“And you expect those names to mean something to us?” said Sally, forcing her eyes up to lock with mine.

“If they don’t, they will very soon. The Bostino family is only one of the cruelest, vilest, evilest criminal families in the entire history of organised crime. And Billy, Freddy, and Franky just happen to be three of the cruelest, vilest, evilest members of that family. Their appearances fit the descriptions I was given by a former employee of the family. He claimed that all three were murdered over trivialities, but let me assure you, when you’re dealing with the Bostino family, nothing is trivial.”

I paused for a moment, hoping the silence would allow my words to make an impression. Almost immediately, it was broken by Sally’s laughter.

“Do you really think you can scare us with these threats of yours? No dice, Clarenden. We’re not afraid of a handful of former thugs. No amount of name-dropping is going to hide the fact that you’re a sniveling half-wit with the deductive skills of a brain-damaged centipede. I move that we halt this ridiculous charade and find something useful for this imbecile to do.”

“Perhaps he could start on giving Heaven the clean-up it so desperately needs,” suggested the Devil. He too tried to laugh, but he sounded as convincing as an ex-politician plugging weight loss formula on late night television.

“No,” said God, and His voice rang with sudden clarity. All laughter stopped as everyone in the hall turned to Him. “I hired Mr Clarenden to do a job for me, and I’m going to make damn sure he sees it through.”

“You hired him?” Sally gasped. “But why?”

“I hired Mr Clarenden to search for my missing son.”

“Jesus?” said both Sally and the Devil.

“No,” said God. “Not Jesus. My other son. My indispensable Philip, without whom I could not possibly keep Heaven operational, as any look outside this palace will confirm. So I suggest that the two of you zip your lips and allow Mr Clarenden to explain exactly who we are up against and what their evil plans are.”

It seemed that disagreement with God in the Heavenly Council was not an option. Neither Sally nor the Devil seemed thrilled at the idea of hearing me out, but they both nodded and turned to me. Their mouths were sealed tight. The floor was mine.

“Let me tell you about the Bostino family,” I began. “Their souls are black, but their plots are cunning. Their criminal web is so deep and tangled, it cast a shadow that not even God could see through. And so, safely hidden within that web of darkness, they’ve been plotting the ultimate takeover. A city is no longer enough. A country, even a planet, is not enough. Billy, Freddy, and Franky are just the advance troops, sent to their deaths with a specific mission. The Bostino family is moving in on Heaven.”

Sally started to open her mouth, but a look from God hastily discouraged her from making any further contribution to the conversation. I continued.

“Their plans started small—a takeover bid for a struggling business. The Devil’s garbage collection was the perfect target. All they had to do was sabotage the operation from within, then when the profits started to drop, they could move in with their offer and take the business off the Devil’s hands. There was just one obstacle. The Devil had signed an iron-clad, no exemptions contract to maintain the garbage collection. Once it became clear that the Devil had broken that contract, the Bostinos would almost certainly have been exposed—unless they acted first. If they removed the other signatory to the contract, they still had a chance to escape detection.

“This was where the unguarded service shaft came into play. The Bostinos discovered it, just as Jessie had when she entered Heaven. They took advantage of this opportunity to sneak into Heaven and kidnap the person who had signed the contract on Heaven’s behalf. And that person was God’s son, Phil.

“With Phil out of the picture, the Bostinos set their plan in motion. They began by imposing drastic conditions on the garbage collection workers, deliberately forcing them out on strike. The idea was that without any garbage collection, Heaven would soon be flooded beneath a sea of rubbish. Then, in the resulting confusion, the Bostinos could move in.”

“But that doesn’t make sense,” God protested. “Phil disappeared almost two weeks ago, but the rubbish only starting building up in the last day or so.”

“Actually, it makes complete sense. There was one other thing the Bostinos failed to take into account. One little man who cared deeply about the sort of place Heaven was, and who wouldn’t tolerate even the smallest piece of rubbish on its streets. Raphael saw what was happening before anybody else and took immediate action.”

“If he saw what was happening, why didn’t he say anything?” said God. “It might have saved us all this trouble.”

I couldn’t help laughing at that. “Every time Raphael tried to say anything, you were all washing your hair or mowing your lawns or changing channels on your televisions. When Raphael saw the rubbish accumulating on the street, he did what he always did when something needed to be done. He got off his backside and did all the tidying himself, filling dozens of garbage bags every day. It began to look like his actions alone would be enough to thwart the Bostinos.

“But those hoodlums weren’t going to be discouraged so easily. The next step was an easy one. A little guy like Raphael was never going to be a match for the Bostinos, and soon he too disappeared. With Phil and Raphael gone, there was no one else to interfere with their plan, and the result is obvious to everyone. Heaven has become one giant rubbish tip.”

Once again, silence fell over the great hall. Once again, Sally was the one who broke it. She stood up, pointing that accusatory finger again. But just for a change, it wasn’t directed at either Jessie or me.

“This is your fault,” she screamed in the Devil’s face. “Thanks to you, our glorious kingdom has been turned into a sewer. You broke the contract. You sold your soul for a lousy, stinking profit.”

The Devil immediately returned fire. “I didn’t hear you complaining about it back then. I seem to recall you were more than happy to receive the fruits of that profit.”

“Well, you can have your rotten things back. I never liked them much anyway.” Sally began ripping off earrings, necklaces, and other sundry accoutrements, and hurling them at the Devil. He held up his arms to ward off the assault and pleaded for her to stop, but it was another voice that finally brought her bejeweled barrage to a halt.

“Cease this foolishness at once!” God roared.

Sally and the Devil fell back to their seats. The look he gave her would have pierced armour. The look she shot back would have busted bunkers.

Satisfied that the outburst was over, God turned back to me. “So you have explained both my son’s and Raphael’s disappearances, but how does the kidnapping of Peter tie in?”

“That was the next stage of their plan,” I said. “With Heaven thrown into disarray by the growing sea of garbage, the Bostinos became much bolder. Already, Franky had been able to infiltrate Peter’s operation. Once Peter was out of the way, the Bostinos could commandeer the most critical strategic target in all of Heaven. Seizing control over the Pearly Gates gave them the power to decide who got into Heaven, which was exactly what they needed if their boss was going to come in and take over.”

“Which boss are you talking about?” asked God.

“Tommy Bostino, the head of the Bostino family. Tommy is the mastermind behind all of their criminal enterprises. Compared to him, Billy, Freddy, and Franky are a trio of boy scouts. But now Tommy’s a sick old man. He can hear the bells tolling and he knows that the time for judgment is drawing near. As long as Peter was guarding the Gates, there was no way he’d get through. But with Peter safely locked away and the Bostino brothers in charge of the entrance into Heaven, Tommy’s successful passage would be assured. And if Tommy Bostino made it into Heaven—all I can say is, God help you all.”