SHALLOW Afore God, a mad host! Follow, gentlemen, follow. Exeunt Shallow and Page

SLENDER (aside) O sweet Anne Page Exit

CAIUS Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot of us, ha, ha?

EVANS This is well: he has made us his vlouting-stog. I desire you that we may be friends, and let us knog our prains together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the Host of the Garter.

CAIUS By Gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me where is Anne Page. By Gar, he deceive me too.

EVANS Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you follow.

Exeunt

3.2 Enter Robin, followed by Mistress Page

MISTRESS PAGE Nay, keep your way, little gallant. You were wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether had you rather, lead mine eyes, or eye your master’s heels?

ROBIN I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than follow him like a dwarf.

MISTRESS PAGE O, you are a flattering boy! Now I see you’ll be a courtier.

Enter Master Ford

FORD

Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?

MISTRESS PAGE Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?

FORD Ay, and as idle as she may hang together, for want of company. I think if your husbands were dead you two would marry.

MISTRESS PAGE Be sure of that—two other husbands.

FORD Where had you this pretty weathercock?

MISTRESS PAGE I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of.—What do you call your knight’s name, sirrah?

ROBIN Sir John Falstaff.

FORD Sir John Falstaff?

MISTRESS PAGE He, he; I can never hit on’s name. There is such a league between my goodman and he! Is your wife at home indeed?

FORD Indeed she is.

MISTRESS PAGE By your leave, sir, I am sick till I see her. Exeunt Robin and Mistress

FORD Has Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath he any thinking? Sure they sleep; he hath no use of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile, as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score. He pieces out his wife’s inclination; he gives her folly motion and advantage. And now she’s going to my wife, and Falstaff’s boy with her. A man may hear this shower sing in the wind. And Falstaff’s boy with her. Good plots—they are laid; and our revolted wives share damnation together. Well, I will take him; then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the so-seeming Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and wilful Actaeon, and to these violent proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim.

⌈Clock strikes⌉

The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me search. There I shall find Falstaff. I shall be rather praised for this than mocked, for it is as positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is there. I will go.

Enter Master Page, Justice Shallow, Master Slender, the Host of the Garter, Sir Hugh Evans, Doctor Caius, and John Rugby

SHALLOW, PAGE, etc. Well met, Master Ford.

FORD (aside) By my faith, a good knot! (To them) I have good cheer at home, and I pray you all go with me.

SHALLOW I must excuse myself, Master Ford.

SLENDER And so must I, sir. We have appointed to dine with Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for more money than I’ll speak of.

SHALLOW We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer.

SLENDER I hope I have your good will, father Page.

PAGE You have, Master Slender: I stand wholly for you. (To Caius) But my wife, Master Doctor, is for you altogether.

CAIUS Ay, be Gar, and de maid is love-a me. My nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush.

HOST (to Page) What say you to young Master Fenton? He capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth; he writes verses, he speaks holiday, he smells April and May. He will carry‘t, he will carry’t; ’tis in his buttons he will carry’t.

PAGE Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is of no having. He kept company with the wild Prince and Poins. He is of too high a region; he knows too much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of my substance. If he take her, let him take her simply: the wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that way.

FORD I beseech you heartily, some of you go home with me to dinner. Besides your cheer, you shall have sport: I will show you a monster. Master Doctor, you shall go. So shall you, Master Page, and you, Sir Hugh.

SHALLOW Well, God be with you! ⌈Aside to Slender⌉ We shall have the freer wooing at Master Page’s.

Exeunt Shallow and Slender

CAIUS Go home, John Rugby; I come anon. Exit Rugby HOST Farewell, my hearts. I will to my honest knight Falstaff, and drink canary with him. Exit

FORD (aside) I think I shall drink in pipe-wine first with him: I’ll make him dance. (To Page, Caius, and Evans) Will you go, gentles?

⌈PAGE, CAIUS, and EVANS⌉ Have with you to see this monster. Exeunt

3.3 Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page

MISTRESS FORD What, John! What, Robert!

MISTRESS PAGE Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket-

MISTRESS FORD I warrant.—What, Robert, I say!

MISTRESS PAGE Come, come, come!

Enter John and Robert, with a buck-basket

MISTRESS FORD Here, set it down.

MISTRESS PAGE Give your men the charge. We must be brief.

MISTRESS FORD Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be ready here hard by in the brew-house; and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause or staggering take this basket on your shoulders. That done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames’ side.

MISTRESS PAGE (to John and Robert) You will do it?

MISTRESS FORD I ha’ told them over and over; they lack no direction.—Be gone, and come when you are called.

Exeunt John and Robert

Enter Robin

MISTRESS PAGE Here comes little Robin.

MISTRESS FORD How now, my eyas-musket, what news with you?

ROBIN My master Sir John is come in at your back door, Mistress Ford, and requests your company.

MISTRESS PAGE You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?

ROBIN Ay, I’ll be sworn. My master knows not of your being here, and hath threatened to put me into everlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for he swears he’ll turn me away.

MISTRESS PAGE Thou’rt a good boy. This secrecy of thine shall be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a new doublet and hose.—I’ll go hide me.

MISTRESS FORD Do so. (To Robin) Go tell thy master I am alone. Exit Robin Mistress Page, remember you your cue.

MISTRESS PAGE I warrant thee. If I do not act it, hiss me.

MISTRESS FORD Go to, then. ⌈Exit Mistress Page⌉

We’ll use this unwholesome humidity, this gross watery

pumpkin. We’ll teach him to know turtles from jays.

Enter Sir John Falstaff

SIR JOHN Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough. This is the period of my ambition. O, this blessed hour!

MISTRESS FORD O sweet Sir John!

SIR JOHN Mistress Ford, I cannot cog; I cannot prate, Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would thy husband were dead. I’ll speak it before the best lord. I would make thee my lady.

MISTRESS FORD I your lady, Sir John? Alas, I should be a pitiful lady.

SIR JOHN Let the court of France show me such another. I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond. Thou hast the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian admittance.

MISTRESS FORD A plain kerchief, Sir John—my brows become nothing else, nor that well neither.