When Daniël licks the very last drop of come from Steve’s spent cock, and Steve slowly,
longingly, retracts the two fingers from Daniël’s opening, and when they have cleaned themselves
provisionally with a damp cloth, finding rest and safety in each other’s arms, both men smile and
know they are ready to face the world again.
Chapter 21
In the warm embrace of a still half-asleep Daniël, the shy light of early morning gradually
gaining strength, Steve whispers, “Remember what you asked last night?”
A lazy kiss on his forehead. “What, sweetheart? What do you want me to remember?”
“You asked if you could be on top of me for a moment.”
Daniël looks very much awake now, and more than a little alarmed.
“Would you do this for me? Please? At this moment I need feeling your strength more than I
fear the monsters in my head. Than realising how defenceless I am.” He hides his face against the
crook of Daniël’s neck. “I want to feel I can face other people again, but I’m still so scared.”
Daniël doesn’t say a word but just holds him a bit tighter.
“Thank you for not saying I’m able to defend myself or that you would never let me come to
harm ever again. I know, like I know few other things, you would have died defending me in that park,
and it still won’t change the truth.”
“But then you would at least have had someone fighting beside you.” Daniël presses his lips
against Steve’s forehead. “How can I live knowing you were dying alone?”
“I wasn’t alone. I was never in doubt about your love, no matter what foul language they used.”
Steve looks at Daniël. “And still the monsters are there. And the knowledge of how empty-handed we
sometimes feel is there. Hush, boy, without you I wouldn’t even be able to talk about facing the
monsters.”
He turns on his back, taking Daniël with him. Fully aware he’s only able to do that because his
lover doesn’t resist him. His tall body is now covering him, though with most of its weight not resting
on him.
“You’re shivering,” Daniël whispers.
“We both are.”
Steve looks at Daniël’s dear face and Daniël never averts his eyes from Steve. They stay as
they are for a while. Not talking, not moving. Not even kissing. Just being there: together.
“I think I’m ready to start the day,” Steve finally says.
“Then I’m ready too.” Dan kisses him as a way to say thank you and gets up.
Steve feels strangely calm while they get through what is fast becoming a treasured routine of
taking a shower, brushing teeth, shaving, getting dressed, preparing and eating breakfast.
Of course, he notices Dan’s almost erection when the boy’s taking a shower and feels excited
by it, although he doesn’t know how to initiate any kind of sex at the moment.
“When I get near you, I get hard.” Daniël continues to wash.
“If you want to ...”
“Would you like me to?”
“Yes, please.”
This time Daniël doesn’t close his eyes, isn’t transported back to the hospital shower,
frustrated and angry. He looks at Steve, nothing but happiness on his face. The blush spreading over
part of his body is clearly from excitement, not shyness.
“You look so … I’m not sure what word to use, alive I guess. It does you good, being out of the
hospital.” Steve sits on the stool, no longer able to stand without discomfort. “You’re the most
beautiful thing in my life. Second to none.”
“I am?” There’s nothing feigned in Daniël’s question.
“Utterly. And before you start, I am aware of your imperfections. In fact, I’ve kissed them so
often I know every single one of them by heart.”
“And my cock, you like my cock too?” Daniël moves his hand up and down, covering the head
with the foreskin, then baring it again.
“Like it so much. I like looking at it and touching it and smelling it and taking it in my mouth
to taste it ...”
Little puffs of air are leaving Daniël’s lips while he thrusts into his own hand.
“I remember how you felt inside me. How your cock felt inside me. But most of all, I
remember your eyes. And when I walked through the city, I knew I had to see that look in your eyes
again. You want me as much as I want you?”
“Oh yes, fuck yes ...”
Yes to all and everything, Steve thinks and he knows Daniël thinks it as well, even when
Daniël is no longer able to make any sound except for the soft moan announcing his almost silent
pleasure. As soon as his lover stumbles from the shower cabin, Steve gets up and catches him in his
arms, appreciative that Daniël doesn’t actually lean his full weight on him.
“You manage to have sex with me without even touching me.” Daniël leans into Steve, kissing
him. “Can’t wait till tonight.”
“Even if it would mean me falling asleep because I’m so tired?”
“You would fall asleep in my arms. You bet I can’t wait for that. But first, there’s a whole day
ahead of us. We could do with a bit of food. And coffee. I need coffee.”
“Makes you sleepy, huh, getting off?” Steve smiles while he watches Dan getting dressed.
“Wouldn’t mind going back to bed, cuddling up against you, sleep a bit, have sex again...But
I’ll be a good boy. So, coffee it is.”
And it is coffee and toast and Daniël with a pen in his hand, a note pad before him.
But Steve’s not quite ready to make lists and decide priorities.
“I remember how much I loved it, having you on top of me. So much of you, covering all of
me. You doing whatever you felt like when we were alone, because you knew I could take it all.
Because I wanted it as much as you did. I want it back.”
Daniël puts the pen down to take Steve’s hand.“You were shivering under me, but you didn’t
panic and you didn’t push me away.”
“I’m not pushing you away.” Steve chuckles. “I do sound indignant, don’t I?”
“A bit. I could see it when I looked into your eyes, how much more you love me than you fear
the monsters. And you fear them so much.”
“They’re as human as you and me, the ones attacking me and the ones running away to save
themselves, not even stopping to see what was happening, not realising it until they saw it on the
news. And I have to make peace with knowing what they are. Because I don’t want them looming over
our marriage.” Steve shrugs. “Time will take care of that.”
“Does it help, me saying how much I love you?”
“I know you love me, even if you would never tell me again in so many words. I don’t think it,
or hope it, or believe it, I know it. But, yeah, I love hearing it.”
Daniël smiles, takes the pen in his hand, writes something in bold, strong letters.
“Read this.”
The basics of reading have been mastered; the automatic skill is still a long way off. And he
wants to read it, not give a, most likely correct, guess.
“DANIËL ...
“LOVES ...
“STEVE ...”
Daniël carefully folds the piece of paper. “Keep it with you. And if it wears out and tears, I’ll
make another one.”
The next half hour is spent with deciding what needs to be done first, what can be delegated,
what’s for them both to do, what’s for Daniël, what’s for Steve and how to prevent themselves from
drowning.
“I’ll start making a few calls; going to ask a housing agent to make a short-list of houses that
are suitable for us. Degaré invited us for training after lunch. Just saying hi to the guys, more like. We
both start regular training later this week. Your hospital visit isn’t for another month or so, so that’s
off the list for now. And we have to get a few things like fresh bread, something for tea. Most
importantly, I think we should make some decisions about our wedding sometime this week: an