OLIVIA Who has done this, Sir Andrew?

SIR ANDREW The Count’s gentleman, one Cesario. We took him for a coward, but he’s the very devil incardinate.

ORSINO My gentleman, Cesario?

SIR ANDREW ’Od’s lifelings, here he is. (To Viola) You broke my head for nothing, and that that I did I was set on to do’t by Sir Toby.

VIOLA

Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you.

You drew your sword upon me without cause,

But I bespake you fair, and hurt you not.

Enter Sir Toby and Feste, the clown

SIR ANDREW If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt you have hurt me. I think you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb. Here comes Sir Toby, halting. You shall hear more; but if he had not been in drink he would have tickled you othergates than he did.

ORSINO (to Sir Toby)

How now, gentleman? How is’t with you?

SIR TOBY That’s all one, he’s hurt me, and there’s th’end on’t. (To Feste) Sot, didst see Dick Surgeon, sot?

FESTE O, he’s drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone. His eyes were set at eight i’th’ morning.

SIR TOBY Then he’s a rogue, and a passy-measures pavan.

I hate a drunken rogue.

OLIVIA

Away with him! Who hath made this havoc with them?

SIR ANDREW I’ll help you, Sir Toby, because we’ll be dressed together.

SIR TOBY Will you help—an ass-head, and a coxcomb, and a knave; a thin-faced knave, a gull?

OLIVIA

Get him to bed, and let his hurt be looked to.

Exeunt Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, Feste, and Fabian

Enter Sebastian

SEBASTIAN (to Olivia)

I am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman,

But had it been the brother of my blood

I must have done no less with wit and safety.

You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that

I do perceive it hath offended you.

Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows

We made each other but so late ago.

ORSINO

One face, one voice, one habit, and two persons,

A natural perspective, that is and is not.

SEBASTIAN

Antonio! O, my dear Antonio,

How have the hours racked and tortured me

Since I have lost thee!

ANTONIO Sebastian are you?

SEBASTIAN Fear’st thou that, Antonio?

ANTONIO

How have you made division of yourself?

An apple cleft in two is not more twin

Than these two creatures. Which is Sebastian?

OLIVIA Most wonderfull

SEBASTIAN (seeing Viola)

Do I stand there? I never had a brother,

Nor can there be that deity in my nature

Of here and everywhere. I had a sister,

Whom the blind waves and surges have devoured.

Of charity, what kin are you to me?

What countryman? What name? What parentage?

VIOLA

Of Messaline. Sebastian was my father.

Such a Sebastian was my brother, too.

So went he suited to his watery tomb.

If spirits can assume both form and suit

You come to fright us.

SEBASTIAN A spirit I am indeed,

But am in that dimension grossly clad

Which from the womb I did participate.

Were you a woman, as the rest goes even,

I should my tears let fall upon your cheek

And say ‘Thrice welcome, drowned Viola.’

VIOLA

My father had a mole upon his brow

SEBASTIAN And so had mine.

VIOLA

And died that day when Viola from her birth

Had numbered thirteen years.

SEBASTIAN

O, that record is lively in my soul.

He finished indeed his mortal act

That day that made my sister thirteen years.

VIOLA

If nothing lets to make us happy both

But this my masculine usurped attire,

Do not embrace me till each circumstance

Of place, time, fortune do cohere and jump

That I am Viola, which to confirm

I’ll bring you to a captain in this town

Where lie my maiden weeds, by whose gentle help

I was preserved to serve this noble count.

All the occurrence of my fortune since

Hath been between this lady and this lord.

SEBASTIAN (to Olivia)

So comes it, lady, you have been mistook.

But nature to her bias drew in that.

You would have been contracted to a maid,

Nor are you therein, by my life, deceived.

You are betrothed both to a maid and man.

ORSINO (to Olivia)

Be not amazed. Right noble is his blood.

If this be so, as yet the glass seems true,

I shall have share in this most happy wreck.

(To Viola) Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand times

Thou never shouldst love woman like to me.

VIOLA

And all those sayings will I overswear,

And all those swearings keep as true in soul

As doth that orbed continent the fire

That severs day from night.

ORSINO Give me thy hand,

And let me see thee in thy woman’s weeds.

VIOLA

The captain that did bring me first on shore

Hath my maid’s garments. He upon some action

Is now in durance, at Malvolio’s suit,

A gentleman and follower of my lady’s.

OLIVIA

He shall enlarge him. Fetch Malvolio hither—

And yet, alas, now I remember me,

They say, poor gentleman, he’s much distraught.

Enter Feste the clown with a letter, and Fabian

A most extracting frenzy of mine own

From my remembrance clearly banished his.

How does he, sirrah?

FESTE Truly, madam, he holds Beelzebub at the stave’s end as well as a man in his case may do. He’s here writ a letter to you. I should have given’t you today morning. But as a madman’s epistles are no gospels, so it skills not much when they are delivered.

OLIVIA Open’t and read it.

FESTE Look then to be well edified when the fool delivers the madman. (Reads) ‘By the Lord, madam’—

OLIVIA How now, art thou mad?

FESTE No, madam, I do but read madness. An your ladyship will have it as it ought to be you must allow vox.

OLIVIA Prithee, read i’thy right wits.

FESTE So I do, madonna, but to read his right wits is to read thus. Therefore perpend, my princess, and give ear.