“Heaven is a great place if you’re dead,” I said. “But I’ve got too much living still to do. I’d be happy to go back.”

“I had a feeling you’d say that,” said God. “Well, if there’s anything else I can do for you . . . ?”

“There is one thing, but it’s not for me. Jessie’s been a great help to me during this case. I don’t know what she did in her life that caused her to be sent down to Hell, but I think she’s suffered enough. Can’t you see it in your heart to let her remain in Heaven?”

God frowned. “I’m really sorry. I’d love to be able to do something about it. From the moment Jessie snuck into Heaven, I’ve never had a problem with her being here.”

“You mean you knew about Jessie too?”

“Of course I did, and I was happy to let her stay—”

“So if you were happy to let her to stay then, why can’t she stay now?”

“You didn’t let me finish. I was happy to let her to stay as long as nobody else knew. I liked Jessie a lot. She was a breath of fresh air around here. But as soon as she was discovered, I had no choice but to expel her. After all, I made the rules. If I don’t follow them, nobody will.”

“But you could fiddle with them for me. Can’t you fiddle with them for her?”

“It’s not as simple as that. With you, I’m fiddling with them so you can leave Heaven. With her, I’d be fiddling with them to let her in. Do you see the problem now, or do I have to spell it out for you?”

“I can see the problem. It starts with ‘S’ and ends in ‘l-l-y’.”

“Precisely. I’m sorry, Mr Clarenden, but that’s the way it’s meant to be. When the time is right and she’s completed her penance, she’ll be allowed back in Heaven, but not one day before.”

“So there’s nothing you can do.”

“I’m afraid not. But come, the time is nigh for your return to the land of the living. Can I offer something for the road?” God reached into His robe and pulled out . . . a stick of chewing gum.

“I got these from Peter,” He said. “About time I kicked the habit for good.”

“No, thank you,” I said, and I couldn’t help smiling. Little did God know, this wasn’t the first time He’d been saved by chewing gum.

God looked at me and winked.

Who was I kidding? Of course He knew.

* * *

I found Jessie sitting just outside the palace doors. She didn’t acknowledge me as I walked down the steps and sat beside her.

“Something on your mind, Angel?” I said.

“Why did you bring me back up?” she said without looking at me. “You knew I didn’t have anything to do with this. Couldn’t you have left me to bear my shame in peace?”

“I brought you up because there’s something I need to do. I should have done it back in Hell, but I didn’t have the guts. I want to say good-bye. I’m going to miss you, Angel.”

She turned to me. “Do you really mean that, Jimmy?”

“More than an artist means to paint a masterpiece. More than a diva means to bring down the house. As long as I’ve lived, I’ve never meant anything more. I could never have solved this case without you, Angel. You’ve helped me understand what Heaven and Hell really mean.” As I looked into her eyes, I could see tears beginning to form. “But don’t get all mushy on me now,” I added. “There’s no telling what I might say.”

Jessie looked away. I followed her gaze until it rested on the large mansion dimly visible at the top of the hill.

“It seems so unfair,” she said. “We have to leave Heaven while she gets to stay up here, living the life of luxury.”

“But that’s the way it’s always been. Since the dawn of time, people like us have had to put up with people like her. We’re down at the bottom doing it hard, while they’re up at the top reaping the rewards. But I’ll tell you something. You may think we’ve lost and she’s won, but I’m not so sure you’re right. In some ways, she’s lost more than you could imagine, but what we had together nobody will ever be able to take away.”

“Maybe you’re right. It just seems so hard to take.” She looked at me again, her eyes wide and inviting. “Kiss me, Jimmy. Kiss me one more time.”

We kissed. How long, I couldn’t tell. It seemed like an eternity, and yet it seemed like no time at all. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Gabriel.

“I’m afraid it is time for Miss Jessie to be leaving.”

We both stood up.

“I guess this is it,” she said. “You’re going back to life and I’m going back to Hell. It must be an amazing thing to resume your life after finding out about Heaven and Hell. I’ll bet it will change everything for you.”

“Maybe it will and maybe it won’t,” I replied. “I can see that maybe there’s a bunch of things I can do much better the second time around. But I’m still going to live my life my way. I’m going to follow my rules, and keep my nose out of other people’s business. Unless I’m paid to stick my nose in, of course.”

She laughed. “Of course. Well, Jimmy, I guess this is good-bye.”

“Yeah. I guess I’ll see you later.”

I watched as Gabriel led her away. Maybe I would see her again. Maybe I wouldn’t. I had no idea. As they disappeared into the distance, I could feel my eyes getting wet. I must have been looking into the sun.

Now it was my turn to leave. As I headed back towards the Pearly Gates, I took one last look at what I was leaving behind. It didn’t seem like much. No great paradise. No eternal reward. You lived your life and then you came up here. There were no fairy-tale happy endings. This was all there was.

Then I heard music. It was the musicians I’d seen on the street in Hell. They’d obviously completed their penance and been allowed into Heaven. The music still sounded great, but this time a crowd stood around them. Most were swaying to the rhythm, and a couple had even begun to dance. That’s when I realised I was wrong. There were some happy endings after all.

At that moment, Peter came out. He led me back through the Pearly Gates, avoiding the enormous queue that had only just started to be processed again.

“It was a privilege to be on the case with you, Jimmy,” he said.

“The pleasure was all mine,” I replied. “I expect that the next time I’m up here, you’ll have that book finished.”

“Can’t promise, but I’ll do my best.”

He offered his hand and I shook it. Then I turned and began walking across the broad bank of cloudy fluff, away from the Gates. I was on my way back. Back to the world of creative accountants and political spin. Back to the world of super-sized meals and designer drugs. Back to the world of celebrity gossip and quickie divorces. I couldn’t wait.

At the edge of the cloudy fuzz, I took a deep breath and stepped off. Straightaway, I found myself back in the void, but this time I was floating away from the light. I had to shield my eyes from the darkness around me. After all that time in Heaven, I’d gotten used to the light.

Then I was falling. Everything turned black, and all I knew was pain. I opened my eyes. I was lying in a hospital bed. A familiar figure loomed over me—Detective Clyde Harris, a policeman, but a man of honour just the same.

“Welcome back,” he said.

“What happened?” I croaked.

“You don’t remember? You stiffed Bully Malone, but not before he pumped about twenty rounds into you. For a while there, we thought we’d lost you. You’ve been unconscious for five days.”

I tried to sit up, but Clyde pushed me back down.

“Easy now.”

“Clyde, you’ll never believe the dream I’ve just had—”

“You want to hear something unbelievable? Last night, we had a freak thunderstorm. Three bolts of lightning hit the Bostino house and burnt it to the ground. Fried the whole family. Not one Bostino left standing.”

I accepted this information without blinking. After all, a private investigator had to be prepared for all eventualities.

“I can’t take full credit,” I said. “I did have a little help from God.”