When I’d heard all I could take, I walked over to the television, placed my finger on the power switch, and pressed it. Immediately, all salespeople vanished. For a moment, merciful silence filled the room, broken only by God’s anguished cry.

“What did you do that for? That man might have changed my life.”

“Seems to me you’ve had your life changed enough for one day.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means it’s time we had a talk. Take a look outside. Drag your eyes away from that idiotic screen, just for a moment. You’ll see that things aren’t going too well here in Heaven. If we don’t get to the bottom of this mystery, your precious kingdom will be nothing more than a festering, stinking pile of garbage.”

God’s face went redder than a bloody Mary stirred with a raw steak. “You dare to talk to me like that, here in my palace?”

“I dare that and a whole lot more. It’s time for you to level with me. I need you to tell me everything you know, and I need you to tell me right now.”

“You really think it will be that easy? You really think I can just snap my fingers and give you all the answers you need?”

“I didn’t say that. I have no illusions about this being easy. But you can start by putting an end to this stalling. When we first met, you mentioned that Phil helped you out with certain things, but you wouldn’t tell me what those things were. ‘Odds and ends’ were the precise words you used. Since then, I’ve managed to discover that one of the things Phil did was sign contracts with the Devil regarding the maintenance of the infrastructure here in Heaven—which I do believe includes garbage collection. So tell me, God, was that an odd or an end?”

“I admit that Phil did sign that contract,” God muttered, His eyes making a close inspection of His brand new stress-absorbent running shoes. “I was extremely busy and I didn’t have the time.”

“I’ll bet you were busy. What was it? Midgets with Oedipal complexes on a talk show? Or was that the day when Blake discovered Tiffany was having an affair with Nash on your favourite soap opera?”

“So maybe I needed a little additional relaxation that day.”

“And I suppose you also needed additional relaxation on the days when Phil restructured the administrative procedures at the Pearly Gates. Or the day when he decided to allow a journalist named Alby Stark to remain in Heaven after an unfortunate breakdown of those procedures.”

“So that is what this is all about,” God grumbled. “Every time something goes wrong, I’m the one who has to set it right. Well, sometimes I can’t be there to fix things. Sometimes I have to leave it to others. What do you expect? Do you think I can be everywhere at once?”

“Actually, I thought you could.”

God started to open His mouth, but then He stopped. He slumped down in His great throne and suddenly He looked very tired and very old. Eventually He spoke, the voice of a tired, old man.

“You’re right, I can be everywhere at once, but I don’t often choose to be. Most of the time, I’m quite happy to sit in my little chamber and watch TV. You were right, Mr Clarenden. I’m really not that busy at all.”

“But if you’re spending all your time watching television, who’s looking after Heaven?”

“I would have thought that was obvious. Phil is the one who’s been looking after Heaven. That’s why I need him back so urgently.”

There was a tinkling sound inside my head: the sort that a very small coin makes when it hits the ground.

“Why couldn’t you have told me this earlier?” I said. “Why pretend that Phil is your little helper, when he’s really the guy who’s running the show?”

“Why pretend? I’m God. This is my kingdom. Do you really think I want everyone to know that I’m no longer in charge?” God sighed. “I’m sorry for misleading you. I hope my foolish pride hasn’t compromised your investigation.”

“Compromised, but not irreparably. If we move quickly, we still may have a chance. But first I need more information. I believe that whoever is behind this plot is trying to set himself up in competition with the Devil. Do you have any idea who that might be? Can you think of anyone who could possibly want to muscle in on the Devil’s operations?”

“I don’t know,” God moaned.

“There must be an answer. Try to think.”

“I don’t know,” God repeated with a sudden petulance in His voice. “I’m so sick of all of this. All this power and responsibility. I’ve had enough.”

“You can’t really mean that.”

“Why not? You think it’s so great being God? Well, let me tell you, it’s no picnic. I’m stuck in this palace all day, which I don’t even like that much. I’d much prefer something simpler and smaller. But no, I’m God. I’m expected to project an atmosphere of grandeur and majesty. I’m supposed to sit on my throne and make all these grand proclamations that no one ever listens to anyway.”

“That’s not true,” I interjected. “People are constantly talking about your words.”

“How do you know they’re my words?”

“I guess I just assumed—”

“Exactly. You assumed you knew what I was saying. Everybody thinks they know more about my words than I do. You wouldn’t believe some of the things I’ve supposedly said. But I’ll tell you one thing. As soon as people have got problems, who does everybody come running to? ‘Help us, oh Lord,’ and ‘save us, oh Lord.’ Well what about me? I’ve got problems too. Who am I supposed to pray to?”

I didn’t have an answer. I wasn’t sure it was a question that even had an answer. Then again, God was now on such a roll that even if I did have one, I don’t think He would have paid any attention to it anyway.

“Being God is a full time job, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, 100 years a century. I’ve never taken a holiday. Never had a chance to relax on a beach or take a tropical cruise or enjoy a walk in a rainforest or scuba dive in a coral reef or—”

Suddenly the door burst open and Gabriel came charging in. His face was whiter than a peroxided albino in a snowstorm.

“Excuse me, Master, for breaking in, but I’ve got awful news. Peter is gone!”

As God was no longer in any state to respond, I figured I’d better do the honours.

“What happened to him?”

“Nobody knows. He’s just disappeared.”

Gabriel had barely finished speaking before I was legging it out of the palace, leaving God to His self-pity, and racing to the Pearly Gates. My foes had made their next move. I only hoped I wasn’t too late.

* * *

Chaos reigned at the Pearly Gates. The queue had disintegrated, and everyone was making a mad dash towards the Gates, pushing and jostling like a herd of roller-skating wildebeest. But most alarming of all, nobody seemed able to stop them. Despite the efforts of a handful of red-uniformed inspectors, people were streaming past the booths and through the Gates. All procedures for verifying bona fides for entry into the Kingdom of God had been abandoned. The Gates of Heaven had been flung open to all comers.

As I observed this crazed inrush, its true impact hit me as if a hammer had struck a giant bell inside my head. More was going on here than just an attempt to take on the Devil. This was an assault on Heaven itself. I knew that I couldn’t salvage this situation alone. I grabbed hold of the nearest person and spun him around. Instantly, I discovered that I hadn’t made a bad choice. I’d made an absolutely appalling one.

“What’s happening here?” said Lizard Neck with a smirk. “Must be the criminal returning to the scene of the crime.”

“You always thought you were so smart,” sneered his frying-pan-faced sidekick, who as luck would have it was standing alongside him. “Well this time you made the biggest mistake of your life.”

Before I could move, Lizard Neck had me pinned to the ground, while Frying Pan was pulling my arms behind my back and sticking on the cuffs.