I do remember.
Exeunt severally
3.4 Enter Olivia and Maria
OLIVIA (aside)
I have sent after him, he says he’ll come.
How shall I feast him? What bestow of him?
For youth is bought more oft than begged or
borrowed.
I speak too loud.
(To Maria) Where’s Malvolio? He is sad and civil, 5
And suits well for a servant with my fortunes.
Where is Malvolio?
MARIA He’s coming, madam, but in very strange manner.
He is sure possessed, madam.
OLIVIA
Why, what’s the matter? Does he rave?
MARIA No, madam, he does nothing but smile. Your ladyship were best to have some guard about you if he come, for sure the man is tainted in’s wits.
OLIVIA
Go call him hither. Exit Maria
I am as mad as he,
If sad and merry madness equal be.
Enter Malvolio, cross-gartered and wearing yellow stockings, with Maria
How now, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO Sweet lady, ho, ho!
OLIVIA
Smil’st thou? I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.
MALVOLIO Sad, lady? I could be sad. This does make some obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering, but what of that? If it please the eye of one, it is with me as the very true sonnet is, ‘Please one, and please all’.
Why, how dost thou, man? What is the matter with thee?
MALVOLIO Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It did come to his hands, and commands shall be executed. I think we do know the sweet roman hand.
OLIVIA
Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO (kissing his hand) To bed? ’Ay, sweetheart, and
I’ll come to thee.’
OLIVIA God comfort thee. Why dost thou smile so, and kiss thy hand so oft?
MARIA How do you, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO At your request?—yes, nightingales answer daws.
MARIA Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?
MALVOLIO ‘Be not afraid of greatness’—’twas well writ.
OLIVIA What meanest thou by that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO ‘Some are born great’—
OLIVIA Ha?
MALVOLIO ‘Some achieve greatness’—
OLIVIA What sayst thou?
MALVOLIO ‘And some have greatness thrust upon them.’
OLIVIA Heaven restore thee.
MALVOLIO ‘Remember who commended thy yellow stockings’—
OLIVIA ‘Thy yellow stockings’?
MALVOLIO ‘And wished to see thee cross-gartered.’
OLIVIA ‘Cross-gartered’?
MALVOLIO ‘Go to, thou art made, if thou desirest to be so.’
OLIVIA Am I made?
MALVOLIO ‘If not, let me see thee a servant still.’
OLIVIA Why, this is very midsummer madness.
Enter a Servant
SERVANT Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino’s is returned. I could hardly entreat him back. He attends your ladyship’s pleasure.
OLIVIA I’ll come to him. Exit Servant Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where’s my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special care of him, I would not have him miscarry for the half of my dowry. Exeunt Olivia and Maria, severally
MALVOLIO O ho, do you come near me now? No worse man than Sir Toby to look to me. This concurs directly with the letter, she sends him on purpose, that I may appear stubborn to him, for she incites me to that in the letter. ‘Cast thy humble slough,’ says she, ‘be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants, let thy tongue tang arguments of state, put thyself into the trick of singularity’, and consequently sets down the manner how, as a sad face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have limed her, but it is Jove’s doing, and Jove make me thankful. And when she went away now, ‘let this fellow be looked to’. Fellow!—not ‘Malvolio’, nor after my degree, but ‘fellow’. Why, everything adheres together that no dram of a scruple, no scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous or unsafe circumstance—what can be said?—nothing that can be can come between me and the full prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the doer of this, and he is to be thanked.
Enter Sir Toby, Fabian, and Maria
SIR TOBY Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion himself possessed him, yet I’ll speak to him.
FABIAN Here he is, here he is. (To Malvolio) How is’t with you, sir? How is’t with you, man?
MALVOLIO Go off, I discard you. Let me enjoy my private. Go off.
MARIA Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him. Did not I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a care of him.
MALVOLIO Aha, does she so?
SIR TOBY Go to, go to. Peace, peace, we must deal gently with him. Let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? How is’t with you? What, man, defy the devil. Consider, he’s an enemy to mankind.
MALVOLIO Do you know what you say?
MARIA La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes it at heart. Pray God he be not bewitched.
FABIAN Carry his water to th’ wise woman.
MARIA Marry, and it shall be done tomorrow morning, if I live. My lady would not lose him for more than I’ll say.
MALVOLIO How now, mistress?
MARIA O Lord!
SIR TOBY Prithee hold thy peace, this is not the way. Do you not see you move him? Let me alone with him.
FABIAN No way but gentleness, gently, gently. The fiend is rough, and will not be roughly used.
SIR TOBY Why how now, my bawcock? How dost thou, chuck?
MALVOLIO Sir!
SIR TOBY Ay, biddy, come with me. What man, ’tis not for gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan. Hang him, foul collier.
MARIA Get him to say his prayers. Good Sir Toby, get him to pray.
MALVOLIO My prayers, minx?
MARIA No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.
MALVOLIO Go hang yourselves, all. You are idle shallow things, I am not of your element. You shall know more hereafter. Exit
SIR TOBY Is’t possible?
FABIAN If this were played upon a stage, now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction.
SIR TOBY His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.
MARIA Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air and taint.
FABIAN Why, we shall make him mad indeed.
MARIA The house will be the quieter.
SIR TOBY Come, we’ll have him in a dark room and bound. My niece is already in the belief that he’s mad. We may carry it thus for our pleasure and his penance till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt us to have mercy on him, at which time we will bring the device to the bar and crown thee for a finder of madmen. But see, but see.
Enter Sir Andrew with a paper
FABIAN More matter for a May morning.
SIR ANDREW Here’s the challenge, read it. I warrant there’s vinegar and pepper in’t.
FABIAN Is’t so saucy?
SIR ANDREW Ay—is’t? I warrant him. Do but read.
SIR TOBY Give me.
(Reads) ‘Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.’
FABIAN Good, and valiant.
SIR TOBY ‘Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for’t.’
FABIAN A good note, that keeps you from the blow of the law.
SIR TOBY ‘Thou comest to the Lady Olivia, and in my sight she uses thee kindly; but thou liest in thy throat, that is not the matter I challenge thee for.’ 155
FABIAN Very brief, and to exceeding good sense (aside) -less.
SIR TOBY ‘I will waylay thee going home, where if it be thy chance to kill me’—
FABIAN Good.
SIR TOBY ‘Thou killest me like a rogue and a villain.’