Taking a deep breath, I surveyed the room, then sniffed the air. “Candles,” I muttered and went in search of them. I had two mango and tangerine ones I’d picked up from Target. I lit those, then stretched out on the sofa. As soon as I did, I sat up straight again. No, I didn’t want Ryan to think we could skip talking and go straight to the sex.

He’d said he loved me. I smiled at the memory. We would order pizza. No, Chinese takeout. We’d eat. And we’d talk through the night if we had to. But tonight, everything would change. The minutes passed as I waited.

He should have been here by now. I looked at my cell phone. He was only ten minutes past the time we’d agreed to meet. I bit my lip. He’d said he’d be here. He would be. Of course he would. When twenty minutes passed, I began to pace the room. What if something had happened?

Get a grip. That side of his life was over. I stopped. Was it? I thought back to our conversation in the car. Had Ryan said it was over? No. He hadn’t. He’d only said that Chanos was dead. He’d never said that the past was over. Never said he wasn’t a part of it anymore.

I sank onto the sofa. The memory of seeing my mother so helpless after she’d been shot zipped through my mind’s eye and the awful days that had followed tumbled after the memory. I couldn’t go through something like that again and if Ryan was involved in stuff, then I’d always have to deal with these fears, always have to wonder if he was okay when he didn’t show up. After thirty minutes, with no phone call from Ryan and no answer when I tried to call him, I blew out the candles and paced some more.

By the time an hour had passed, I went to change. Stripping off the dress, I shoved it into a ball in the corner of the closet. I couldn’t stand to look at it, at the hope that it had represented. Removing the sexy lingerie, I dressed in the sweat pants and T-shirt I usually wore to bed. God, what a fool I still was for Ryan. One look from him, one conversation and I was ready to lay myself open to the devastation he’d wreaked on my heart like before. How stupid could I be? I decided that I wouldn’t stay in my dorm tonight. I didn’t want Ryan to show up with some lame excuse or to tell me that he’d thought it over and didn’t want to be with me after all. I didn’t want hear him say he was still part of a dark past that might someday claim his life.

*

RYAN

I raked a hand down my face. Tana wasn’t answering her phone. I raced to the college and as soon as I parked the Charger, I ran across the campus to her dorm and banged my fist on the door so hard I thought I’d punched a hole in it.

There was no answer. Shit. I couldn’t be this fucking close to having her in my life again only to have it snatched away. I eased myself to the floor and sat there all night long. It was a quarter past nine before Shelby walked into the hall wearing a rumpled dress and carrying a pair of high heels in her hand. She shoved a key into the lock and gave me a nasty glare. “I talked to Tana last night. You have a lot of nerve showing up here.”

“Where is she?”

“Why would I tell you?”

I gripped both sides of the doorframe after she walked in. “Because me not being here last night was something I couldn’t help.”

“Uh huh. Something or someone? I know she has stars in her eyes when it comes to you, but she’s my friend and I won’t let you hurt her.”

“I would have moved heaven and hell to get to her last night because I love her and I’m asking you to let me make this right with her.”

Shelby’s cold expression softened. “Oh. She has history again this period. She’s probably already there.”

“Thanks.” I left before Shelby could say anything else. I didn’t want to hear from Tana’s friend how that Tana was done with me. Not before I had a chance to explain.

Instead of using the doors at the back of the room, I used the side entrance that the professor took to enter the room. He was at the lecture podium and when I opened the door, his eyebrows shot up. He looked at me over the top of his glasses and recognition dawned. “Can I help you?”

“I need this.” I stepped in front of the microphone. “Tana Shaw!” Heads turned toward where she was sitting in the same spot where I’d seen her in the class the first time. “Last night, something prevented me from getting to you. But that doesn’t mean we’re not meant to be.”

Some of the girls in the class made the ‘aww’ sound. I ignored them. “I know you’re scared. Hell, the thought of how I might screw this up in a million different ways scares me too. You’re right that I’ve got a shitload of junk in my past and I won’t deny that. But my past made me who I am today and I won’t apologize for that because it has helped me to survive and it has led me here, to this point. And that’s loving you.”

Tana stood up, but I was afraid to give her a chance to speak, afraid she’d tell me that it was too late. I rushed on. “You need to know that my past made me strong enough to protect the people I care about and that’s never going to change. If you think that makes me a badass or a sonofabitch or whatever you want to label me, then so be it. I’ll let out whatever fucking demon I have in me to protect you. You need to know that before you take me on.” I opened my arms. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here last night. I’m asking you to realize that I fucking love you and that will never change no matter how many times I screw up.”

Tana covered her mouth with her hands as the girls in the class started clapping. Then crying, she threaded her way past the rows of other students, and made her way to the aisle. My heart skipped a beat when she started toward me. Carefully, slowly, then running. She flung herself into my arms. I kissed her and the professor said, “Well, I guess she loves him too.”

The class erupted into laughter and the professor firmly invited us to leave his class and said for me not to come back.

Outside the classroom, I smoothed the hair away from her tear-stained face and said, “I can’t ever not love you.”

“I thought you’d made the decision last night that you didn’t want to be with me.”

I pressed her hand against my thundering heart. “That’s not possible. I want you in my bed, in my life now and in my future.”

“Future.” She smiled at that. “I always thought you saw that as a dirty word when it came to relationships.”

“Not with you.”

She gave me a look from beneath her long lashes and said shyly, “Do you want to come back to the dorm with me?”

I grinned at the lust in her eyes. Hell, yeah.

Chapter Thirty-One

TANA

I led Ryan to the dorm and though Shelby gave me a raised eyebrow as she left for her class, she didn’t say anything. I locked the door behind her and kissed Ryan hungrily, the way that I’d wanted to in the class, the way I’d longed to for months. The need for him had built in me until I’d thought I’d go crazy from wanting him.

He walked us backward, not stopping until we butted up against the wall. I arched my neck, giving his lips the access that they sought as they burned a trail across my skin. His hands gripped my ass as he lifted me up and I slid my legs around him. His erection pressed up against me and my body ached with desire for him to fill me. The softness of his lips moved down to the base of my neck and suddenly, he was still, his forehead pressing against my chest.

“What is it?” I pulled his head up to look into his beautiful eyes.

“You scare me.”

“Me?”

“How much I love you scares me. I’ve never let myself need anyone as much as I need you.”

I pressed my hands against his face. “I love you, Ryan. I’m not going anywhere. Whatever comes, we’ll work through it together. I’m your family and I always will be. For as long as you want me to be.”