PISTOL

Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen pence?

SIR JOHN Reason, you rogue, reason. Thinkest thou I’ll endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me. I am no gibbet for you. Go, a short knife and a throng, to your manor of Pickt-hatch, go. You’ll not bear a letter for me, you rogue? You stand upon your honour? Why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the terms of my honour precise. Ay, ay, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand, and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you, you rogue, will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! You will not do it, you?

PISTOL ⌈sheathing his sword⌉

I do relent. What wouldst thou more of man?

Enter Robin

ROBIN Sir, here’s a woman would speak with you.

SIR JOHN Let her approach.

Enter Mistress Quickly

MISTRESS QUICKLY Give your worship good morrow.

SIR JOHN Good morrow, goodwife.

MISTRESS QUICKLY Not so, an’t please your worship.

SIR JOHN Good maid, then.

MISTRESS QUICKLY I’ll be sworn: as my mother was the first hour I was born.

SIR JOHN I do believe the swearer. What with me?

MISTRESS QUICKLY Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?

SIR JOHN Two thousand, fair woman, and I’ll vouchsafe thee the hearing.

MISTRESS QUICKLY There is one Mistress Ford, sir—I pray come a little nearer this ways.

She draws Sir John aside

I myself dwell with Master Doctor Caius—

SIR JOHN Well, on. Mistress Ford, ybu say.

MISTRESS QUICKLY Your worship says very true. I pray your worship come a little nearer this ways.

SIR JOHN I warrant thee nobody hears. Mine own people, mine own people.

MISTRESS QUICKLY Are they so? God bless them and make them His servants!

SIR JOHN Well, Mistress Ford: what of her?

MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, sir, she’s a good creature. Lord, Lord, your worship’s a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you, and all of us, I pray—

SIR JOHN Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford.

MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, this is the short and the long of it. You have brought her into such a canaries as ’tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches; I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift, smelling so sweetly, all musk; and so rustling, I warrant you, in silk and gold, and in such aligant terms, and in such wine and sugar of the best and the fairest, that would have won any woman’s heart; and, I warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her. I had myself twenty angels given me this morning—but I defy all angels, in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of honesty. And, I warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all. And yet there has been earls, nay, which is more, pensioners. But, I warrant you, all is one with her.

SIR JOHN But what says she to me? Be brief, my good she-Mercury.

MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which she thanks you a thousand times, and she gives you to notify that her husband will be absence from his house between ten and eleven.

SIR JOHN Ten and eleven.

MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth, and then you may come and see the picture, she says, that you wot of. Master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas, the sweet woman leads an ill life with him. He’s a very jealousy man. She leads a very frampold life with him, good heart.

SIR JOHN Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her. I will not fail her.

MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you too; and, let me tell you in your ear, she’s as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe’er be the other; and she bade me tell your worship that her husband is seldom from home, but she hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon a man. Surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth.

SIR JOHN Not I, I assure thee. Setting the attraction of my good parts aside, I have no other charms.

MISTRESS QUICKLY Blessing on your heart for’t!

SIR JOHN But I pray thee tell me this: has Ford’s wife and Page’s wife acquainted each other how they love me?

MISTRESS QUICKLY O God no, sir; that were a jest indeed! They have not so little grace, I hope. That were a trick indeed! But Mistress Page would desire you to send her your little page of all loves. Her husband has a marvellous infection to the little page; and, truly, Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a better life than she does. Do what she will; say what she will; take all, pay all; go to bed when she list; rise when she list; all is as she will. And, truly, she deserves it, for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send her your page, no remedy.

SIR JOHN Why, I will.

MISTRESS QUICKLY Nay, but do so, then; and, look you, he may come and go between you both. And in any case have a nay-word, that you may know one another’s mind, and the boy never need to understand anything—for ’tis not good that children should know any wickedness. Old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say, and know the world.

SIR JOHN Fare thee well. Commend me to them both. There’s my purse; I am yet thy debtor.—Boy, go along with this woman. Exeunt Mistress Quickly and Robin (Aside) This news distracts me.

PISTOL (aside)

This punk is one of Cupid’s carriers.

Clap on more sails! Pursue! Up with your sights!

Give fire! She is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!

Exit

SIR JOHN Sayst thou so, old Jack? Go thy ways! I’ll make more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say ’tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no matter.

Enter Bardolph, ⌈with sack⌉

BARDOLPH Sir John, there’s one Master Brooke below would fain speak with you and be acquainted with you, and hath sent your worship a morning’s draught of sack.

SIR JOHN Brooke is his name?

BARDOLPH Ay, sir.

SIR JOHN Call him in. ⌈Drinking sack⌉ Such Brookes are welcome to me, that o’ehlows such liquor.

Exit Bardolph

Aha, Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I

encompassed you? ⌈Drinking⌉ Go to. Via!

Enter Bardolph, and Master Ford disguised as Brooke

FORD God bless you, sir.

SIR JOHN And you, sir. Would you speak with me?

FORD I make bold to press with so little preparation upon you.

SIR JOHN You’re welcome. What’s your will? (To Bardolph) Give us leave, drawer. Exit Bardolph

FORD Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much. My name is Brooke.

SIR JOHN Good Master Brooke, I desire more acquaintance of you.

FORD Good Sir John, I sue for yours—not to charge you, for I must let you understand I think myself in better plight for a lender than you are; the which hath something emboldened me to this unseasoned intrusion; for they say if money go before, all ways do lie open.

SIR JOHN Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.

FORD Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me. If you will help to bear it, Sir John, take half, or all, for easing me of the carriage.

SIR JOHN Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.

FORD I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.