“Jarreau, we’re landing, put that shit away,” Lt. Collins says from the seat across from me. I close my journal and stick it in my bag. Fuck, twenty minutes and I can breathe easy again. I’m comin’ for you, baby.

Ember,

I never thought in a million years I would be writing a letter like this to anyone, especially to you. I love you, beautiful. I love you so fucking much it consumes me. I’m sorry I have to leave for so long this time. Just remember I’m doing this to make a better life for us. I know it’s not anything you want to hear, but if something happens to me over there Ember, just know you were the very last thought in my mind. I guess my old man will hear through the grapevine, if he’s sober enough to care. I know I’ll be back to you, baby. I feel it in my bones. I remember the first time I saw those baby blues, and Lord knows it was over for me; it’s always been you. You need to know how much I love you and you need to know that I’m doing this because I want to give you the world. I want to be the man you need. A man who can provide for you and always give you the life that you deserve. I want to serve my country and be a man you can be proud of. I’m sorry I can’t stay. I’m sorry for all the things I am going to miss. Just know that when I’m lying in that bunk, you will be my first thought in the morning and the last thought before I close my eyes. I’ll dream of you and when the world is exploding around me, I’ll close my eyes and think of those blue eyes and you’ll bring me peace. I’ll never stop loving you, Ember, not even when I take my last breath. God, I love you so fucking much. I know when the time comes, I’ll get off that plane, and you’ll be right there waiting. We have our whole lives sweet girl that I can spend worshipping you. I can’t wait to be your husband and be a daddy to our babies. I miss you already, and you’re asleep next to me. Even in your sleep, no conscious thought, you have to be as close as possible to me. Our love is a once in a lifetime love, Em. We will look back on this time and it’ll be a bump in the road. A road that is as old as we are. We’ve grown together and we will grow old together. Never doubt that. I’ll love you forever sweet girl.

-Hale

Chapter 2

January 2012

Ember

I’m half asleep when I hear commotion outside. “Nan?” I say, my voice hoarse with sleep. I throw my legs over the side of the bed, searching for the lamp in the dark. Throwing on an old robe, I walk down stairs, turning on lights to guide my path.

I reach the front door and open it, peeking outside. The last thing I see before my world goes black is two marines in dress blues.

I don’t remember much about the funeral, I just remember the physical pain; it was like my heart being was being ripped out of my chest. The overwhelming feeling of despair. The looks of pity and the sorrow in everyone’s eyes. Small towns are like that; everyone knows everyone. Everyone’s business is everyone’s business... it’s all anyone talked about: Hale Jarreau dying. Fighting so we could be free. He’s brave, courageous, a small town hero.

My mind has been hazy for weeks. The doctor prescribed me medicine for anxiety and sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t function. I’ve questioned my faith, my belief in God. I’ve cried and I’ve screamed at God. I don’t understand how this could happen. I don’t understand what I’ve done to deserve this pain. They say Hale’s daddy was drunk at the funeral. I wanted to scream and beat him with my fists. This is your fault you asshole! Why couldn’t you be a father? Why couldn’t you love that little boy who so desperately needed you? He wouldn’t have felt the need to run from the place he called home! I wanted to blame everyone, including myself. I should’ve done things differently. But that won’t bring him back. Nothing will bring him back.

Everyone keeps saying “It’ll get easier, time heals all wounds.” What a bunch of bullshit. I want to scream, but instead, I smile and nod. Spineless. They say it was an IED, and that he didn’t suffer. Over as quick as it happened. His entire team was taken out and they had to piece everyone back together. When I think about it, I feel sick. It makes me sick to imagine the love of my life that way. I can’t imagine what the world will be like without Hale Jarreau. My world doesn’t exist without him in it. They say there are five stages of grief… it starts with denial.

Ember,

If you’re reading this then you already know what’s happened. I’m so sorry baby. I’m so fucking sorry I couldn’t keep my promises to you. I know you’ll read this curled up with my old sweatshirt and be crying tears that I wish I could be there to dry. God Ember, my heart hurts even writing this letter to you, but I know I have to say this. The day I moved into that house next to yours and saw you playing in the yard, covered in mud, your hair in lopsided pigtails, you changed my life. You didn’t know it then, hell I didn’t either, but from that day forward you were a part of me. I know the days will be hard Ember. I know there will be days that you feel like giving up, but baby, I need you to be strong for me. I need you to live your life. I need you to do it for me, so I can rest easy up here. I’m in a place where there’s no pain and every day I will watch over you. We were the lucky ones, Ember Ann. We may be young, but the love that we share is a love that can’t be lost. Even with my last breath, my love for you will move mountains. I never thought there would be a time where I wasn’t there with you, but life has a way of throwing us things we’re never prepared for. I need you to promise me that you’ll live your life and you’ll do all the things we laid awake under the stars talking about. I want you to know that you were the very best thing in my life. Every moment spent with you was more than I ever could’ve asked for. You’ve brought me more peace and happiness than I ever thought I would see, Em. I want you to know that I don’t regret my decision to be a Marine. I died fighting for people who deserve this freedom. I know it doesn’t seem fair baby and I wish more than anything in this world that I could be there with you right now, but I died being brave. I gave my life for something that meant something. I gave my life so that every day you can wake up and do all the things that make you happy. Listen to me, Ember. You’re going to go to school and you’re going to be a nurse. You’re going to help all those sick babies just like you told me you would. Even when the days seem hard and long, you’re going to get up and know that I’m looking down on you with the biggest smile on my face. On the days that are hard, I want you to think back on all the happy things that we shared. There’s going to come a time where you’ll find someone new and you’ll fall in love and don’t you dare push him away. I know the person that you will fall in love with will be perfect for you. You have so much love to give and I won’t let it die here with me. You’re going to get married and be the most beautiful bride in the world and then you’re going to have little babies that look just like you. You have to do all those things, Ember. You have to do them not just for you, but for me too. I love you. There aren’t enough words to describe how much I love you. There’s never going to be a past tense on that word because I love you just as much up here as I did when I had you in my arms. Be strong and be brave. The sacrifices I’ve made may not seem worth it, but they are Ember. I’ll love you forever and even after.

-Hale