SEBASTIAN Let go thy hand.

SIR TOBY Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young soldier, put up your iron. You are well fleshed. Come on.

SEBASTIAN (freeing himself)

I will be free from thee. What wouldst thou now?

If thou dar’st tempt me further, draw thy sword.

SIR TOBY What, what? Nay then, I must have an ounce or two of this malapert blood from you.

Sir Toby and Sebastian draw their swords.

Enter Olivia

OLIVIA

Hold, Toby, on thy life I charge thee hold.

SIR TOBY Madam.

OLIVIA

Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,

Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,

Where manners ne’er were preached—out of my sight! Be not offended, dear Cesario.

(To Sir Toby) Rudesby, be gone.

Exeunt Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, and Fabian

I prithee, gentle friend,

Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion sway

In this uncivil and unjust extent

Against thy peace. Go with me to my house,

And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks

This ruffian hath botched up, that thou thereby

Mayst smile at this. Thou shalt not choose but go.

Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me,

He started one poor heart of mine in thee.

SEBASTIAN

What relish is in this? How runs the stream?

Or I am mad, or else this is a dream.

Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep.

If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep.

OLIVIA

Nay, come, I prithee, would thou’dst be ruled by me.

SEBASTIAN

Madam, I will.

OLIVIA

O, say so, and so be.

Exeunt

4.2 Enter Maria carrying a gown and false beard, and Feste, the clown

MARIA Nay, I prithee put on this gown and this beard, make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate. Do it quickly. I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst. Exit

FESTE Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in’t, and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown.

He disguises himself

I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student, but to be said ‘an honest man and a good housekeeper’ goes as fairly as to say ‘a careful man and a great scholar’. The competitors enter.

Enter Sir Toby and Maria

SIR TOBY Jove bless thee, Master Parson.

FESTE Bonos dies, Sir Toby, for, as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, ‘That that is, is.’ So I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for what is ‘that’ but ‘that’, and ‘is’ but ‘is’?

SIR TOBY To him, Sir Topas.

FESTE What ho, I say, peace in this prison.

SIR TOBY The knave counterfeits well—a good knave.

Malvolio within

MALVOLIO Who calls there?

FESTE Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.

MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

FESTE Out, hyperbolical fiend, how vexest thou this man! Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?

SIR TOBY Well said, Master Parson.

MALVOLIO Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad. They have laid me here in hideous darkness.

FESTE Fie, thou dishonest Satan—I call thee by the most modest terms, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy. Sayst thou that house is dark?

MALVOLIO As hell, Sir Topas.

FESTE Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clerestories toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony, and yet complainest thou of obstruction?

MALVOLIO I am not mad, Sir Topas; I say to you this house is dark.

FESTE Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.

MALVOLIO I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are. Make the trial of it in any constant question.

FESTE What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wildfowl?

MALVOLIO That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.

FESTE What thinkest thou of his opinion?

MALVOLIO I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

FESTE Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou shalt hold th’opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

SIR TOBY My most exquisite Sir Topas.

FESTE Nay, I am for all waters.

MARIA Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown, he sees thee not.

SIR TOBY (to Feste) To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou findest him. I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. ⌈To Maria⌉ Come by and by to my chamber.

Exit ⌈With Maria⌉

FESTE (sings)

‘Hey Robin, jolly Robin,

Tell me how thy lady does.’

MALVOLIO Fool!

FESTE ‘My lady is unkind, pardie.’

MALVOLIO Fooll

FESTE ‘Alas, why is she so?’

MALVOLIO Fool, I say!

FESTE ‘She loves another.’

Who calls, ha?

MALVOLIO Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle and pen, ink, and paper. As I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for’t.

FESTE Master Malvolio?

MALVOLIO Ay, good fool.

FESTE Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

MALVOLIO Fool, there was never man so notoriously abused. I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

FESTE But as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool.

MALVOLIO They have here propertied me, keep me in darkness, send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits.

FESTE Advise you what you say, the minister is here. (As Sir Topas) Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore. Endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble-babble.

MALVOLIO Sir Topas.

FESTE (as Sir Topas) Maintain no words with him, good fellow. (As himself) Who I, sir? Not I, sir. God b’wi’ you, good Sir Topas. (As Sir Topas) Marry, amen. (As himself) I will, sir, I will.

MALVOLIO Fool, fool, fool, I say.

FESTE Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for speaking to you.

MALVOLIO Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tell thee I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria. no

FESTE Well-a-day that you were, sir.

MALVOLIO By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light, and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.

FESTE I will help you to’t. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed, or do you but counterfeit?

MALVOLIO Believe me, I am not, I tell thee true.

FESTE Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his brains.

I will fetch you light, and paper, and ink.

MALVOLIO Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree. I prithee, be gone.

FESTE

I am gone, sir,