“I don’t want a zombie, I want my husband. No meds, not now, anyway,” I stated firmly. “If he doesn’t want them, I don’t, either.”

“And that’s why he deserves you,” he said gently.

“Thank you for coming, Dr. Sawyer.”

“Call me Darren,” he said with a wink. “Dr. Sawyer is way too formal.”

“Okay,” I said, thumbing my ring.

Darren gave me a once over. “You two are going to be all right. I hope you know that.”

“I know,” I said with certainty.

Darren’s full smile told me he believed me.

 

 

 

A day later, I watched a marathon of shows on TV LAND as Jayden slept. He was still extremely groggy and would only wake for a few hours at a time. I’d thrown out his medications the minute we got home. I was in complete and total agreement with no meds for the time being. I didn’t want to see any more drugged Jayden. I was convinced it would ruin me.

I had no idea how our life together would resume to normal after that scare, but was convinced that at long as Jayden was okay, it didn’t matter. I wasn’t sure if I could forgive myself for pushing him to the point of medicating because he thought he had to be someone else for me, someone better, more in control. No matter how much I was told I wasn’t to blame, I wasn’t sure that was the truth.

What I was sure of was that June and Ward Cleaver lived in a fantasy land of bullshit. They didn’t have real problems. Ricky and Lucy’s marriage was a farce because they didn’t even sleep in the same bed. And I was positive no one had ever heard of ADHD in Mayberry. I threw my box of Jr. Mints at the TV, cursing my long time TV companions as they mocked our world of real problems with issues they could solve in twenty-two minutes or less.

“Can’t sleep a day without you slobbing up the place,” Jayden joked in a dry voice as he joined me in the living room in his boxers with our comforter wrapped around him and his hair a complete disheveled mess.

“Sorry, I think it’s PMS,” I said, standing up to go clean up my mints.

“Leave it, babe. I was kidding,” he said, pulling me into his lap as he sat down.

“Ummm ...Hi, I’m Hilary, have you met my husband?” I smiled up at him. “He’s kind of a neat freak.”

“Trip’s got it,” he said, nodding over to our dog lapping up mints off the floor.

“Dogs are allergic to chocolate,” I said as I pulled out of Jayden’s grip and ran to pick up the rest of the candy. I was forced to pop Trip on the nose as he fought me for them.

When I’d battled him enough to take a majority away, I looked up to see Jayden smiling at me.

“Thirsty? Want some coffee?” He shook his head no as I cued up his iPod, put on some music, and began to light candles. I felt his eyes on me as I straightened the living room in Jayden’s ‘usual’ order, fluffing the pillows and turning them out the way he liked. He watched me get the room back in working order and I turned to him from the kitchen. “Hungry?”

“No, come here,” he ordered, clearly amused at my awareness of the way he ran his ship.

“What?” I asked, taking a seat next to him. He pulled me into his lap and placed his hands on either side of my face. I smiled at him shyly as he looked at me reverently.

“What?”

“You are incredible,” he declared as he ran his thumb over my lip, “and made just for me.”

“I don’t know about that, babe. I took a shot at making the chicken casserole and well...why don’t you reserve judgment until after you’ve tried it?” Jayden chuckled and I joined him. Running his fingers through my hair, he pulled me closer until our lips met. His gentle and needy kiss had my heart soaring.

“This is forever,” he whispered. “No matter how bad we beat the shit out of it. You and me, we are always.”

And in that moment I felt like I got my life back.

His thumbs slowly trailed over my cheeks as he commanded my attention. “I’ve been so busy obsessing that you were leaving, I wasn’t listening. I stared into our closet and saw the suitcase we bought for our honeymoon missing and went straight to the bathroom and took the pills. I just wanted you back. I didn’t give a fuck how it happened.”

“I was helping my mother. I wasn’t leaving. You promised you wouldn’t shut me out,” I said tearfully.

“I was passed out,” he said ruefully. “I’m sorry. In hindsight, it was the dumbest damned thing I’ve ever done. I just didn’t want to lose you.”

“I know why you did it,” I rasped out. “I’m just trying not to YELL AT YOU RIGHT NOW!” Jayden chuckled as my voice hit a high octave before I burst into his chest. “Don’t you ever do anything like that again,” I scolded. “I wouldn’t have survived it, do you hear me!”

“I think everyone on our floor heard you,” he said, looking down at me. “I won’t. I swear. I’ll do whatever it takes, Hilary...sessions with both of us. I want to be your husband, and I’ll never threaten us again.” I clung to him as he whispered to me over and over that I was his sun too, placing feathered kisses on my face and temple as he spoke.

I smiled tearfully up at him as his blue eyes gleamed with nothing but love for me. After a brief pause, he murmured “Thank you” as he looked at me in a way that had my chest aching, but in a good way.

“For what?” I asked, giving him a curious look.

“The possibilities are endless,” he whispered as his lips covered mine.

 

 

 

There is a saying or maybe a song that goes ‘you always hurt the ones you love’. But, to me, the part they left off is that those who survive those hurts may end up thriving together as a result.

You never know how much strength you have until you are forced to push through the impossible. You never know how dirty things can get until you’ve been in the trenches. And you can never imagine how much you can truly love someone until you’ve experienced those hurts together and shared the shovel in digging your way out of the dark.

I would love to tell you my relationship with my husband became easier to maintain, that we fought less, loved more, and didn’t sweat the small stuff, but that wouldn’t be the truth.

No, the truth is a much better story to tell.

And the truth was, we fought our way through the first few years of marriage, but we fought for each other. In hindsight, I look back on those first years as the best and the worst. It was as hard as Darren Sawyer had promised it would be, and still we fought. But we fought together always, with the same goal, and always to take on our common adversary. And with each year that passed us, we celebrated our victory, never losing focus and never letting the hard winter ruin our never-ending summer. I’d learned more about myself in my few years with Jayden than I could have ever had discovered on my own.

On this day, after two years of wedded summer, I looked over at my love as he talked incessantly to my sister, Sabrina, who for the first time in ten years was wearing her own hair. I laughed inwardly at the realization and looked over to Alexis to see if she was doing the same. But her eyes were busy darting between Owen and his adorable daughter.

Alexis and Owen had dated briefly a few years ago when they met at our apartment, but broke up when Owen had insisted he wanted more from Alexis and she’d insisted she had nothing to give. I could see the regret clear in her eyes as she watched his little girl parading through Mallory’s backyard. Alexis looked to me as I gave her a wink and a nod to go and talk to him. She shrugged her shoulders and took a long drink of her ‘special’ tea then made her way over to him.