“Great, so we’re screwed.” I sighed, crossing my legs and shaking my head slowly.

“Are you?” He gave me an inquisitive look. “You seem like a smart girl, so I’m going to give you a choice here. I can give you the text book version or tough love.”

His new tone stunned me and I couldn’t help the nervous laughter that came out. “Give it to me tough, Dr. Sawyer.”

He stood immediately and began to write on a large dry erase board. He kept silent as I watched him write in large red letters.

- SOCIAL CUES

- HYPER FOCUS

- IMPULSE CONTROL

- RESTLESSNESS

- EXPLOSIVE TEMPERAMENT/SUDDEN OUTBURST OF EMOTION

- SOCIAL ANXIETY/FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN

Knowing a few of the terms because of my online reading, I was suddenly excited that I would have a more in depth explanation and not only that, from the man who had watched my husband grow up and had treated him since his diagnosis.

“I can’t thank you enough for this,” I said sincerely. He looked back at me and smiled before giving me a mock scowl. “Don’t thank me yet, this is tough love.”

I scowled back with humor. “Right.” But the truth was, I already felt better. Maybe just talking to someone was all I needed.

“Okay, so let’s start with some of the symptoms of ADHD. Loss of focus, or attention deficit, as aptly named, being the primary.”

“Honestly, it seems like the least of our issues. I’ve never really had a hard time with that. Some days he’s full of energy and can talk for hours without a breath, which can drive me up the wall, but most of the time it’s entertaining. He usually exhausts himself at work to spend himself enough so when he comes home he can sleep or enjoy down time with me. Even then he has to drink a bucket of coffee to be able to slow down. He does seem to have a hard time with remembering details I’ve told him repeatedly. Sometimes I know he couldn’t have possibly heard a word I said. I mean some of it’s a pain in the ass, but it’s not a deal breaker. He shocks me with the things he does remember and every once in a while leaves me stunned with how much he knows about things I don’t have a clue about. He’s extremely intelligent. That’s why it baffles me when he goes to the store and forgets why he was there in the first place and will have to call me to remind him, but it’s never really bothered me much.”

Dr. Sawyer smiled. “And he will continue to call you for the remainder of your marriage. This is one thing I want to make pointedly clear, especially without medication. All of the problems, or things you deem may be issues, including all of the same arguments you are having now, could likely be the very same arguments you will have...indefinitely.”

I sat, stunned. “Pardon?”

“It is very, very, likely that you will have the same arguments for as long as you are married.”

“I mean surely there is something we can do. I can text him a list every time he makes a store run, right? I mean, I can help him navigate in some way.”

“And that’s the way your partner needs you to think. Often times it’s the partner of ADHD’s—in this case your thinking—we must adjust in order to maintain the relationship. If you can deal with the fact that you will need to expect a call every time he goes to run what you think is a ‘simple’ errand, then you have already made progress. By suggesting a solution like simply helping him with a list, you are meeting him halfway.”

“So I need to change my line of thinking?”

“You need to choose your battles, and in a way, yes, your way of thinking. Then again, that is all dependent on what you are thinking. If the words ‘if he would simply change this, or I need him to fix’ are in your vocabulary, your frustration will only increase. What other’s would seem an acceptable number of allowances for their partners errors and inexcusable deeds you will need to multiply times a thousand and then a million and that’s the allowances you will need to endure in an ADHD relationship. Make no mistake, there is a huge difference between recognizing the disorder and putting up with your husband as an adult male. And by learning the signs of what is at play, you can navigate just how to react to any situation.”

I swallowed thickly. “In other words, sometimes he’s just going to be a man and give me shit.”

“Precisely. Cause and effect, knowing is half the battle. The good news is you are dealing with ADHD as a whole. This disorder and symptoms go hand and hand to make up the entirety of their personality. There is no sick ADHD and well ADHD. There is simply ADHD.

“And when you say ADHD, you mean Jayden.”

He continued without hesitation. “The reason for me saying this is because ADHD and bipolar disorder are commonly misdiagnosed, one for the other. Some ADHD behaviors reflect those who suffer from bipolar disorder, but they are two distinctly different disorders. Where bipolar disorder patients often have cyclic emotional highs and lows in episodes that last far longer, are more sporadic and can come on without warning, ADHD patients can experience the same range of emotions in a span of hours and days. Bipolar episodes often last for weeks or months. At any time on any day, depending on what may arise, ADHD patients’ reactions will fit the situation, and no matter the response, it is often short lived. ADHD outbursts are always a direct result of their reaction to the environment.”

I nodded, knowing that was the truth of the matter.

“Social anxiety and emotional outbursts, I’m sure you are familiar. These go hand and hand with what we’ve just discussed.”

I nodded. “I hate them. In all our time together, he’s only had a handful of scary outbursts. But it’s hard for me to get over them. They cut deep.”

“This can be the most detrimental challenge in your relationship. Some partners build up resentment over time, and I’m taking it that’s why you are here.”

“I’m worried one day I won’t be able to let it go.”

“If you want to stay married, and not just stay married but have an actual marriage, you have got to forgive and let go.”

I opened my mouth to speak then closed it.

“I know that’s easier said than done, Hilary. I can’t imagine how hard it must be, but you must see how deeply your partner hurts when remorse sets in. In the unfair world of chemical imbalance, I say indulge and embrace that aspect. Don’t delight in it, but use it as a comfort to you that when your partner’s hurt you, he’s hurt himself. It takes thick skin to be an ADHD partner. How you deal with it day to day, year to year, is entirely up to you.”

I nodded again, knowing the truth of that.

Dr. Sawyer looked at his watch. “Okay, so you may have noticed some of these particulars,” he continued, pointing once again at the board. “Social cues that we would normally take from others, facial expressions, body language, when to shut up, ADHD patients may never pick up on. This also can include saying something inappropriate—”

“Or lying,” I interrupted.

“Or interrupting people with a change in conversation topic.” Dr. Sawyer chuckled as he raised a brow to look back at me. “In what context is the lying being done?”

“I don’t know. Sometimes I’ll catch him exaggerating the truth to make himself look better, or to impress me. Or flat out lying about something I know isn’t true for the same purpose. It makes me feel...a little sick inside. It’s one of my hang ups with this and he sometimes puts me in the position to lie with or for him. And sometimes it seems like he does it to get out of trouble or avoid the truth, altogether. He doesn’t do it all the time.”

“So these lies aren’t harmful?” he questioned.

“Never, not really. It’s just...it makes me uncomfortable.”

“ADHD patients struggle every day to fit in; they struggle every single day for acceptance. It’s not uncommon for people with it to lie about simple things you may find trivial in order to fit in with a conversation. Lying to avoid disappointment is also common. ADHD sufferers don’t want to feel disliked or unwanted in any capacity, so in a way it’s a defense mechanism for him. They want love and acceptance, and not just by you, by the people who are important to you and to them and by complete strangers on the street. All of us want that same acceptance. It’s human nature, but with ADHD they need it even more. ADHD craves acceptance. They may lie to keep from disappointing you or others. It’s a constant struggle. In some cases they may inadvertently lie with every intention of making the statement true and not following through, making a statement a lie. I’m not trying to justify lying or tell you to simply accept it. I’m simply stating the fact for the case of those afflicted.”