August 2011

I can’t remember the exact moment in time when Hale Jarreau became more than my best friend; or exactly when he became more than just the little boy next door; or even the moment he became my whole life. Just that it happened slowly, not all at once. A slow, all-consuming feeling. The things I do remember are the things I’ll carry with me always. The way it feels to be wrapped in his arms, the sun beating down on us, his smell that is so much him, and the taste of his skin as he moves inside me. I’ve given every part of myself to this man who has had my heart since the moment I saw that moving truck in the driveway.

“Ember, I need to tell you something,” Hale whispers, lost somewhere in his head. We’ve been laying in the backseat of the Camaro for over an hour, just happy to spend a free moment together alone.

“What’s wrong?”

“I waited to tell you, trying to find the perfect time, but it seems like there won’t ever be a good time to tell you,” he pauses, turning me towards him. “I joined the Marines. I leave for bootcamp next week.. in Parris Island. I enlisted a few months back.”

I sit up, scrambling away from him, as far as I could possibly go in the tiny space we’re in. “What? What do you mean, Hale? You’re supposed to start LSU next month! We’ve been talking about this our whole lives,” I scream, my body starting to shake with emotion. “You’re leaving me,” I whisper, as the tears form in my eyes and escape down my cheeks.

“Sweet girl, I’m going to fight for your freedom. I’m going to do this to be a man you’ll be proud of. I can’t stay here with my dad. I can’t live like this any longer. Where do you want me to go, Ember? I have to make a life for us.”

“You can’t do that here with me? You can’t make me proud here? I am proud Hale. I love you. I’m always proud of you,” I’m screaming, the tears are pouring down my face. I taste the salty bite on my tongue.

“Em, stop. Stop crying, please. I can’t take it. I can’t be the cause of those tears. I’ll come home to you baby, I will. I’ll fight my way back to you, no matter where I’m at in this world. You know that!” He yells back, closing in on me, trying to pull me back into his arms. “Ember, I need you to support me. I need you to be here waiting for me when I come back. I need to be able to close my eyes and know you’re here waiting on me to come home,” he whispers.

“I don’t know how to be without you, Hale. I’ll be afraid every day wondering whether you’re dead or alive over there! How could you make this decision without asking me?”

“I need you be strong for me. I need you to be brave. I need you to write me every day, and tell me about home. I need you to be my sweet girl, to give me hope. It wasn’t something I just did on a whim. Ember, I’ve been thinking about it for months! I didn’t know how to tell you. I hate seeing you cry and especially over me! I’m doing this for us.” He pulls me to him, kissing me softly, moving his lips over mine as if I’ll break into a thousand pieces in his arms.

I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know whether to be angry that he’s choosing to leave, scared because only God knows what the future holds, or sad because the love of my short life is leaving me to walk into the gates of Hell.

I can feel his heart beating through his shirt, his muscles tense. He puts his finger under my chin, tilting my head up. “I love you, sweet girl. It’s going to be okay, we’ll make it through this. We have our whole lives together. You’re going to start school and dance will keep your mind busy. You can write me every day, and I’ll write you a letter for everyday I’m away from you,” he whispers against my lips. I feel his fingers wipe the stray tears from my cheek, as I close my eyes and lean into him.

“I have your present you know... I’ve been waiting to give you this since I was 6 years old,” he grins, kissing me on the corner of my lips.

Right there in front of me, Hale Jarreau drops down to one knee and pulls a box out of his pocket. I stand there, eyes wide, my hands shaking as I cover my mouth.

“Ember Ann Dubois, I’ve loved you since we dug out worms together behind Nan’s shop. You were my first friend, my first kiss, my every first there’s been. You’re my angel on earth. Every day you save me. You make my life worth living and I want to grow old with you beside me. Every day, all day, forever. Till my last breath. Will you be my wife?” He opens the box and pulls the ring out. It’s the most perfect thing I’ve ever seen.

“I know it’s not much but I’ve been working on cars after school so I could afford it and...”

I drop to my knees and take his face in my hands, “Hale Michael. Yes. I’ll be your wife.” I can barely get it out, my voice hoarse with emotion.

“We’ll make it, sweet girl. I’ll come home to you and make you my wife. I want tons of babies and Nan already told me she’s not getting any younger,” he laughs.

It seems like something I had been dreaming of for so long and it finally happened. Even in light of him enlisting, it’s like finally the best part of our story is yet to come. It was a way to make it through this nightmare, with hope and excitement for the future.

Four days later, I watch him step on that plane and it feels like he’s taking my heart with him. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this kind of pain in my life. I keep praying over and over for God to return him to me safe. Clutching the letter he handed me, I sit right there on the ground with everyone around me, pull my knees to my chest and rip open the only lifeline he’s left me.

Ember,

I hate leaving you. I hate knowing I’ll be so far from you. I’m sorry that I had to do this, but also so damn excited to make you proud and to start a future with you. Just know that you’ll be in my mind every moment and I’ll wish I was home with you. Dry those tears Sweet Girl. I’ll see you in a few months and we will make up for all the lost time. All of the lost time ; ) I love you so fucking much, baby. Please be strong for me and give Nan all my love. I left the keys to the Camaro on your dresser. Take care of yourself and my other baby for me. Make sure you eat before dance and soak your feet at night, you know that it helps. Every night when you’re dancing on that stage, just know that I’m dreaming of you. It’s only up from here, baby.

Love you forever sweet girl, see you soon.

-Hale

I laugh, drying my tears, folding the letter back up and sliding it into the envelope. Leave it to Hale to make some innuendo when I’m crying my eyes out. He gives me strength when I’m weak. I don’t know all the answers, but I know I’ll love Hale Jarreau until my last breath.

November 2011

Hale

Hale Michael,

I love you. By the time you get this letter, you should be about to step on the plane to come home to me. I can’t wait to see you! Getting in the Camaro now... I know you can’t wait to see both of your sweet girls ;)

Love you baby! Xo Ember

Between getting my ass handed to me every day and not seeing Ember, it has been the longest six months of my life. By eighteen, I've been through more than some people go through in a lifetime. My life has never been easy; it’s been a life full of darkness. Ember is the light in my darkness. She’s my reason for breathing. I fucking love that girl so much, my heart physically aches without her near. I had to do this; I had to figure out some way to get out of the hell I faced every day. If Em had her way, I would live with her and Nan, but I won’t be like my father. I will provide for her and give her and my children a good life.

My commander has recommended me for a mission that leaves next month and I know that I need to go. I need to go for my brothers. I need to know I’m making a difference. I know that the sacrifices I make will all be worth it. I’m proud of the man that I’m becoming. I know Em will be upset, but it’s one deployment down and I’ll be home to her as soon as I possibly can.