I called Dr. Sawyer and he insisted that he would come, keeping me on the phone until I was relatively calm. At some point, I called Gerri, who joined me in the waiting room, and must have called my mother because less than an hour after we entered the hospital she was sitting next to me, holding my hand.

“He’ll be okay, sweetheart. He will,” she said, gripping my hand tightly in hers. “Someone needs to call Mallory. Let her know what’s going on,” I asked between a breath and a prayer.

“She’s on her way,” Gerri said, handing me my phone and purse and then gripping me to her tightly. “He’s going to be okay. I know it.” She pulled away from me to look into my eyes with a reassuring nod. And that’s when I broke. All of my frustration, my worry, and everything else I’d kept to myself, came out in a flood while holding Gerri. She pulled me to her tightly as I let out my grief as she reminded me she was my rock. “I love you,” I whispered as she cried with me.

I caught a glimpse of Dr. Sawyer as he strode down the hall towards us and waved him our way.

“We don’t know anything yet,” I said tearfully. Just as he was about to speak, I heard  “Mrs. Monroe?” I met the doctor as he came into the waiting room. He held up his hand, sensing my oncoming barrage of questions.

“He’s having a strong and uncommon response to the lithium he’s ingested and we think it has to do with him being severely dehydrated. The strength of the medication has slowed his motor functions to an alarming rate. It’s not an over dosage, but it’s definitely left him incapacitated for the time being. We are going to keep him tonight to monitor him and will do a complete evaluation once he’s slept most of it off.”

“So he’ll be okay?” I asked, completely floored.

“All of his vitals are fine. We can determine more when he’s fully alert. He said he’s just started the medication.”

“Yes. I’m his therapist. I prescribed it to him,” I heard Dr. Sawyer speak up behind me. “He’s taken it in the past and had a similar reaction, becoming extremely lethargic the first week, but has never responded like this.”

I reeled on Dr. Sawyer in shock. “When did he decide to do this?”

Dr. Sawyer looked at me. “Yesterday.”

“Why?” I shouted at him. “Why did he do this?” But I already knew the answer. I felt my mother’s hands on my back, letting me know she was there. I looked up to the ER doctor as he spoke. “He needs time to flush the amount he’s taken and let it filter through his system. We are pushing it out of him, but it will take a few hours. We will monitor him closely.”

“Can I see him?”

“Of course, but only one person at a time.” I pulled away from my mother’s grasp, leaving everyone behind as I heard my mother introduce herself to Dr. Sawyer. I didn’t have time for pleasantries, and truth be told, I was pissed at the doctor. But only because I refused to direct my frustration toward my husband—a husband who had decided to try again with a medication he hated, for me.

Self-loathing ran a close second to the panic I was still feeling from not being able to rouse Jayden. My body was sore from the tension as I walked into the room where he was sleeping peacefully.

I sat next to him in the chair, watching him closely for any movement. The raw ache in my chest pushed itself to the brink and I burst, laying my head on his bedside as I sobbed my apology.

“You don’t have to be anyone else, Jayden. I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry. I pushed you to do this. You. Are. Enough. Please, baby, be okay, just...just be okay.” I cracked wide open as my need for him poured out of me. “I can’t have summer without the sun, Jayden. I need you. Fight this shit and come back, okay? Please.” I cried until my eyes ran dry, ignoring the nurse who came in and tried to comfort me with soothing words as I repeated to Jayden over and over that I couldn’t have summer without the sun.

“Hey, fishnipple.”

Jayden’s voice woke me as I felt the stiffness in my back scream at me for my sleeping position. I snapped to in my chair and the realization of what happened came back in droves. My eyes shot up to Jayden and I saw he was studying me. His normally strong exterior looked fragile and he was slightly pale.

“I’m okay,” he said before I had a chance to speak. “But you look like shit.”

“Not funny,” I said, diving into his open arms.

“I was sleeping so good until you came in here blubbering,” he said, running his fingers through my hair.

“You heard me?”

“Yes.” I looked up at him as he smirked. “I was hoping for a good bedtime story or some sort of raunchy sexual confession, but of course you were totally boring.”

“Stop joking,” I scolded warmly. “I’ve never been so scared in my life.”

“I know. I heard that, too,” he said, pulling me close. “It happens every time I start the meds. I slept almost two days last time.”

“Why, Jayden? Why would you do that without talking to me?”

“Because I love you. Because I don’t want our life together to stop. Because if taking them meant I got to be your husband longer, it would be worth it.”

Before I got a chance to reply, Jayden pushed me away from him suddenly and leaned over the side of the bed to throw up. I ran to the door as the nurse met me there. “Okay, Mrs. Monroe, you may want to step outside until we can get this cleaned up. I shook my head as Jayden scolded me. “Go, Hil.” When I hesitated, he pushed out again, “Go.”

Reeling, I walked out into the waiting room expecting to find it empty. It was early morning and I assumed everyone had gone home. Mallory and my mother were tearfully chatting and Dr. Sawyer was texting on his phone.

“I’m so sorry. God, I didn’t even come back out to let you see him.” Mallory and my mother looked up at me and were immediately at my side as they took turns hugging me.

“I got to sneak in a bit after you fell asleep,” Mallory piped. “I know you weren’t in your right mind, honey.”

I looked to my mother, who seemed to have aged overnight. “He got sick when he woke up. They kicked me out. They are cleaning him up, but he’s okay.” My mother’s eyes welled up as I reassured her. She had lost her husband suddenly and I could feel her fear for me. “He’s okay, Mom. I’m okay.” After a few minutes of holding her to me, I gave her a mother’s errand.

“Mom, call Gerri and go home and get some sleep. I may need to call you over when Jayden and I get home.” My mother agreed and said her goodbyes to Mallory and Dr. Sawyer. She knew she needed sleep and I knew she needed a reason to get out of that hospital. It hurt me that it might have been too much for her.

“Mallory,” I addressed Jayden’s mother as my own retreated down the hall, “this is my fault. I pushed him too hard. Can you ever forgive me?”

Mallory took a long look at me. “I was the first woman to put him on medication.” She raised a brow at me. “This was an accident and completely unpredictable, and absolutely not your fault. I need you to look at me right now and tell me you believe me.” I looked up at her, not seeing my husband in any feature she had and at the same time feeling Jayden’s natural warmth emanating from her.

“Okay, I’ll try.”

“Good, now I’m going to go peek in on him. I would just love to see them try to kick me out,” she winked. I turned to Dr. Sawyer, who had waited patiently for his turn.

“I too hope you believe her. This was not your fault. It was Jayden’s decision.”

I sat down as the night caught up with me. “I screwed up.”

“And so did he, but not in the way you think he did. He realized he may need help and that’s a good thing. He wanted help to conserve and keep your relationship just as you wanted to and was willing to do whatever it took. There is nothing wrong with asking for help and Jayden had the best of intentions. I don’t want this to deter you from the medications—”