It hits me like crashing into a brick wall. I can’t have him leave. I want a forever with him. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I don’t know how. There’s no substitute for him. He will forever be my first choice, the only choice I want.

“Stay,” I whisper so quietly, I doubt that he can hear me. He freezes. He heard me.

“Ads—”

“I know. I know for whatever reason, you think you’re not good enough. You think that you’ll pull me down with you. You’re wrong. God, you’re so wrong. I love you.”

I close the distance between us and stand in front of the man I love, trying for the last time to make him see what I see.

“You brighten my world. You’re the air I need to breathe. I need you. I love you! I just want you. Please, Jax. I know you love me. We can make this work. Jump with me. All you have to do is love me, Jaxon.”

Tears stream heavily down my face with the truth of my words. His eyes shine.

Gently, as if I’m made of glass, he caresses my face. “I can’t, Ads. I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. I would have given anything in the world to hear you tell me you love me once upon a time, but it doesn’t matter anymore, too much has happened. I can’t. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.”

“What do you mean? What’s happened? All that matters is that we love each other.”

“I can’t tell you, not yet. When you’re ready, you’ll see I’m doing us a favor.”

My voice raises. “Tell me! I want to know why you’re giving up on us!”

He remains silent, refusing to tell me the truth once and for all. I push him away from me. Something that I can’t focus on flashes through my eyes. For some reason that tiny flash of black and white brings tears to my eyes. Jax is keeping something important from me. Whatever it is, it’s the reason why he’s ruining us. It’s not just his dysfunctional past and his fear of commitment. There’s something else, something worse.

“You’re keeping something from me! Tell me, I deserve to know what’s driving us apart.”

He remains silent.

“Please,” I beg.

“I can’t force you to remember. One day, you’ll be ready to hear the truth. When that day happens, I’ll be here if you need me, but you won’t. When that day comes, you’ll hate me forever.”

My stomach clenches. Something tears at my mind, but no matter how much I concentrate, I can’t reach it. I rub my temples and will the memory to come forth. It doesn’t. I watch as he leaves my room. It takes a second for me to follow him to my front door. When he opens it, I slam it closed.

“Tell me!”

Without facing me, he asks in a strangled voice, “What were we fighting about six years ago, the day of the accident?”

I want to scream in frustration. He isn’t making sense. He turns to face me, his cheek wet with tears. Whatever I’m repressing is bad.

“What do you remember from that day?” he asks.

“We weren’t fighting. My parents flew you three out for my birthday. You guys met us at my swim meet, surprising me. We had dinner together after.” And then the accident happened.

He shakes his head.

“Tell me what I’m missing.”

“Do you remember what was happening between us before that day?”

My silence is answer enough. For some reason it’s fuzzy and it shouldn’t be. I thought I was only blocking out the accident and the memories of my family. Until now, I had no clue that I was forgetting something major between us. I study him, begging him silently to explain. If he doesn’t, if he chooses to let me live in the void, I will never be able to forgive him.

“We weren’t talking, Ads. We didn’t talk for the three months leading up to the accident. You refused to take my calls.”

I put my hands in my face and weep. “I can’t remember!”

“And I can’t help you.”

My hands fall to their sides. “Why?”

He wipes his face with the back of his hand. “Because you’re not ready.” He reaches behind him and opens the door again. “When you are, you’ll remember.”

“If you leave without telling me the truth, I’ll never speak to you again. You and I will be done.” I step closer so he can see how serious I am. “I will erase you from my memory. Every laugh, every kiss, every touch, will be gone. I will forget everything about us, Jaxon. You’ll be just my brother’s friend. If you leave without telling me why I stopped talking to you, you will be dead to me.”

The tears flow down both our faces. He caresses my cheek. I don’t pull away, I allow myself one last touch from him. His hand falls back to his side.

“You’ll hate me when you remember. Either way I lose you, Ads.”

“If you tell me the truth right now, I promise I won’t hate you,” I vow, desperate for answers.

“You can’t promise that. Just know that no matter how much you despise me when you find out, I’ve hated myself for these last six years, and I’ll never forgive myself for what happened.”

“I’ll remember.”

“I know,” he says before walking out the door.

I sob as I watch him leave. I hate that my mind has betrayed me. I hate that he’s hiding something important from me. My legs give out as I bawl for something that I lost, but can’t remember. I rub my face as I replay every encounter I’ve ever had with him. I promise myself I’ll do this only once; after that I’ll throw away everything of his, anything that reminds me of him. The memories blur. I can’t remember a single thing about Jax in the few months before my seventeenth birthday. It’s as if during that time, Jax didn’t exist, which is a lie. I know it, I can feel it.

What am I forgetting? I couldn’t block out the accident, the images of that night have been burned into my soul, forever haunting me, but I’ve successfully erased an entire chapter out of my life.

What was so traumatizing that I forced myself to forget?

Chapter Thirty

My mind is elsewhere while I hang out with Connor and Logan. The questions are on an endless cycle in my mind. I can’t stop thinking which memories are fake, and which are real. Several times I’ve attempted to ask Logan, but the words wouldn’t come. I have a nagging feeling he wouldn’t tell me anyways if I asked. I feel like they’re all in this together.

“Why so glum? You don’t need to worry.” Connor sits down next to me on Logan’s sofa.

“Huh?”

Without missing a beat, Connor says with a smirk, “I’ll send you a picture of this sexy face every day.” He even goes as far as to point to said face. “So you can cheer up. You won’t go a day without seeing me.”

He’s attempting to lift my mood, but for the first time, it’s not working. I know he’s in on it, too. All these years, they have kept something vital from me. I just wish I knew what. I don’t even know if I have the right to be upset with them. They might have a good reason. No, I push that thought away. I deserve the truth.

When Logan comes up behind us with bags of Thai food, I open my mouth to ask him the question that’s been on my mind since I got here, but nothing comes out. I’ve been here since twelve. It’s now eight. I lost count of how many times I’ve attempted to voice my thoughts.

I force myself to stay calm. I don’t need to get into a fight with them right before they take off. They’ll be back in two weeks. I’ve waited six years to find out the truth to something I don’t even have the questions to, I can wait fourteen more days.

Standing up quicker than I thought was possible, I snatch the bags from my brother and sit back down. I didn’t even get a plate. I ignore Connor’s jab and dig into my food. After shoveling half of my Pad-see-ew into my mouth, I glance up to see my brother and Connor watching me.

“When’s the last time you ate?” Logan asks, voice full of concern.

“Eh . . . This morning?” I hate that it comes out a question. And hate even more that I feel like I can’t trust them. I know they won’t tell me, I need to remember on my own. Their eyes narrow.