Trying to lighten the suddenly dark mood, he nudges me with his shoulder. I force the morbid thoughts away and concentrate on that night nine years ago. Sitting on my stool, hands covering my face, I try to picture the scene Jax describes, but I come up with a blank.

“It doesn’t make sense,” I say quietly.

“What doesn’t?” Jax asks as he sets a plate down in front of me.

Still talking through my hands I ask, “Why were you with me? You were with Lexi all night.”

Before I know whats happening, he’s pulling my unwilling hands off my face. “What are you talking about?”

Forgetting my humiliation, I admit to him that I know he slept with her. “Lexi . . .That brunette who is super loud, the chick you fucked that night.”

This time his laughter isn’t forced. Awesome. All of anger I felt all those years ago, when Lexi woke me up bragging that she slept with Jax, bubbles to the surface. I knew then what I know now, Jax wasn’t mine and will never be mine.

“It’s not funny!” I snap.

“So that’s why you refused to talk to me for two weeks . . .” Jax chuckles as he tries to fight the smile on his lips. “Even when I came over at night you just handed me the first aid kit and went to bed. All because of that?”

All traces of humor are gone. I wish I was able to block out those two weeks, but I can’t. Those were the worst two weeks of my life, being pissed at Jax and then being pissed at myself for being mad at him. He could sleep with whoever he wanted, I had to remind my fourteen-year-old self. I want to lie to him, but he’ll see through me. I nod.

“I was with you all night,” he says with hands on my thighs.

All I see is honesty in his eyes. Which doesn’t make sense.

“Lexi said you had sex with her.”

“Lexi said a lot of things.”

Yeah, that’s the understatement of the year. I used to think she was so “cool” because she was a junior and wanted to hang out with me all the time. That was before I realized she was only hanging out with me to get closer to Jax. Our friendship ended pretty much the next morning when she confirmed that she slept with him.

“I didn’t sleep with her.”

I roll my eyes at him. He grips my chin so I can’t turn away.

“Not that night. Not any night. I’ve never slept with her.”

“But she said—”

“She said a lot of things, Ads. You know better than anyone that she would lie to anyone willing to listen.”

I nod, knowing the truth. “But she was hanging all over you that night.”

“Yeah, for about five seconds.”

“No.”

“Yes. For a whole five seconds, I decided to see if I could get a reaction from you. Then I stopped because I realized it was pointless.”

He’s lost me. “What?”

“I was a kid. Even back then, I was in love with you. I was trying to make you jealous. I didn’t know . . . I mean, I thought you liked me, but I wasn’t sure at the time. Those two weeks of silence confirmed my suspicion, though.”

I rub my temples. “I’m confused.”

Running his hand through his unruly hair again, Jax sighs loudly. “I thought if I could make you jealous then I would know if you cared about me the way I cared about you . . . I never slept with Lexi or anyone in high school.”

I hate that I don’t want to hear the answer, but I ask anyways. “And college?”

He reaches for my hand, but I jerk away. If he touches me I’ll crumble.

“If you’re asking if I was a virgin when we slept together, the answer is yes.” He caresses my face with his hands. “I didn’t lie to you.”

I suck in a ragged breath. All this time I thought he was lying to me. I never regretted losing my virginity to him even though I thought he was experienced. I’m glad that I was wrong. It doesn’t escape my notice that he uses past tense. I want to ask what he’s lied to me about since then, but I don’t think I’ll want to hear the answer to that, either.

“Do you know who slept with her?” I ask, getting us back on track. I don’t want us to focus on losing our virginity to each other.

“No idea,” he says with a snicker.

“What’s funny?” I ask.

“You refused to talk to me for two weeks. Two long weeks. All because Lexi got laid that night and I took care of you.” He has a smirk on his face that I ignore while digging into my yogurt.

We eat in a comfortable silence. By comfortable, I mean Jax holds my hand while my mind races over and over again. I have no idea when he’s planning on leaving, and as much as I want to keep him here forever—I would even settle for handcuffing him to my bed—I just want him to leave already. Its beyond confusing. The more he stays here with me, touching me, being so sweet, the more I want to convince him to give us a chance. Which of course is beyond idiotic. We’ve been down that road way too many times. At this point, I’ve lost count. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m free.

I’m free of my past.

I’m free of Jax.

If only my heart could get on the same page, I would be golden. Barely managing to finish my yogurt, I push my full plate away from me and stands up. Surprisingly, Jax doesn’t comment. He probably can sense my nerves, making it impossible to eat.

“So . . .” I cringe at how awkward I’m making this.

“So . . .” Jax repeats, all traces of happiness gone.

Unable to face him, I step on the pedal of the trashcan to lift the lid. I clear my plate while I talk. “I should start getting ready . . . I’m supposed to hang out with Logan and Connor before their flight tonight.”

Jax moves behind me to clear his plate, but I sidestep out of his way so we don’t accidentally touch. Lovey-dovey time is over. Reality has come too soon, but now that it’s here, I can’t ignore it. Jax knows how I feel and I know how he feels. Nothing is going to change. Something that I need to remind myself repeatedly so that I don’t throw myself at Jax and beg him to never leave me.

I shouldn’t have to beg someone to be with me. He either wants me, or he doesn’t. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t. Time to move on. A stupid tear slides down my cheek; hastily I wipe it away. After a few deep breaths, I get myself under control.

“Right.”

“Are you gonna be there?” I ask, hoping that he can’t tell how desperately I want him to say yes at the same time I want him to say no.

Jax shakes his head. “We celebrated the other night. No need to be girls about it, they’re only going to be gone for two weeks.”

“Right.” I shuffle my feet, feeling awkward standing in the kitchen in my raggedy pjs with Jax in his shirt from last night and black briefs. It should be illegal to look that good after waking up. I didn’t even get a chance a check my hair in the mirror earlier. I can feel the bird-nests.

“Well . . . I’m just gonna go get changed . . .” Yup, not awkward at all. Points to me.

“Yeah, me too,” Jax says as he follows me out of my kitchen. I have to force myself not to run and lock myself in my bathroom.

As awkwardly as humanly possible, I linger in the doorway and watch Jax dress. It’s a sight that I can never tire of. His abs flex while he bends to retrieve his clothes from the floor. As he slips his legs into his pants, I bite my lip. This would be so much easier if he wasn’t the most beautiful man in the history of the world, inside and out.

“I need you to stop,” Jax says in that deep bedroom voice I love.

“Huh?” I ask, puzzled.

He zips his pants, “It’s taking everything in me to stay over here . . . I’m not strong enough to do nothing when you keep looking at me like that . . . I’m only human.”

Face reddening, I simply manage to squeak out, “Oh.”

All that’s left is his shoes and then he will be gone. He’s leaving. I know eventually we will be friends again, but it won’t be the same. It can never be the same. I was naive to think that we could ever be friends like before. Everything changed the first time he kissed me on my birthday all those years ago. Everything changed forever when he told me he loves me.