CAIUS I pray you bear witness that me have stay six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.

SHALLOW He is the wiser man, Master Doctor. He is a curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies. If you should fight you go against the hair of your professions. Is it not true, Master Page?

PAGE Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter, though now a man of peace.

SHALLOW Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old and of the peace, if I see a sword out my finger itches to make one. Though we are justices and doctors and churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of our youth in us. We are the sons of women, Master Page.

PAGE ’Tis true, Master Shallow.

SHALLOW It will be found so, Master Page.—Master Doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the peace. You have showed yourself a wise physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman. You must go with me, Master Doctor.

HOST Pardon, guest Justice. (To Caius) A word, Monsieur Mockwater.

CAIUS Mockvater? Vat is dat?

HOST Mockwater, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.

CAIUS By Gar, then I have as much mockvater as de Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! By Gar, me vill cut his ears.

HOST He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.

CAIUS Clapper-de-claw? Vat is dat?

HOST That is, he will make thee amends.

CAIUS By Gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me, for, by Gar, me vill have it.

HOST And I will provoke him to’t, or let him wag.

CAIUS Me tank you for dat.

HOST And moreover, bully—(Aside to the others) But first, master guest and Master Page, and eke Cavaliero Slender, go you through the town to Frogmore.

PAGE Sir Hugh is there, is he?

HOST He is there. See what humour he is in, and I will bring the Doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?

SHALLOW We will do it.

⌈PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER⌉ Adieu, good Master Doctor.

Exeunt Page, Shallow, and Slender

CAIUS ⌈drawing his rapier⌉ By Gar, me vill kill de priest, for he speak for a jackanape to Anne Page.

HOST Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience; throw cold water on thy choler. Go about the fields with me through Frogmore. I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is, at a farmhouse a-feasting; and thou shalt woo her. Cried game? Said I well?

CAIUS ⌈sheathing his rapier⌉ By Gar, me dank you vor dat. By Gar, I love you, and I shall procure-a you de good guest: de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patiences.

HOST For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne Page. Said I well?

CAIUS By Gar, ’tis good. Vell said.

HOST Let us wag, then.

CAIUS Come at my heels, Jack Rugby. Exeunt

3.1 Enter Sir Hugh Evans ⌈with a rapier, and bearing a book⌉ and Simple ⌈bearing Evans’s gown⌉

EVANS I pray you now, good Master Slender’s servingman, and friend Simple by your name, which way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls himself Doctor of Physic?

SIMPLE Marry, sir, the Petty Ward, the Park Ward, every way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town way.

EVANS I most fehemently desire you you will also look that way.

SIMPLE I will, sir. Exit⌉

EVANS ⌈opening the book⌉ Jeshu pless me, how full of cholers I am, and trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals about his knave’s costard when I have good opportunities for the ’ork. Pless my soul!—(Singing)

To shallow rivers, to whose falls

Melodious birds sings madrigals.

There will we make our peds of roses,

And a thousand fragrant posies.

To shallow—

Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.—(Singing)

Melodious birds sing madrigals.—

When as I sat in Pabylon—

And a thousand vagram posies.

To shallow (etc.)

⌈Enter Simple⌉

SIMPLE Yonder he is coming. This way, Sir Hugh.

EVANS He’s welcome.

(Singing) ‘To shallow rivers to whose falls-’

God prosper the right! What weapons is he?

SIMPLE No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master

Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over

the stile this way.

EVANS Pray you give me my gown—or else keep it in your arms.

⌈He reads.⌉

Enter Justice Shallow, Master Slender, and Master

Page

SHALLOW How now, Master Parson? Good morrow, good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful.

SLENDER (aside) Ah, sweet Anne Page!

PAGE God save you, good Sir Hugh.

EVANS God pless you from his mercy sake, all of you.

SHALLOW What, the sword and the Word? Do you study them both, Master Parson?

PAGE And youthful still: in your doublet and hose this raw, rheumatic day I

EVANS There is reasons and causes for it.

PAGE We are come to you to do a good office, Master Parson.

EVANS Fery well. What is it?

PAGE Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike having received wrong by some person, is at most odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.

SHALLOW I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning so wide of his own respect.

EVANS What is he?

PAGE I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the renowned French physician.

EVANS Got’s will and his passion of my heart! I had as lief you would tell me of a mess of pottage.

PAGE Why?

EVANS He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates and Galen, and he is a knave besides—a cowardly knave as you would desires to be acquainted withal.

PAGE ⌈to Shallow⌉ I warrant you, he’s the man should fight with him.

SLENDER (aside) O sweet Anne Page!

SHALLOW It appears so by his weapons.

Enter the Host of the Garter, Doctor Caius, and John Rugby

Keep them asunder—here comes Doctor Caius.

Evans and Caius draw and offer to fight

PAGE Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.

SHALLOW So do you, good Master Doctor.

HOST Disarm them and let them question. Let them keep their limbs whole, and hack our English.

Shallow and Page take Caius’s and Evans’s rapiers

CAIUS (to Evans) I pray you let-a me speak a word with your ear. Wherefore vill you not meet-a me?

EVANS ⌈aside to Caius⌉ Pray you use your patience. ⌈Aloud⌉ In good time!

CAIUS By Gar, you are de coward, de jack-dog, john-ape.

EVANS (aside to Caius) Pray you let us not be laughing-stocks to other men’s humours. I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends. (Aloud) By Jeshu, I will knog your urinal about your knave’s cogscomb.

CAIUS Diable! Jack Rugby, mine Host de Jarteer, have I not stay for him to kill him? Have I not, at de place I did appoint?

EVANS As I am a Christians soul, now look you, this is the place appointed. I’ll be judgement by mine Host of the Garter.

HOST Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh, soul-curer and body-curer.

CAIUS Ay, dat is very good, excellent.

HOST Peace, I say. Hear mine Host of the Garter. Am I politic? Am I subtle? Am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? No, he gives me the potions and the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? No, he gives me the Proverbs and the No-verbs. (To Caius) Give me thy hand terrestrial—so. (To Evans) Give me thy hand celestial—so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both, I have directed you to wrong places. Your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. (To Shallow and Page) Come, lay their swords to pawn. (To Caius and Evans) Follow me, lads of peace, follow, follow, follow. Exit