I remember opening my eyes and seeing Lucy and Johnson standing over my bed. I thought it was a dream. Until Lucy yanked me into her arms and started to cry. She heard about Arnie while on her shift at the hospital. A friend of a friend or something. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I just kept thinking, thank God it wasn’t Nick. Feeling happy Nick was alive feels like a betrayal to my parents. I shouldn’t care, I don’t want to care, but I do.

Thizz and grief and fear are a bad mix. I hid in my room for two days waiting it out. Waiting for the drugs to leave my body. Waiting for Will to come and find me. Lucy figured I was in shock. She left me alone. Matt called every other hour to check on me. I never heard from Nick. My heart aches when I think about him. He must be devastated. I am, and I didn’t even like Arnie. Matt is wondering if he’ll show up today. I can tell he wants to see him too. He misses him too.

Matt picks me up in his new Mustang and we drive to the funeral together. Lucy and Johnson are taking his truck. They said they’d meet me at the church. Matt and I pull into the parking lot of St. Bernard’s just as Arnie’s family is arriving in a black stretch limo. I watch in the side mirror as Arnie’s mother is helped out by an older man dressed in formal military attire. I wonder how they found the strength to get out of bed this morning. Arnie’s mother is greeted by friends of Arnie’s I recognize from school.

“I’m going to say hi,” Matt says and opens his door.

“I can’t…”

Matt takes my hand and kisses it. “It’s ok, I’ll meet you inside.”

I get out of the car and walk up the steps of the church. I watch as Matt works his way through the crowd and finally reaches Arnie’s mother. He taps her shoulder and she turns around. Her eyes light up when she sees him. She takes his face in her hands and kisses his cheeks. Matt collapses onto her shoulder and sobs. It seems unfair that she has to console him. She’s the one that lost a son. She’s the one that needs comfort. This is why I didn’t go to my parents’ funeral. It wasn’t for me. It was for them. Their grief is limited to one day, a few hours, then it’s over. For us, it’s a daily struggle. We have to live, breathe, eat, and sleep with it for the rest of our lives. That’s what I did, until I discovered thizz. Thizz took all of that pain away. I don’t know if I would have survived Eureka without it. That’s a lie. I didn’t need thizz to deal with the boredom or loneliness. I needed it to be with Nick. Living in his world was unbearable without it. Being with Nick was impossible without thizz. One didn’t exist without the other. Now that I have neither, I’m starting to see things clearer.

“Dani.” Mary’s baby-soft voice surprises me. She’s standing at the top of the stairs in her school uniform.

“What are you doing here?” I’m happy to see her. I don’t want to be alone.

She gestures to the building behind the church. Her school. I forgot.

We watch Arnie’s teammates from the basketball team assemble behind the hearse. They all have on white gloves and black suits. Nick isn’t among them. Matt is still standing beside Arnie’s mother, watching as they pull the casket from the car. I wonder who carried my parents’ coffins. I wish I knew. I should know. Tears roll down my cheek.

“I have something,” Mary whispers as the boys start up the steps. “It’s from Arnie.”

I pull her to the side and ask her what she’s talking about.

“He came to the café looking for you that day.” She hands me an envelope.

I already know what it is. I open the envelope and read the words on the paper. “He did it.”

Mary says she has to get back to class and leaves me standing alone as Arnie’s casket is carried into the church. I watch the crowd follow him, wiping tears from under their sunglasses. Then I feel someone behind me. I’m afraid to turn around. A hand touches my shoulder and I close my eyes.

“Dani,” Heather says quietly. “Are you ok?” I throw my arms around her and start to cry. I didn’t think I would make it through the day without tears. I just didn’t expect to feel this level of sadness.

“How are you?” I straighten up. I know how close Heather and Arnie were.

“I’m keeping it together.” Heather tries to smile. “I’m glad you’re here.”

It’s strange to hear Heather King say those words to me. She hated me before thizz. I loathed her. Now, we’re standing here hugging. I guess I can thank thizz for that.

By the time Matt comes to find me, we’re so overtaken by grief, neither of us try to speak. Heather joins us, and we walk into the church together. She stops to dip her fingers in a pot of water at the door then crosses herself. We find a row towards the middle and slide in. Arnie’s casket is a large shiny black box with gold trim. It’s closed. Someone placed a framed picture of him on top. A basketball sits beside it. It looks like it’s been signed by the entire team.

“Have you seen him?” Matt whispers as the priest says a prayer.

I can only assume he means Nick. I shake my head.

Matt makes a disgusted face and looks straight ahead as the first speaker takes the podium. There is a steady stream of friends, family members, and even teachers speaking on Arnie’s behalf. I wonder who spoke at my parents’ funeral. I bite the inside of my cheek. It’s still sore from the other day. I bite until I taste blood, but tears keep coming. Heather places a box of tissues in my lap. I look down and see the letter crumpled in my hand.

The next thing I know, I’m standing. I step out into the aisle. Matt calls my name, but I keep walking. The priest spots me and waves me up. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know why I’m up here, staring at these people who don’t know me. They don’t know this is my fault. If I didn’t move here. If I didn’t fall in love with Nick. Arnie would still be alive. They’re waiting for me to tell them a story about Arnie. I don’t have one, not one I can share. All of my Arnie stories are drug-induced antics. The same drug that got him killed. I look at the paper in my hand. The paper that is useless to him now. I look at the picture on top of his casket. He has that crooked smile, the one he always had when he was thinking something dirty. That’s Arnie. He’s the fool. The stories people told about him were full of crazy pranks, like the time he dyed the school’s pool for St. Patrick’s Day. Suddenly it comes to me, the reason I’m standing up here.

Arnie’s family is watching me from the first row. I focus on them as I start to speak. “There’s nothing I can add to this service that will tell you what kind of person Arnie was.” I look at Arnie’s little brother, he looks just like him. “But I think I know the man he wanted to be. Arnie was very passionate about playing college basketball.” I see Arnie’s father react to what I’ve said. He sort of shrugs and shakes his head. His mother places her hand on his. I can’t tell if she’s comforting him or scolding him. Arnie told me his father wanted him to join the army.

“I was helping Arnie study for the SAT, and he said once he sets his mind to do something, he does it.” Arnie’s father looks up at me. “I just wanted you all to know, that he did it.” A tear runs down my face. “Arnie met with a coach at Humboldt State. He said he needed to score at least one thousand on his SAT to get a scholarship. I found out today, he got a 1050.”

The church is silent except for the sound of Arnie’s mother’s uncontrollable sobbing.

Oh no. Why did I think this was good news? I’m rubbing it in their face. Telling them their son will never go to college. I’m an idiot. I step around the podium and try to make it past Arnie’s family without looking.

Mrs. Monroe reaches out to me and I instinctively hand her the test results. “We had no idea he was planning on going to college.” She looks at her husband. “We didn’t think he gave much thought to his future. He never seemed very ambitious.” She looks away, embarrassed or ashamed maybe for not giving Arnie credit. “Thank you so much for helping our son.” She takes my hand. “Thank you for confirming what I always knew in my heart.”