Chapter 16

AFTER MY BRIEFESTCONVERSATION with God yet, I was able to quickly convene an impromptu meeting of the Heavenly Council, or at least what was left of it, plus a few extra attendees. We met in a grand hall whose walls were decorated with vast tapestries depicting some of God’s greatest moments, including the creation of man and woman, the parting of the Red Sea, and the invention of the remote control.

The splendid atmosphere of this fine hall was in no way reflected by the mood of the other four participants at the meeting. God sat at the head of the table, His head resting in His hands. He looked like the weight of the world was sitting upon His shoulders, and when it came down to it, I suppose it was. On either side of Him sat Sally and the Devil, each carefully avoiding the other’s glance while concentrating the fury of their gazes upon me. Slightly apart from the others sat Jessie, whom I had demanded the Devil bring up with him. She was still wearing her street mime bodystocking, and her eyes were focussed on everything in the room except me.

I stood up. It was time to get the meeting started.

“First of all, I would like to apologise on behalf of Peter, who is unable to attend this meeting due to some important matters he is dealing with. Therefore I will be taking his place today.”

“This better be important, Clarenden,” muttered the Devil. “I’ve had to cancel my squash game to be here.” This was plainly true. The Devil was wearing shorts and sneakers, and a racquet lay on the floor at his feet.

“If you think we don’t have better things to do than sit around listening to you, you’re a bigger fool than we took you for,” added Sally with a flick of her golden hair.

I laughed grimly. “Oh, you want to listen to me. Especially you. You’re the one who’s always so keen on keeping undesirables out of Heaven. Well, let me tell you, it’s too late. The undesirables are well and truly here. Just take a look at all the rubbish and the filth piling up on the streets outside.”

“I don’t have to look outside. I can see it right in front of me.”

I ignored her and turned to the Devil. “How do you get from Hell into Heaven?”

“There are a couple of different ways,” he replied. “There are about twenty service shafts that my teams use when they come into Heaven on their nightly shifts.”

“And the other way?”

“What other way?” Suddenly the Devil looked more than a little nervous.

“You said there are a couple of different ways. The service shafts are one way. What’s the other one?”

“The other is my own personal passage. I use it on those rare occasions when I need to enter Heaven.”

“So tell me, where does this passage lead?”

The Devil squirmed in his seat, clearly finding the question as pleasant as a Sunday stroll in a firestorm. But here in the presence of God, lying and evasion were no longer options. “To Sally’s,” he said very softly.

I put my hand up to my ear. “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you properly.”

“To Sally’s,” he repeated much more loudly. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“No, it isn’t what I wanted to hear,” I shouted back. “I have another question for you. I want to know what the security is like in those service shafts.”

“Very strict,” said the Devil emphatically. “No one passes between Heaven and Hell without me knowing.”

“That’s not true,” I said. “There’s at least one service shaft that is completely unguarded. I don’t know if it’s a disused one that’s been forgotten about, or if it’s a general reflection on your security, but I used it to get into Hell and then back to Heaven without anybody stopping me. And I’m not the only one. Other people have been using the same shaft to sneak into Heaven. Evil people with evil plans.”

“I should have guessed she was the one behind all of this,” cried Sally, pointing an accusatory finger at Jessie.

Jessie looked up. “No,” she said in a trembling voice. “It isn’t me.”

“Do you deny that you used this service shaft to sneak into Heaven?” demanded the Devil.

“No, I don’t deny that. But I just wanted to get into Heaven. I didn’t have any evil plans.”

“It’s lucky I found her out before she could get away with it,” said Sally.

“But it’s not true,” Jessie pleaded. “Tell them, Jimmy. You know it’s not true.”

“Leave her to me,” said the Devil. “I’ll deal with her.”

“Yes, but who’s going to deal with you?” I said.

Sally and the Devil both whirled to face me.

“What is that supposed to mean?” said the Devil.

“You’re not listening to me. I said that people with evil plans have been sneaking into Heaven, but I never said Jessie was one of those people. You’re quick to lay blame, but you’re not so quick when it comes to looking at the consequences of your own actions.”

“And what actions would you be talking about?” The Devil’s tone was polite, but it was about as friendly as a customs officer with a migraine.

“How are things in the garbage collection business?” I said.

“I’ve told you before, I refuse to speak about my business dealings.”

“Is that because garbage collection is no longer part of your business dealings?”

The Devil didn’t immediately reply. In the ensuing silence, God leaned forward. He’d been sitting quietly during the preceding bickering, but it seemed my last question had aroused His interest.

“What is this about garbage collection?” He asked, His gaze bouncing between the angel and the businessman.

“Just ignore him,” said Sally. “He has no idea what he’s talking about.” Still, the Devil did not speak.

“Please continue, Mr Clarenden,” said God. “Tell us all what you’ve discovered.”

“What I’ve discovered is a web of corruption that can be traced back to one business deal. I’m afraid our high-flying friend here was finding that certain enterprises had become less than profitable. The garbage collection in particular was highly problematic. Don’t try to deny it,” I added as the Devil started to protest. “I’ve seen the books, and I’ve got a very good memory. I can quote you back the figures for the last three financial years.

“But imagine if suddenly he is approached by a group of men,” I continued. “They also describe themselves as businessmen, and they say they would like to make a deal with the Devil. What better opportunity for the Devil to offload this drain on his financial resources? He agrees to sell the garbage collection to these men. Unfortunately, the Devil has no idea whom he is dealing with. There is only one sort of deal these men want to make—a deal with the Devil that the Devil cannot refuse.”

“How can you know all of this?” asked the Devil.

“Let me explain,” I said, leaning back to better enjoy the Devil’s discomfort. “Before this meeting, I’d been captured and held alongside Peter in a cell beneath the Pearly Gates. We managed to escape, partly due to the stupidity of the guard, and partly due to the fact that he had a wooden leg. As we fled from the cell, we were attacked by a small but immensely strong man. Fortunately, our combined strength was just enough to fight him off, although he did manage to inflict this injury on me with his fingernails.” I held up my arm to show the long scratch.

“Finally, we returned to Peter’s office to discover the third member of the conspiracy, and no doubt the leader—a crafty sneak with fetid breath. As I dealt with him, I noticed something small fall from his face. It was a tinted contact lens, designed to disguise the fact that his eyes were different colours.”

“Well, that is a rousing story, Mr Clarenden, and I look forward to the motion picture version,” said the Devil. “But I don’t see what any of it has to do with me.”

“I’ll tell you what it has to do with you. I know who those three men are. I can put names to each of them. The dimwit with the wooden leg is Billy Bostino. The tiny strongman with the long fingernails is Freddy Bostino. And the smart guy with the mismatched eyes and halitosis is Franky Bostino.”