“Isn’t that my job?” I looked into his deep blue eyes and beautiful face and made the decision.

I placed my fork beside my plate. “I want to talk about it. Please, Jayden.”

Jayden froze as I continued.

“It’s absolutely ridiculous to think you can shut...Shit.” I started over. “Jayden, I love you. I want to stay married. I want to be with you every day for the rest of my life. But this secrecy with what’s going on inside you has to stop. We have to deal with it together. I know you don’t want me anywhere near this and you think you can deal with this on your own, but it’s affecting me whether you want it to or not. You have got to let me in.”

“I know,” he whispered as he circled the top of his glass with his fingertip.

“Tell me why you don’t take meds.”

He sighed as he looked at me. “Because of the way they make me feel. Like I’m in some cloud that I can’t get out of. I fucking hate it. I was on them for so long, but when I was able to make my own decision, I stopped taking them.”

“So try different meds.”

“I have,” he said with a sigh. “Do you want me to list them in alphabetical order?”

I looked down at my full plate. “No. Okay, no meds.” Looking up at him, I went in. “Why won’t you let me go to your sessions?”

“Because it’s embarrassing for me. We talk about everything from mundane tasks I have to repeat over and over until I get it right to other things I just don’t want you to hear. My thought process is completely different than yours and I’m afraid what you hear will get lost in translation. I love you, but I don’t need to hear your every thought to do that.”

“Okay,” I swallowed. “Was that so hard?”

“Is that all?” he asked, stunned.

“For now,” I said, rounding the table to sit in his lap. Lacing my fingers behind his neck, I pulled him to me. I ran my hands through his hair. “You need a haircut.”

Jayden smiled as he palmed my chest. “I was thinking about growing it out, maybe getting blond highlights and a perm.”

“What the hell? No you aren’t!”

“Well, I mean, I want to be your dream man, baby,” he chuckled as he started humming. Recognizing his tune, realization dawned on me.

“You found my box of NSYNC.” I buried my head in my hands as he began to sing Bye Bye Bye at the top of his lungs while trying not to laugh hysterically.

“You know the words,” I declared sarcastically. “What does that say about you!” With a huff, I made my way to the bedroom and gasped when I opened the door. Every single inch of our room was decorated with my box of memorabilia. He had hung every single poster, pulled out every button, every t-shirt, and created a shrine in our bedroom of Justin Timberlake.

“You ass!” I said as he ran and tackled me onto the bed. His laughter rang loudly as I looked around us, completely embarrassed.

“Well, seems my baby has a closet full of her own secrets. I was searching for my appendage competition and stumbled upon this gem.”

“Your appendage compet—” My eyes widened. “My vibrator? What did you do with JT?!”

Jayden’s eyes got bigger and he let his head fall back as he roared with laughter once I admitted that yes, my vibrator was in fact named after said superstar that was currently surrounding us with eerie, toothy smiles. After a minute of full on, red faced embarrassment, I stared up at my husband who was still shaking his head as his chuckling slowed.

“Let’s just say JT is sleeping with the fishes,” he whispered, pulling on my bottom lip with his teeth.

I lifted my brow. “So you think you can beat his record?”

Jayden stilled my lip between his teeth as he asked around it. “How many?”

“Eight,” I said shamelessly. He let my lip pop out his mouth as he stared down at me.

“Oh, you are on,” he said before crushing his mouth to mine. When he pulled away, ready to make good on the competition, I stilled his busy head. “I love you, Jayden. All of you.”

Sensing my need for him to understand, he looked down at me. “I know.”

Over the next few months, we both stayed busy, me with work and the upcoming launch of Monroe PR. I’d launched myself headfirst into marketing and knew without a shadow of a doubt it was what I wanted to do. Whether or not I would be successful, only time would tell.

After what seemed like an excessive amount of endless workdays Jayden and I shared, we decided to take a weekend off to just be.

Jayden lay in the pool chair next to me, his iPod handy as I rubbed oil over my legs. I looked over to see him watching me intently.

“We just got out here,” I scolded as I read his thoughts.

“I don’t think my dick cares,” he said in a husky voice.

“I’m going to end up pregnant,” I muttered, rolling my eyes.

Jayden’s eyes strayed down to my stomach. He said nothing else as he put his buds in. I felt the small shift in his playful mood as I sat up and pulled his ear buds back out.

“I don’t like what just happened,” I said, giving him an inquisitive look.

“I just don’t think we need that now,” he said, grabbing my hand and squeezing it briefly before letting go.

“Me either, but I don’t like the way you clam up when I talk about having a baby. Like it’s not even a possibility.”

He sat up on his chair and faced me. “So when you want a baby, we’ll talk about it. Until then, let’s...not.”

He leaned over, kissed me, and then lay back on his chair, putting his buds back in. I understood his hesitation. I felt the same way, so I didn’t fight him on it. We weren’t ready.

We spent the weekend wrapped up in each other the way we had the summer before. We spent long hours loving each other and feasting. It was our thing; it was what we did.

And I hoped it would never change.

 

 

Eight months after I became Mrs. Monroe, I reached a breaking point.

I was going through our credit card statement on the couch, readying myself to pay the bills to start my business.

No matter how much I could do on my own, there were a few things I needed and I had been saving for months. It was my last step in launching my new dream.

When I pulled up our online statement, I gasped. Taking several deep breaths, I carefully surveyed the damage to our savings account and then rechecked the balance of our credit card.

Anger shot through me in waves as I realized Jayden had in just one month drained our savings on simple and stupid purchases. I no longer had half of what I needed to start my company.

Livid and reeling, I slammed my laptop shut just as Jayden walked through the door. I didn’t give a damn about reading his mood. I didn’t give a damn about how best to broach him; I launched into a full blown attack.

“What the hell have you done?!” I confronted him as he looked at me in surprise before spouting off.

“What a greeting. Should we try this again?” he snapped as he attempted to walk past me.

“Hell no, you will talk to me right now,” I demanded, planting myself in front of him.

“Hilary, give me ten minutes,” he said, pushing me gently aside.

“You spent everything I was saving, and some of the house fund! What the hell were you thinking?”

“I was thinking we needed shit and so I charged it. You aren’t exactly innocent with your closet full of new clothes,” he countered as I jumped in front of him again.

“I spent a hundred, you spent almost a thousand! I don’t have enough money to launch! It will take me months to save!”

Jayden looked at me pensively before his jaw set in a hard line. “I’ll make it up. I’ll make it happen.”