“Jayden, man, I’ve got the game ready to go. Leave her alone and let her sleep. She’ll be pissed if you wake her up when you’re drunk.”

I felt the weight shift as he left the bed and then heard his desperate reply from the doorway. “I’m losing her, man.”

“Bullshit,” was the last I heard as the door closed. I couldn’t make out the rest of their conversation. I wanted to go to Jayden, tell him that I wasn’t going anywhere, but I didn’t due to the drunk comment and the fact that he had company—which was rare since his confrontation with Randy. He’d only introduced me to a handful of friends since I’d known him. It seemed that was all he had. He was even more cautious when they came over and refused to leave the room if I was in it. With Jordan, he seemed completely at ease, and so did I. I was glad he trusted him enough to lean on and confide in. It was hard watching him recover from losing one of his oldest friends.

I decided I would make it my mission to bridge the gap between us in the morning. I wanted nothing more than to forget the last couple of weeks and move on. It was time to let go, and my pity party had hurt us both. His lingering kiss comforted me as I drifted back to sleep.

 

 

The next morning I woke before my alarm went off and saw Jayden had already left. Completely disheartened, I made my way to the bathroom to start getting ready. I wasn’t sure if he was avoiding me now altogether. Chest aching, I threw my negligee on the floor and grabbed my toothbrush then paused. Jayden’s iPod was taped to the bathroom mirror with a small note attached that said he’d make things right and he loved me. I pushed play and my heart leapt to my throat as Mirrors by Justin Timberlake rang throughout the bathroom. I stood bared with my arms crossed over my chest as I listened to Jayden’s borrowed words, completely raw as they covered me with hope. By the time the second chorus rang out, I was a blubbering mess. I hit repeat and replayed the song over and over as I showered until my phone rang. I rinsed off quickly and grabbed it right before it went to voicemail, hoping it was Jayden, but it was my mother.

“Mom, I’m in the shower—”

“They took it all. Oh, God he’s gone. He’s gone!” My mother was somewhere between hysterical and sobbing. Realization dawned on me that after several months of careful packing, we had finally arranged for a truck to take my father’s belongings away...this morning.

“Mom, listen to me—”

“I can’t live without him, don’t you understand! I can’t! You all want me to but I can’t. His things were all I had!”

“Mom, I’m on my way, okay? Hang on.” I heard her agonizing sob on the other end before she hung up. In all my years of living, I had never heard her like this. I raced to my bedroom and stuffed some clothes in a small suitcase I’d purchased for my honeymoon. I wasn’t about to leave her side until I knew she was okay. I quickly sent a text to Jayden telling him I needed to be with my mother and I wouldn’t be home.

I raced to my mother’s house to find her on the front porch, her cell phone on the steps beside her. I ran from my car to her as she stood up and hugged her as she sobbed into me.

“I know I’m your Mom, I shouldn’t have done that to you. I’m sorry, honey.” She sniffed as I cried into her arms. “I can’t understand how people move past this. Tell me how people move past this?!”

“I don’t know,” I pulled away and stared at her red-rimmed, brown eyes, ruined by what I saw. She was not the smile ready mother I was used to. She’d held all of this hurt inside her. I felt honored to be there for her, the way she had for me and my siblings my entire life. And at the same time, it broke me that my stoic mother had been so brave all of this time with this deep etched and never-ending hurt hiding beneath.

I guided her into the house and sat her on the couch then went to the kitchen and made us both some sweet tea.

“Thanks,” she said, taking her glass and putting it on the coffee table. “Hilary, I shouldn’t have done that to you. I’ve counted more on you in the last six months than I ever have anyone.”

“Mom, I’m glad you did. I’m glad you called me,” I said, grabbing her hand. “I miss Daddy all the time. I miss him so much.” My voice cracked. “I don’t talk about him because you don’t. I know it seems silly but I think I’ve been waiting on you.” Tears slid down both our faces as I looked around the house.

“That was just stuff, Mom. You know, it didn’t keep him here.”

“I know how stupid it may seem, but I could walk around every day and see something and it would trigger a memory. I wasn’t ready to lose that.” She sniffed as she pulled out a tissue from the box on the table.

“God, Mom, I’m so sorry. I’ll call them right now. I’m sure the truck hasn’t unloaded.” I pulled my cell out of my pocket, but she stilled my hand.

“And then what?” she asked on a sigh. “And then I unpack it all and have more of a reason not to leave this house, not to think about anything other than the fact that he’s gone. No, it was the right thing to do, and honestly, I would have never been ready.” I nodded, noticing a text from Jayden but deciding it could wait until later.

My mother looked at me with all sincerity. “It wasn’t enough. We had so many years together, but it wasn’t enough, Hilary. Almost four decades and I want more, damn it!” She went limp as her sobs consumed her. “Each day is another day away from the time we were together, you know what I mean? I feel like I’m losing him all over again.” I clung to her as she gripped me hard, letting her emotion take over.

I sat with my mother for long hours just listening to her talk about my father. The things he did, the memories they had before children came along. I was completely fascinated. We spent hours on her back porch sipping some concoction that Alexis had left behind as she told me of the days when they first met.

“He was so damn good looking, Jesus, but what got me the most was his smile. I knew when I saw it I wanted it replicated.” She gave me a wink. “So when he asked me out I told him to kiss my ass.”

I spit out my drink as she went on with no reaction to my astonishment, or the liquid that now covered her wicker furniture.

“That man was the biggest ass this side of the Mason-Dixon line. I had never met anyone so arrogant, so damn prideful. I swore he was going to hit me over the head with a club and declare me his Jane.” My mother took a sip of her drink and looked over at me with a smile. “Everyone wanted him and I was no exception, but I knew better than to make myself available.”

“What happened?” I asked, intrigued.

“I started dating someone else,” she said coyly. “I knew he would call my bluff so I made the other guy way too convincing. Your father fought me tooth and nail for months.”

On the edge of my seat, I leaned in. “And then what?”

“I won.” She winked again. “Your father was everything and nothing like the man you knew. Just like I am, parents are people, too, you know. When you kids were born, things changed and we have no regrets, but we were pretty damn crazy back in our day. And don’t ask because I won’t tell. It was the seventies. Use your imagination.”

I laughed as I poured some more concoction out of the pitcher and into our glasses.

“Sometimes I think we had too many kids,” she whispered under her breath. I felt a sharp sting of confusion as she looked up with glossy eyes to read my face. “Not because of what you’re thinking, honey. God, we love you so much ...” She paused as her eyes filled again. “So many more chances to lose you, you know. I haven’t gone to bed one night without praying repeatedly for your safety...times four.”