be so great!” His eyes sparkle as he pulls away. “You won’t

regret it!”

smile weakly.

“And Rosie?”

turn.

“Trudie would be so proud.” He beams.

His headlights dazzle my eyes as he turns the car

around and disappears down the hill, leaving me dark and

cold and guilty.

cold, guilty sweat trickles down the back of my

neck as

fidget restlessly, flicking through the litter of

106

leaflets on the clinic coffee table, nervously waiting my

turn.

Unwanted Pregnancy?

Your options:

a) Adoption

Nope—I need this over with.

b) Abortion

take deep breath, scan the page

Up to Seven Weeks: Manual Vacuum Aspiration

Ugh. My stomach turns.

Medical Abortion (Abortion Pill)

bite my lip. That seems easy enough. Take pill—

no more baby.

Simple.

“Hayley Wilson?”

jump as the receptionist calls the next patient. But

it’s not me. Not yet. watch as the girl stands up, head

bowed as she passes through the double doors.

wipe my palms on my jeans and pick up another

leaflet, anything to keep my hands busy, distracted.

Your baby— week by week

Despite myself, my eyes slide down to the picture

for seven weeks as words leap out at me— fingers, toes,

elbows, knees, nostrils, eyelids—this clump of cells is no bigger than pencil eraser, yet it already has eyelids? It’s already moving on its own? Its tiny heart pulsing at 150

beats minute—twice the speed of mine?

Before

know it, I’ve walked out.

walk out the

door and keep walking, the air cold on my cheeks and

107

fresh in my lungs. take deep gulps of it, sucking it in till

feel dizzy with oxygen, with life, walking away, far away

from the clinic

Toward future never planned.

108

Chapter Eight

“Taxi’s here!” Andy cries, slinging my rucksack over

his shoulder and pretending to stagger under the weight.

“Good God, woman, what have you got in here? Anyone

would think you were going away for eight months or

something!”

Sarah laughs as he reels down the driveway while

Nana squeezes me so tight think I’ll burst.

“Eight months! Oh, sweetheart!”

hold her close and my chest aches—she feels so

small, so fragile. “I’ll miss you, Nana.”

“Oh, you’ll be having far too much fun to miss

anything round here!” Sarah grins.

“Now, you take care, all right?” Nana says, clutching

my hands. “You’re very precious.”

“You too,” tell her tenderly.

“I want lots of postcards—and maybe call once in

while?”

“I promise.” grin. “Now, no wild parties while I’m

gone—I know what you’re like!”

She laughs. “Just you try and stop me!”

“Good luck, sweetheart.” Sarah hugs me and stiffen

involuntarily, then smile for Nana’s sake.

109

don’t really know how to feel about Sarah

anymore—whether to be angry with her, or resentful, or

grateful even

Everything’s been such blur these past

few days, rushing around frantically packing and

planning, there hasn’t been much time to think about

anything else. Not even Kitty. With Nana and Andy

constantly around and the only computer in Nana’s

bedroom, I’ve only managed to Google her once—hungrily

devouring

feast of new photographs—before Nana

walked in and quickly shut the site down, stung with

guilt.

climb into the taxi and look back at her waving

madly from the doorway, and feel sick. She’s so happy

for me—thrilled that I’m officially negative, delighted that

I’m finally going traveling. What would she think if she

knew the truth?

watch as Sarah wraps her arm round Nana’s thin

shoulders and blows me kiss.

How does she do it? How did Sarah keep her secret

all these years, look us in the eye, all the while knowing?

It’s been killing me lying to Nana, walking on eggshells,

double-checking everything say and do

sigh as we turn

corner and she disappears, the

trees and fields and houses crowding in, filling the

distance between us.

At least now won’t have to lie for while.

Not to Nana, anyway.

“Hey,” Andy says softly. “Do you want to stop by the

graveyard on the way? We’ve got time.”

110

“No.” shake my head, looking away. “I’ve already

been.”

Another lie. It’s been one thing holding it together

in front of everyone else, but just haven’t been able to

face visiting Mum’s grave—not with my bags packed and

ticket clutched in my hand to go and find Kitty.

ticket

paid for with Mum’s inheritance.

“I’m so glad you changed your mind.” Andy beams,

his eyes bright. “We’re gonna have such great time, Rose.

Me and you against the world.”

smile weakly, squeeze his hand, then turn to look

out of the window as we head onto the motorway, my

stomach tight.

What’s one more lie? It’s like they’re contagious—

every time leave one behind,

new one rears its ugly

head. But Andy wouldn’t understand, he’s made that clear.

And don’t need his approval, not really. This is my life,

my decision.

Besides, we’ll have

wonderful time traveling

together—just as we always planned—and then, when we

get to Los Angeles

My heartbeat quickens as the familiar scenery

streams past and disappears behind us, leaving the tiny

village, the familiar houses and fields, and my life as I’ve

always known it far, far behind.

Who knows …?

The ground is sprinkled with snow but the sky is

brilliant blue as finally we land in New York.

111

My eyes widen as we enter the crowded arrivals

hall, everyone pushing and shoving, waving signs and

placards as they jostle for position. inch closer to Andy.

Suddenly, guy in thick tartan jacket grabs Andy

in bear hug that lifts him off the ground. “Hey, shrimp!

How’re ya doin?” he cries. “And you must be the lovely

Rosie.” He grins, kissing my hand.

“Okay, enough of the charm,” Andy laughs. “Rosie,

Casey; Casey, Rosie. Now let’s get going, I’m freezing my

arse off!”

“Aw, and it’s such

pretty ass, too,” Casey teases,

slapping Andy’s bum and winking at me as he hitches my

bag onto his shoulder. “Anyone for breakfast? I’m

starved!”

“Breakfast” is unlike anything I’ve ever seen in my

life—sausages, eggs and toast tussle for space next to long

streaks of bacon, golden hash browns and huge stack of

fluffy pancakes drenched in sticky-sweet maple syrup.

The image of my heaped plate stays with me all day—

especially as the ferry bounces over the choppy waves

toward Liberty Island.

“Ugh! shouldn’t have eaten so much!” groan as

my stomach lurches back and forth. “Either that, or

should’ve stayed on dry land!”

“Yeah, but she’s worth it.” Andy grins. “Just look at

her!”

gaze up at the massive green lady, her torch held

high above the lights of Manhattan. The view of the city

across the bay is just stunning, the skyscrapers shooting

112

like rockets up into the blue, blue sky, the air crisp and

clear, the waves sparkling far below. What sight to greet

all the immigrants about to start new life in the Land of