“I still don’t understand,” I say quietly into the dark.

“He loved her. He loved her more than anything, more than me. I know he never wanted a child. He despises children, but he gave her one because he wanted to make her happy, but I didn’t make her happy, I made matters worse. He would have given her the world. I know what it’s like to love someone and not be able to have them. It breaks you.” His voice trails off.

I turn my head, looking at his face even though I can’t see anything because we’re surrounded in darkness. I know he’s doing the same.

“He was stuck with a kid that he didn’t want. I remind him of her. I look just like her. I will never forgive him and what he did isn’t right, but on some level I understand.”

A lone tear trails down my face onto his chest. For some godawful reason, I see where Jax is coming from. I understand what Jax is getting at, but that’s as far as it will ever go. I will never comprehend why Wyatt did what he did, and I won’t pretend to understand. Some things in life are never meant to be solved. I learned that the hard way.

“You’re. Not. Him,” I say loud and clear.

When Jax stays silent, I try another approach.

“You don’t have to be broken, Jax. You’re not him. You will never be him. You don’t have it in you. You can’t even hate him!”

I feel like if I can get it through his head that he’s not his father, we can be together. I know this is our make-it-or-break-it point. If Jax doesn’t believe me and believe in himself, he will shatter us. We will never have a chance if he thinks that he’s his father. He will never be with me if he thinks he will hurt me.

“I am him! Don’t you see, Ads? I might not beat little kids, but I’m still fucked up in the head. Look at what I do to you!”

“What?” I ask, wishing that I didn’t once the word leaves my mouth.

“I play with you. Over and over again, I lead you on. I let you get close, just to pull away. I can’t love you the way you want me to. I can’t be loved by you. I’m dark. I can’t bring you down in the darkness with me. I won’t.”

“Jax, I want to be there with you. Where do you think I’ve been since high school? Taking a vacation? I’ve been where you are. Shutting the world out. Thinking I don’t deserve happiness. I know what that feels like. Heck, I’m there most days! If you’re surrounded by darkness, than that’s where I want to be. Let me be your light. We’ll fight it together. We’re better together. Don’t you see that?”

“I am not surrounded by darkness, I am the darkness, Adalynn.” I shiver at his tone. When he speaks again, he’s calmer. “It can’t be like that. You deserve more. You deserve someone better. You deserve him.”

“Kohen?”

“Yes, Kohen. The doctor. You don’t see it, but I do. He’s a new beginning, I’m the one who reminds you of your past. He won’t remind you of what you lost like I do. He makes you smile. He’s given you a reason to live again.”

“You’re wrong!” I whisper.

Neither of us yells. We’re barely talking above a whisper, but I can hear each word as if it was announced through a loudspeaker.

“I’m not. You just don’t see the change in yourself that I do.”

“I gave myself a reason to live again. Not you. Not Kohen. Me! The only people in this world that can take credit for helping me live again are gone! They were taken from me. And you’re just going to walk away from me.”

“I’m here. I’ll always be here for you, Ads. As a friend. That’s all we can be. We can’t be more.” Jax says it so sadly that it breaks my heart even more if that’s possible.

We remain silent. I don’t pull away from Jax, if anything I mold my body closer to his. Wishing that I can melt into him so that I never have to be apart from him. He holds me as tight as he can without hurting me, as if wishing for the same thing.

A lifetime passes in minutes before I ask, “This is it? There’s nothing I can do to change your mind?” I’m desperate for a sign that we can be more.

“Be with Kohen,” Jax whispers.

I can’t even manage to nod. Tears run down my face and I make no move to stop them. I let them fall. I feel them slide from my cheeks onto Jax’s chest. Jax shifts and gently lifts my chin with his thumb and presses his mouth to mine.

I know this is it. This is our last kiss. This is goodbye. After this, we will be over. No more pretending that I’m moving on from him while secretly hoping that we will work it out in the near future. No, none of that. This is it. After tonight, I’ll be moving on. Eventually I’ll be happy. Eventually I will be able to be his friend again.

Slowly I kiss him back. Memorizing every second. The way his tongue feels gliding over mine. The small moan that escapes my lips that he breathes in. It’s a slow kiss that will forever be etched into my soul.

Jax rolls on top of me. He stares into my eyes as he brushes hair out of my face. I watch him memorize my face, knowing he is saying goodbye too, and that he wants to remember everything about right now just as desperately as I do.

I need to see him. “Wait.” I break away from our kiss to turn on my lamp.

“Much better.” Jax drags me back to him and lays over me again.

I smile up at him with tears in my eyes. I would give anything to be with him. To be enough for him. To be the one that will make him truly see what a wonderful person he is, inside and out.

Jax bends and follows the trail of each tear with the whisper of a kiss. He barely presses his warm lips to my skin, and I feel each and every kiss all the way to my toes.

I want to confess my love for him. I want to tell him that I don’t want to love anyone else, that I can’t love anyone else. I want to hear him tell me everything is going to be okay as long as we have each other. I want the big gesture. A piece of me shatters knowing that will never happen. Eventually Kohen will give me the big gesture and someday maybe I’ll love him back.

Another piece of me breaks away.

Forcing all thoughts of tomorrow away, I focus on the man I love hovering over me with love in his eyes. This is how I want to remember us. Together, in love. Nothing else matters. All of the petty fights that led us to this moment don’t exist. Nothing but Jax exists in this moment.

I trace every line of his face with my fingertips, never taking my eyes off his. Jax does the same and bends every few seconds to peppers my face with soft kisses. Intertwining our hands, Jax leans down for the last time and presses his warm lips to mine. He traces my lips with his tongue. Ever so slowly, he really kisses me. The second his tongue touches mine the tears are back again.

I’ll never experience this again. Nobody kisses me like he does. Nobody can make my body feel alive and cherished at the same time like him. There is only one Jax. There is only one true love for everyone and he is mine. Jax squeezes my hand and I squeeze his back. He doesn’t speed up the kiss and neither do I. He kisses me slowly, tenderly.

A little piece of me shatters even more.

No matter how much time passes, I know I will never stop loving Jaxon Chandler. He’s my first love. My one great love. The kind of love they write stories about. And I never had a chance.

I wish that I could keep kissing him for forever. Wishes don’t come true. Time moves too fast. The kiss is over before I want it to be. It was a perfect kiss. A perfect kiss to end our shattered love.

Nine years ago, I kissed the love of my life on my fourteenth birthday. Tonight, we’re ending a long, broken love story with the same perfect kiss. This is the end of us.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Yawning, I snuggle closer into the warm chest behind me. I moan contently when Jax’s strong arms tighten around me and he kisses the back of my neck. I turn into him so that my face is pressed against his chest, head resting on his arm. As I press my lips to his chest, I wish that time would stop. I want to be forever held in this man’s arm. Just like this, in love. Too bad that time doesn’t stand still and that our reality can’t let us be together.