She’d proven that. I’d written letters before I’d left Michigan, but there’d been no response. I’d tried to call and text her but her number had been changed. When she’d said goodbye that final day I’d seen her, apparently, she’d meant it. I’d taken great pains to avoid being near any place I thought she’d go whenever I was on campus. If she didn’t want to see me, I would respect that and wouldn’t force the issue. I’d put her through enough.

“Okay, you’re probably right. She probably hates you. So let’s you and I hit the party circuit. I’ll even let you be my wingman.”

I laughed at that. Lewis struck out every time. “I’m gonna finish this letter.”

“Like that’s what you really want.” Lewis bounced back and put up his fists. “Don’t make me kick your ass.”

I laughed again. Lewis probably only topped out at 100 and I doubted he’d ever started a fight in his life.

“You owe her an explanation for what you did to her.”

“No, I fucking don’t.” I gave up the pretense of writing.

“Yes, you do. She’s making choices based on the belief that you don’t care about her and never did.”

“Lewis, butt the fuck out.”

“Stop being a pussy and talk to her.”

“Speaking of ass kicking, I’m about to hand one to you.”

Lewis sighed. “There’s another reason that I want you to go. The party’s at a fraternity house. Some of those guys think it’s funny to kick my ass.”

“Then why do you want to go?”

“Because I’m not a pussy. Because I’m not going to let those guys make my time here miserable. Because I can step up to the plate. Now, if you won’t go for Tana, go to keep me from getting my ass kicked at a party at least once.”

“Alright, man. I’ve got your back. Let’s go.” Maybe Lewis was right. Maybe I needed to see Tana and explain why I’d acted the way that I had. I leaned back in the chair and stared at the ceiling but didn’t see the light. Instead I saw Tana’s face, her smile, and her body moving under mine with sweet abandon. What would I say to her if she told me she hated me? Or if she still cared? Or worse...if she felt nothing at all?

Chapter Twenty-Eight

TANA

I could barely contain the shudder that ripped through me as the guy beside me whispered in my ear. Not because he was saying anything I wanted to hear but because I knew it had been a mistake to come to the party. I couldn’t stand the thought of doing with this guy what he was suggesting.

“I’m sorry, I need to use the bathroom.” I slid away from him and searched the crowd for Shelby. I couldn’t believe she’d ditched me. I didn’t want to walk back across the dark campus alone but I didn’t want to drag Shelby away either. Maybe I’d use the bathroom and then find a corner to stand in until I could locate my roommate.

I passed by the staircase and groaned at the line of girls waiting for the bathroom. The frat house only had two. This one and the one upstairs. I spun around and went up the stairs. Thankfully, there were only two girls in line.

“Tana?”

No.Yes. I was dreaming that I’d heard Ryan’s voice. Hadn’t he been with me in a few rather vivid dreams since I’d seen him last? I’d woken up throbbing and so ready for him, then had cried when I’d realized it was only a dream. I turned slowly, not expecting to come face to face with the guy I thought I’d never see again.

The girl in front of me said loudly enough to her friend for me to overhear, “Oh my God, he’s fucking hot.”

She was right. He was hotter than ever. He wore jeans and a long sleeve light blue button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Some of his tattoos showed. I remembered them. I remembered the ones that weren’t showing. The ones on his chest that I’d kissed as we’d lain locked together our last time. I remembered everything about him. Guess I hadn’t done such a bang up job of letting go or of forgetting.

The girls were staring expectantly at me. I found my voice and said, “What are you doing here?”

His gaze drifted to the girl staring so boldly at him. By the glazed look on her face, I was sure in her mind’s eye she was already rolling around naked with him. I glared at her and she looked away.

“I started school here.”

“You...here? Why?”

“Business management. I’m taking over a garage Abraham bought not far from here.”

“Oh.” What did I think he was going to say? That he’d chosen this school because I was here? Because he couldn’t live his life without me? That he was sorry and loved me?

“Let’s go somewhere and talk.”

“Now you want to talk?” The bathroom door opened and the two girls in front of me went in and started making out before the door ever closed. I slapped the bathroom door and yelled at them. “Could you do that after I use it?” I couldn’t think straight. The shock of seeing Ryan made it hard to concentrate on anything. I needed to get away from him.

“There are some things I should tell you.”

“I can’t do this again.”

“Wait. The thing with Chanos—”

“Stop.” I didn’t want to hear about Chanos. Didn’t want to be reminded of all that had transpired since I’d first met that guy. Of how close I’d come to losing Mom. “After all these months of silence, you think you can just ask me to have a conversation?”

“Silence? I wrote to you every goddamn week as soon as I recovered. I called you. I asked Brooklyn for your new number.”

“Recovered? From what?”

His lips thinned. “I tried to reach you. I was going to tell you about that and a lot of things.”

“I told Brooklyn that I didn’t want to hear from you.”

“That’s still the way that you want it?”

I had to make him leave me alone. I couldn’t stand to be with him again only to lose him all over because he’d push me away. And I was tired of being pushed away. It hurt too much. “Yes, it is. I don’t love you, Ryan. I was wrong to tell you that I did. I mistook sexual feelings for love.” I couldn’t believe how easy it was to lie to him.

He looked like I’d slapped him. Then his face hardened and his beautiful eyes turned icy. “I’m such a fucking idiot. See you around.”

It was better this way. When I stopped loving him, everything would be good. I would be okay then. I would stop crying myself to sleep, stop losing weight and stop calling out for him in the middle of the night. Turning around, I rushed back down the stairs. The walls were closing in on me. I needed air. Shoving through the crowd, I located the front door and pushed it open, nearly knocking over a couple of guys trying to come in.

“You okay?” One of them asked but I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. I ran down the steps and onto the sidewalk, running toward my dorm, pushing my legs to go faster. Reaching the student parking lot, I picked up speed, and everything went by in a blurry haze. The weather chilled the tears on my face, matching the chill in my heart.

*

RYAN

I was in the library the next day when I overheard a douchebag at the table beside mine mention Tana’s name and dancing with her at the party. He bragged about what he hoped to do with her at the next party. She didn’t love me and her life was none of my business but caring about her and trying to protect her wasn’t something I could turn off regardless of how she felt about me. Sliding back my chair, I walked across the carpet and stopped at the table. “Tana Shaw is off limits to you.”

The guy started to rise when his friend slapped a hand on his arm and said, “That’s the guy Lewis was talking about. His roommate, Ryan Collins.” Douchebag swallowed and slumped in his chair. “Sorry.”

Feeling irritated over the encounter, I went back to my seat. Within seconds the table by mine cleared out. I didn’t doubt that my reputation had made the rounds with Douchebag and his friends because Lewis had a big mouth.