The terminology of death is also tricky with zombies. If a zombie is already dead, how can you kill it again? Although the zombie is a person who has died, has the process of zombification actually brought the person back to life? In that case, zombies could certainly be killed for a second time. However, we often define death as occurring when the heart stops, and zombies’ circulatory systems are clearly not functional, as illustrated by their relative immunity to being shot anywhere but in the head.

If zombies are still dead, then it seems wrong to speak of killing them, but until popular culture invents a new word, it’ll have to do. In this book, I am going to use the phrase killing zombies—while possibly inaccurate, it is not ambiguous.

HOW LONG WILL THE ZOMBIES BE AROUND?

Just how long could a zombie apocalypse last before the zombies disappear? This depends, of course, on the rate at which new zombies are created and the rate of zombie death. The curves for human and zombie populations can be plotted along a horizontal axis that shows the passage of time and a vertical axis that shows the population in billions (Figure 1-2).

Figure 1-2: Human/zombie population curves over time

As the outbreak starts, the human population will plummet as the zombie population increases rapidly due to zombification. However, since many humans will be eaten rather than turned, the zombie population will not reach the preapocalypse human level. How much it rises will depend on the zombified-to-eaten ratio, as well as death rates for both zombies and humans.

After reaching a peak, the zombie population will then start to decline. That’s because as the human population declines, the surviving humans will be those best equipped to survive. (Perhaps they read this book!) The human population will also become more spread out, making it harder for zombies to find people. Eventually, the population of humans will stabilize at a low level.

Zombies, on the other hand, are unlikely to survive well over the long run. Judging by their hunger for human flesh, they need to eat to survive, although just how this works without a fully functioning digestive system is a mystery. In any case, since they don’t photosynthesize, their energy must come from somewhere, and human flesh is the most likely source. But as humans learn to survive, the zombie population will struggle to find food. And since zombies are essentially slow-moving piles of rotting flesh, they’re a carrion eater’s equivalent of a takeout dinner. If we added population curves to the graph for crows, foxes, wild dogs, and other such animals, we would probably find a massive spike in their populations as they cleaned up the mess in pretty short order. Thus, humans who fight back and plenty of natural predators will put downward pressure on the zombie population.

It also seems extremely unlikely that zombies will breed (something that really doesn’t bear thinking about). Therefore, after a while all the zombies will be gone, and humans, who will breed, will start to rebuild civilization.

So, this is your chance. Being in possession of this book should seriously increase your chances of surviving and, hence, reproducing!

POSTAPOCALYPSE SURVIVAL 101

Aside from the emotional tension of the zombie threat, one of the most interesting ideas explored in many zombie films is how the human survivors of a zombie apocalypse will cope.

When the zombie apocalypse comes, you’ll need to be prepared. This book will serve as your survival guide.

HOME

Where you live will be critical to your chances of survival. Most suburban homes will not survive an attack from a determined group of zombies intent on chowing down. If you’re in such a location, you should probably find a new base pretty early on.

Make sure your new home is easy to defend. Many consider a boat the best place to live (zombies are really bad at swimming!), but this isn’t practical if you live a long way from open water. Also, living on a boat presents its own difficulties, including storms and a constant need for fuel unless it’s under sail. You will also have to venture onto land to stock up on supplies, but supply runs will be necessary no matter where you live.

A boat is advantageous because it opens up the possibility of finding a zombie-free island where a community could be established. This is definitely an option to work toward. In fact, assuming you survive the first few days, working your way toward the coast or the shore of a large lake in a series of hops is probably a wise strategy. A long drive could, in theory, take you from anywhere in the country to the coast, but in all likelihood, the roads will be jammed with abandoned cars following desperate attempts to avoid the contagion. So, travel is likely to be slow and dangerous, menaced by the everpresent zombies and possibly other survivors.

If you live somewhere where it gets cold in winter, then you might want to consider getting somewhere warmer. Cold weather means that you’ll need to consume more calories and find some shelter with heating that isn’t too drafty. The only likely way to heat your abode is by burning wood, which you’ll have to go out and gather. On the other hand, an ax is an effective weapon for decapitating zombies.

If you know how to fly a light aircraft, then this is a great way to avoid both zombies and ground obstacles. You may find that your destination airstrip is not clear, and many fields will revert to scrubland without human cultivation, so take some exploratory trips before you commit yourself to soaring past the point of no return.

WATER

The survival expert Cody Lundin has something called the Rule of Threes. This can be paraphrased as follows:

• You can live 3 minutes without air.

• You can live 3 hours without shelter (in extreme temperatures).

• You can live 3 days without water.

• You can live 3 weeks without food.

Air shouldn’t be a problem and, assuming that the apocalypse takes place during a clement patch of weather, neither should shelter. So apart from avoiding being eaten, your main priority has to be finding potable water and other things to drink. The public water supply is unlikely to keep going if the pumps that pressurize it lose power. Therefore, if possible, find a location with its own well or other freshwater reservoir. Bottled and canned drinks should also be in great supply, as there won’t be many people putting their change into vending machines.

FOOD AND FUEL

Farming can take years to become well established enough to feed a small group of people, so growing your own organic veggies is a goal for the future, when it’s time to rebuild society. With fewer people around, however, there will be plenty of canned food to find—enough to last almost indefinitely. Scavenge cans of food and other nonperishable edibles from homes and supermarkets.

The projects in this book concentrate on electricity. Not just any electricity but electricity stored in batteries. This is fine for lighting, alarms, and communications, but when it comes to heating and cooking, it is not feasible to use electricity without a serious solar panel array and some heavy-duty equipment. When you’re in the mood for hot food then, gas-powered heaters and camp stoves are much more realistic alternatives. Be sure to use them safely!

A barbecue grill is another option for cooking your food and will happily burn charcoal or wood.

ZOMBIE KILLING

By far the best strategy when dealing with zombies is to avoid attracting their attention whenever possible. Try to be quiet and move stealthily as you scout new places, and avoid going anywhere where you might get trapped, including buildings or rooms with only one door as well as blind alleys.