had he said it, that it’s not that important, that love is wonderful between them no matter what form it
takes.
“After your first time, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. It
was all you and what you had given me. Until the gaffer called, I was hoping you had liked it enough
to let me do it again. After that call, being able to touch you at all took up all of my ambitions.”
Daniël kisses Steve with a tenderness bordering on aggression. “You could say certain thoughts are
firmly back in my head now.”
“I like them being there, in your head. I want to be strong enough to be able to stay on my
knees for longer than three minutes without pain. I want to be strong enough to fuck you with you
facing me and your legs wrapped around me, or you doing me from behind. I want to have you on top
of me, full weight and all, and not panic.”
“And most of it isn’t even about sex.”
“No, I guess it isn’t.” Steve sighs when Daniël wraps him in his arms.
Then they talk further, because even if kisses are the best language, they still want to talk about
everything ahead of them. Having a future, being able to express what they would like and want is still
so shiny and new, and how could they not want to put that into words? Even the hard and scary things
are not to be avoided, because it means they are giving themselves at least a chance to do the things
that frighten them, instead of avoiding the risk.
“I can’t help but want to keep you hidden from the world,” Daniël says, “And I’m afraid it
won’t be the last time I’m telling you this. The world is no longer a safe place and I don’t know how
to make it right again.
“I can’t help but want to hide,” Steve says, “but I’m not going to. Just like I know you have to
be out a lot from tomorrow on. I want to try and be with you as often as I can, but I’m afraid my days
won’t be half as efficient and I’m definitely not as full of energy as you are.”
“We’ll work around it. I took the liberty of talking it over with the manager and he says it’s
fine that when I do the training, you use the physio and the exercise room. And that includes any help
if you need it. That is, if being at the Graces doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable.” Daniël looks
slightly nervous; like he isn’t sure he should have done what he has done.
“That’s very thoughtful of you and the club. This way I can be close by to you while working
my own programme.” Steve nestles even more tightly into Daniël’s arms. “I don’t know how I’m
going to feel when I’m there.”
Daniël nuzzles Steve’s hair. “And I don’t know how I’m going to feel with you being there and
not being there. Beside myself with happiness because all the while I’m training, I can be with you in
two minutes; frustrated because you’re not training with us.”
“I might have been sold off anyway; I already did get less playing minutes the last couple of
matches than during the season before ...” It’s a stupid thing to say because it doesn’t matter what
would have happened, and Daniël is right for closing Steve’s mouth with his own.
“Time for food. Doctor’s orders, remember? Eat a little something every few hours. And I
promised a few people I’d give them a quick call to tell them that everything is fine.” Daniël stretches
his tall, very relaxed body and yawns like an overgrown kitten.
“Simply watching you makes me the happiest man in the world.” Steve knows there was a time
he would have thought it but the words wouldn’t have left his mouth. Not so any more.
Daniël turns on his side again, his head resting on his arm. “Sometimes I look at you and I
have to quickly look away because it feels like my heart could burst and my body ...” He shrugs and
sits upright. “Not even sure what I’m talking about.”
“I think you do,” Steve says quietly.
“I can’t stop touching you. I want to make love to you practically all of the time. I couldn’t
care less if there’s a match on TV or a nice movie. I don’t want to update my online journal. I don’t
even want to phone mum and dad, or have a good giggle with Naomi. Just feeling you, just that, like
we are nothing but skin and mouth and hands and cock and arse. Just that.” Daniël moves his hands as
if trying to get a hold on his own confusion. “Last year I wouldn’t have told you this. I didn’t need to.
Now it’s words and more words …”
“Thank you. It can’t be like before, perhaps never, but thank you for telling me with words
what you would have shown me with your body.” Steve kisses him, consciously pushing the sadness
aside. “I’m sure in a few months we’ll be watching Match of the Day together and after that we’ll go
to bed to sleep. And only to sleep.”
“You mean because we already had sex before dinner?” Daniël grins, gets up from the bed and
starts to fetch his clothes. “I’m starving. What about a steak and whatever else I can find in the
fridge?”
“Nice. And I already know what’s for dessert.”
“I bet you do.” Daniël stretches his hand out. “Come on, we’ll run a wet cloth over our faces,
wash our hands and raid the kitchen.”
Even taking their time, out of necessity and because they’re really not in a hurry, it’s no longer
than half an hour before they sit at the table, enjoying a simple but tasty meal. After they have
finished and the dishes are in the dishwasher, Daniël, as promised, phones his parents and then
Degaré.
Finally he calls Matthew. “It’s been great. You guys are the best. We really needed a bit of
alone time. To be honest, I’m scared to think about the coming weeks and months, too. We’ll manage
somehow, after all we’ve gone through, Steve and I and all of you ...”
After Daniël ends the final call, he turns to Steve and says, “They asked how you’re doing, the
first days home. But it hasn’t even started, has it?” Daniël takes Steve’s hand and holds it for a while
before he gets up to make coffee.
“Even if we both know we have to face the world again, this is still important, us here, being
together, without others. We needed this more than anything and they made it possible.” Steve keeps
talking, while he walks with Daniël to the kitchen, trying to see if he can manage the short distance
with one crutch. It’s feasible, but he’s still a long way from being able to walk through his own home
without needing any support.
“Don’t I know it. They did all the grocery shopping for us and even put it away in the fridge
and cupboards. They somehow managed to keep the press away from us. By the way, we have to talk
about that and make a few decisions.”
Steve leans against the sink, watching Danny make coffee, letting him talk. He knows some
seriously difficult times will be waiting for them but at this very moment he’s happy and fulfilled.
“The press,” Daniël starts once they are comfortable on the couch, “can’t be ignored. What
happened to you, to us, stopped being private right from the moment that man tried to feel you up
because he recognised you. No, it started even before that. I told you the club have hired two people
just to deal with the stream of letters, mails, gossip, anything having to do with us, haven’t I? I’ve
seen a fraction of it. It’s both far better and far worse than we could have imagined when we fell in
love. And it’s not just here in England, it’s in Holland and Ireland, but also in every country with any
kind of football culture. All over the world, there are items in sport shows and news shows and god
knows what shows. Every dog and its owner have an opinion about us. It looked like it died down a bit,