I don’t know if it was the drugs that kept us together or just the fact that he loved the man that killed my parents that was pushing us apart. Nick was my first love. I just wasn’t sure if I was ready for him to be my only love. I looked into his hopeful eyes, and I knew what I had to say.
“Nick, I love you.” Tears brimmed at the corner of my eyes.
He whispered I love you then brushed his lips across mine. I felt my heart flutter as if this were our first kiss and not our last.
It took a lot to pull away from his mouth. He recovered quickly from my rejection and moved back to his side of the car. I touched my fingers to my lips to soothe the burning. I wouldn’t let my heart or my desires cloud what I had to say. “I just don’t know if being together is the best thing right now.”
Nick looked at me, confused and embarrassed. “What are you trying to say?”
I didn’t want to lose the moment to hostility, but I knew from the tone of his voice it was too late.
“It’s going to be a huge change for both of us. The stress of trying to make this work will only make things harder.” The weight of my words felt like a ton of bricks had been dropped on the car.
“You don’t want to be with me?” His words cut through me. There was truth in what he was saying, no matter how I sugar coated it. Even as I formed the words and spoke them aloud, I lied to myself about their meaning. Watching Nick’s reaction was forcing me to accept the fact that I was breaking up with him.
Nick pressed on the gas, and the roar of his engine echoed down the street. “I gotta go.” He looked straight ahead, gripping the wheel, waiting for me to get out. I lifted the lock and pulled the handle until the heavy metal door clicked open. He pressed the gas again, and the smell of exhaust crept in the open door. I didn’t hide the tear that escaped down my cheek.
“I love you, Dani.” His words surprised me. He could have been cruel. I deserved it.
“I love you too,” I told him, then forced myself out of the car.
I watched him fly down the street, barely stopping at the sign before disappearing around the corner with no promise to see him later, no assurance that he’d call.
I was addicted to Nick, addicted to his touch, his smell, his essence. I let his life become mine, and when he wasn’t around, I turned to ecstasy. In the same way thizz is a drug, Nick was a drug to me. Just like thizz, I had to stop using Nick.
Another day I could have used a pill was the day I found out they were seizing my parents’ assets. The confession Will Walker gave the police regarding my father being paid to lose Devon Brown’s case launched a full investigation into my father’s finances. Apparently tax evasion is looked upon more sternly than drug dealing and robbery. Some of the criminals my father’s old clients are in trouble again and were offered leniency for their cooperation in proving a dead man was a crook. I don’t care what they say about my father or what kind of man they want to paint him as. He will always be the patient man that taught me how to write my name. The person that soothed me when I was sick and made midnight runs to the store to get me orange juice. He was the only person on earth that could make my perfect hot dog.
Now that the IRS is involved, it’s only a matter of time before they start to seize property, so today I’m going back to my old home to salvage whatever personal belongings I can. Lucy and I decided an estate sale would be a great way to earn some extra money for school. My parents did have a small life insurance policy that helped pay the rent on my apartment, but it won’t last forever. I need to find another way to survive without taking money from Lucy and Johnson. They have their own family to support, and no matter how hard they insist on helping, I won’t let them.
My childhood home is just a short walk from where I live now. I’ve managed to avoid going near the street ever since I’ve moved back. Just like I’ve avoided going anywhere near Will Walker’s bar. He’s in prison, but I don’t think I can stand looking at the spot where Arnie was shot.
I decide to leave my Arnie at home; he’s had enough exercise for the day. When I begin my ascent up Green Street, my calves start to burn. A feeling so familiar it’s like the sound of my mother’s laugh. It’s been too long since I made this trek, and I’m winded when I reach the top. I pull out my key and insert it into the lock. I turn left and jiggle the handle until the lock clicks open. The smell of cinnamon and citrus potpourri fills the air. I knew Lucy was paying someone to maintain the house, but I didn’t realize she told them to follow all the same protocols down to the air freshener. Just as I’m about to close the door, I hear Matt’s car coming up the street.
He pulls in front of the house and parks. Matt jumps out, proudly sporting his Stanford colors. “Hey you,” he says and scoops me into his arms. I don’t realize how much I’ve missed him until this moment. I whisper I miss you in his ear and kiss his cheek.
He pulls back and smiles. “Me too.”
Nick is standing behind him, waiting to greet me. Things were awkward when he first moved to Santa Clara. Especially because the day Nick arrived was also the same day I was going to spend the night with Matt.
Matt and I made a pact to hang out at least once a month. The first time he came to see me was right after Heather moved in. Her parents agreed to let her live with me after Lucy promised to get Heather an internship once she completed her first year in the nursing program at USF. She pays half the rent and utilities, and she doesn’t mind doing the dishes.
The weekend Matt came to visit me, it was pouring rain. We spent the entire night watching MTV and eating pizza. After he made his nightly call to Ashely, well, our issues didn’t really seem that important. Matt’s parents found out Ashely was sick during spring break, but she didn’t want to tell Matt, not until after he graduated. She didn’t want to ruin his senior year with her problems. It was even her idea to buy Matt the Mustang. His parents moved to Colorado right after graduation. There is a specialist that’s had some success with her type of leukemia. She’s responding really well to treatment. Matt is going to see her for Christmas. If I can afford it, I might go with him.
When it was my turn to visit, I couldn’t wait for the chance to be alone with him. I was hoping to finally see if my feelings were real.
I stepped off the train with my backpack over my shoulder and a little travel bag in my hand. Although I’d slept at his house before, this was without a doubt different. It was just me and Matt, no Nick and no thizz.
I could barely contain my enthusiasm and practically mowed down an old man as I ran down the platform towards the parking lot. The cloud I was riding on suddenly disappeared when I saw Nick standing beside Matt. It was a lot like the first time I’d met them in the parking lot at school. Except they were leaning against Matt’s Mustang, and this time Matt stepped up. He greeted me with a hug and a soft kiss on the cheek. I didn’t know if Nick understood why I was there or knew I was coming to spend the night with Matt. I was mortified. Matt quickly explained that Nick had driven down that afternoon and moved into the dorms. From the pained look on Nick’s face, I was sure his presence wasn’t his idea at all. It was Matt’s. It was the first time we’d seen each other since he drove away from Lucy’s. I hadn’t spoken to him on the phone or even exchanged a text.
We left the train station and went straight to a college-friendly pub. After a few shots of Patron and a lot of beer, the reason for my visit was forgotten. The three of us were just old friends hanging out. We were on our fourth or fifth shot when Matt made a toast.