“What do you mean by that?” said God. There was a quaver in His voice, and behind those bushy eyebrows I could see the fear rising in His eyes.

“Let me tell you what Heaven would be like once the Bostinos took over. There’d be no more lazy sunny afternoons in the park, and you can forget about those evenings of serene contemplation. Heaven would no longer be a place of peace and tranquility. Everything here would be turned over to one simple purpose—the total gratification of the Bostino family.

“Imagine this majestic structure turned into the Bostinos’ mega-gambling palace.” I turned to Sally. “Imagine your mansion converted into their house of pleasure, and you forced to submit to their every whim.” Finally, I looked across to the Devil. “And think what will happen to your precious profits once the Bostinos start taking out their share.”

“I’d like to see them try,” muttered the Devil. “I’ve got a black belt in taekwondo.”

“You won’t be landing too many kicks when every bone in your body is broken,” I snapped back. “Face it, none of you can possibly imagine what life under the Bostinos would be like. But I don’t have to imagine it. I’ve been there. And let me tell you, Hell is a quiet picnic on a green meadow beside a slow-running brook compared to what Heaven would become.”

No one said anything. They all looked at me with eyes as wide and round as circus big tops, and mouths that were even wider. It looked like my words were sinking in at last.

“Is there any way we can defeat these mobsters?” asked God eventually.

“I’ve already taken the first steps. Peter has closed the Gates, and Billy, Freddy, and Franky are safely locked away. But that won’t be enough. There will be other plans. The Bostinos are ruthless. Once they set their sights on something, they won’t stop until it’s theirs. I’m afraid there’s nothing more I can do. The rest is up to you.”

“To me?” God seemed to be shrinking down into His seat.

“You’re the only one with the power to defeat the Bostinos. The future of Heaven is in your hands and your hands alone.”

All attention in the room was focused on God. For a moment, He cowered in His chair. Eventually, He came to a decision. He did the only thing possible under the circumstances. He took out a cigarette and placed it to His lips.

The Devil leapt from his seat. “That’s your solution to everything, isn’t it. As soon as the pressure is on, light up a cigarette. Well, let me tell you, God, it’s time you faced up to your responsibilities.”

Sally was also on her feet. “How can you possibly be so selfish? Your entire kingdom is at stake, and all you can do is look after your own needs.”

They advanced towards God, their fingers stabbing towards Him, and their screeching voices demanding He take action. God looked from one to the other, desperately trying to avoid their glowering eyes. Finally, He managed to tear His gaze free and look towards me. As our eyes met, I spoke.

“Just this once, I find myself in agreement with Punch and Judy here. The time for hiding is long past. It’s time to act.”

“But I don’t know how. I do so hate to get involved these days.”

“It’s too late for that. You’re as involved as anyone. You have to do something, and you have to do it right now.”

Seeing that helplessness wasn’t working, God switched to sulkiness. “That’s right. Throw the burden onto me. Leave it to me to solve everything. What do you expect? Do you think I’m all-powerful?”

“Actually, I thought you were.”

“I am all-powerful,” God said quietly, as if He needed to convince Himself. “I am all-powerful,” He repeated more forcefully. “I am all-powerful,” He roared, lifting Himself from His chair like a rising storm surge.

“That’s more like it,” I said. “So what are you going to do now?”

“I will smite the Bostinos. I shall rip them from the face of the earth and send them down into the deepest pits of Hell, where they will meet a fate far worse than death.”

God closed His eyes and raised His arms. For a moment, the room shook, and I swore I could hear the rumble of thunder very far away. Then His body relaxed and His eyes flickered open.

“It is done. The threat from the Bostinos has been removed. And now, Mr Clarenden, I trust you will help me find my son, and my faithful archangel, Raphael.”

“I will help you. I think I have a pretty good idea where they are.”

Chapter 17

I LED GOD AND THE OTHERS out of the Palace and through the streets of Heaven towards the Heavenly Police Department headquarters. Lizard Neck and Frying Pan were none too happy to receive me, but as soon as they saw my entourage, they quickly stood aside, any thoughts of resistance instantly vapourised.

I went into the holding cell within which I’d spent such pleasant hours a few days earlier. Bending down on my knees, I ran my fingers across the parquetry floorboards. Sure enough, I quickly located a small gap between a couple of pieces of wood. At the bottom of the gap, I found a latch that I was just able to grasp with the tips of my fingers. There was a collective gasp as I lifted a whole slab of the floor away, revealing a wide trap door underneath.

The trap door took a bit of pulling, but eventually I managed to get it open. Within the cavity that was exposed, a short ladder led down into a small, dark chamber. I climbed down the ladder, and as my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I saw two figures lying on the floor. They were both bound and gagged, but I could tell who they were. One was the angel Raphael. The other I had no trouble recognising from the photos God had shown me. At last, the case was closed. I had found Phil.

By this time, God had climbed down the ladder as well. He gave a cry of joy and rushed to His son’s side. Hurriedly, He began to untie Phil, while I did the same for Raphael. Then, after much hugging, we climbed up the ladder and exited the cell. Straight away, we were confronted by the sight of the two policemen cowering before the Devil, who was affecting a not-terribly-convincing martial arts pose.

“It looks like we’ve found more of the Bostinos’ accomplices,” he snarled. “I’m sorry to say your evil plans are at an end.”

The cops shook their heads furiously.

“It wasn’t us,” cried Lizard Neck.

“We didn’t do anything,” wailed Frying Pan.

In desperation, they turned their eyes towards their employer.

“Tell them,” they begged. “You know we didn’t have nothing to do with this.”

But Sally barely deigned to give them more than a momentary glance. “Get these lying wretches out of my sight,” she said in a voice that would have sent an Eskimo racing for a wood heater.

The Devil took a step towards the cops. “Hiyaaah!” he cried, and he began to raise his hands in the air. He looked less like a taekwondo master and more like a hyperextended marionette, and I couldn’t help but burst into laughter.

“Do you really think these nincompoops are in league with the Bostinos? Come off it. They couldn’t keep a fish imprisoned in a swimming pool. No, the Bostinos are much smarter than that. The only role these two played in their plot was an unwitting one. They would never have realised there were prisoners inside that cell.”

The looks the two cops gave me were a curious mixture of gratitude that I’d gotten them off the hook, and fury that in doing so I’d destroyed what little credibility they had left. Eventually, they both gave a half nod, half sneer, and then they crept to the back of the room, out of sight and definitely out of mind.

I turned to the Devil. “But if you’re in the mood for heroics, don’t forget there are three genuine Bostinos locked beneath the Pearly Gates. Someone has to take responsibility for them.”

“I’ll get my executives onto it straight away.” He took out a mobile phone and barked some orders into it. Then he snapped his fingers. “Well, I guess that’s all over now. I’d better be getting back to the office.”