you I’m not that same jerk who exploited women for a stupid cookbook. Give me a chance to earn your trust again. I love you. I’ve waited my whole life for someone like you. Stay with me, say you’ll forgive me, and I will do anything. Whatever it takes.”

I stop talking and hold my breath until she finally speaks.

“You’ll do anything?” she asks.

My heart beats faster with excitement even though I shouldn’t get my hopes up. There is no way she’ll forgive me this easily and I don’t blame her.

I nod my head quickly in response.

“Whatever I ask?” she questions.

I nod again and she pushes up on her tiptoes and whispers softly in my ear. When she’s finished, she pulls away and I drop my hands from her face with a soft groan.

“Really? Right now?”

She takes a few steps back and grabs the microphone from the table where Tyler left it, her eyes never leaving mine as she comes back to me and holds it out in front of her.

“I’m covered in meat grease and announced to everyone I know that I puked on a dick because I drank half a bottle of vodka to try and stop my heart from hurting,” she tells me, pointing towards the room full of people. “Right here, right now.”

With a sigh, I bring the microphone up to my mouth.

“Excuse me, could I have everyone’s attention, please?”

The low hum of conversation in the room immediately quiets down and all eyes turn to me. I glance at Molly to see if she might change her mind, but she just crosses her arm and waits for me to do what she asked.

I look back out at the crowd and smile nervously.

“So, um, hello everyone. My name is Marco and I just want to thank you all for coming and tell you I masturbate into my socks. Like, a lot.”

I laugh uncomfortably at the silence in the room, looking over at Molly again to see her pull a piece of salami out of the front of her dress and take a bite. She motions to me with the half-eaten slice to continue, the meat flopping around in her hand as I look back out at the crowded room.