PISTOL

As many devils entertain, and ‘To her, boy!’ say I.

NIM The humour rises; it is good. Humour me the angels!

SIR JOHN (showing letters) I have writ me here a letter to her—and here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.

PISTOL

Then did the sun on dunghill shine.

NIM I thank thee for that humour.

SIR JOHN O, she did so course o’er my exteriors, with such a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here’s another letter to her. She bears the purse too. She is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me. They shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. (Giving a letter to Pistol) Go bear thou this letter to Mistress Page, (giving a letter to Nim) and thou this to Mistress Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.

PISTOL (returning the letter)

Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,

And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all.

NIM (returning the letter) I will run no base humour. Here, take the humour-letter. I will keep the haviour of reputation.

SIR JOHN (to Robin)

Hold, sirrah. Bear you these letters tightly.

Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.

He gives Robin the letters

Rogues, hence, avaunt! Vanish like hailstones! Go!

Trudge, plod, away o’th’ hoof, seek shelter, pack!

Falstaff will learn the humour of the age:

French thrift, you rogues—myself and skirted page.

Exeunt Sir John and Robin

PISTOL

Let vultures gripe thy guts!—for gourd and fullam

holds,

And high and low beguiles the rich and poor.

Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,

Base Phrygian Turk!

NIM

I have operations which be humours of revenge.

PISTOL

Wilt thou revenge?

NIM By welkin and her stars!

PISTOL

With wit or steel?

NIM With both the humours, I.

I will discuss the humour of this love to Ford.

PISTOL

And I to Page shall eke unfold

How Falstaff, varlet vile,

His dove will prove, his gold will hold,

And his soft couch defile.

NIM My humour shall not cool. I will incense Ford to deal with poison; I will possess him with yellowness; for this revolt of mine is dangerous. That is my true humour.

PISTOL

Thou art the Mars of malcontents.

I second thee. Troop on. Exeunt

1.4 Enter Mistress Quickly and Simple

MISTRESS QUICKLY What, John Rugby!

Enter John Rugby

I pray thee, go to the casement and see if you can see

my master, Master Doctor Caius, coming. If he do,

i’faith, and find anybody in the house, here will be an

old abusing of God’s patience and the King’s English.

RUGBY I’ll go watch.

MISTRESS QUICKLY Go; and we’ll have a posset for’t soon at night, in faith, at the latter end of a seacoal fire.

Exit Rugby

An honest, willing, kind fellow as ever servant shall come in house withal; and, I warrant you, no telltale, nor no breedbate. His worst fault is that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish that way—but nobody but has his fault. But let that pass. Peter Simple you say your name is?

SIMPLE Ay, for fault of a better.

MISTRESS QUICKLY And Master Slender’s your master ?

SIMPLE Ay, forsooth.

MISTRESS QUICKLY Does he not wear a great round beard, like a glover’s paring-knife?

SIMPLE No, forsooth; he hath but a little whey face, with a little yellow beard, a Cain-coloured beard.

MISTRESS QUICKLY A softly spirited man, is he not?

SIMPLE Ay, forsooth; but he is as tall a man of his hands as any is between this and his head. He hath fought with a warrener.

MISTRESS QUICKLY How say you?—O, I should remember him: does he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?

SIMPLE Yes, indeed does he.

MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! Tell Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your master. Anne is a good girl, and I wish—

Enter Rugby

RUGBY Out, alas, here comes my master! ⌈Exit⌉

MISTRESS QUICKLY We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man; for God’s sake, go into this closet. He will not stay long.

Simple steps into the closet

What, John Rugby! John! What, John, I say!

⌈Enter Rugby⌉

⌈Speaking loudly⌉ Go, John, go enquire for my master. I

doubt he be not well, that he comes not home.

⌈Exit Rugby⌉

(Singing) ’And down, down, adown-a’ (etc.)

Enter Doctor Caius

CAIUS Vat is you sing? I do not like dese toys. Pray you go and vetch me in my closet un boîtier vert—a box, a green-a box. Do intend vat I speak? A green-a box.

MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth, I’ll fetch it you. (Aside) I am glad he went not in himself. If he had found the young man, he would have been horn-mad.

She goes to fetch the box

CAIUS Fe, fe, fe, fe! Ma foi, il fait fort chaud! Je m’en vais à la cour. La grande affaire.

MISTRESS QUICKLY Is it this, sir?

CAIUS Oui. Mets-le à ma pochette. Dépêche, quickly! Vere is dat knave Rugby?

MISTRESS QUICKLY What, John Rugby! John!

⌈Enter Rugby⌉

RUGBY Here, sir.

CAIUS You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come, take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the court.

RUGBY ’Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.

He fetches the rapier

CAIUS By my trot, I tarry too long. ’Od’s me, qu’ai-j’oublié? Dere is some simples in my closet dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.

MISTRESS QUICKLY (aside) Ay me, he’ll find the young man there, and be mad.

CAIUS (discovering Simple) O diable, diable! Vat is in my closet? Villainy, larron! Rugby, my rapier!

He takes the rapier

MISTRESS QUICKLY Good master, be content.

CAIUS Wherefore shall I be content-a?

MISTRESS QUICKLY The young man is an honest man.

CAIUS What shall de honest man do in my closet? Dere is no honest man dat shall come in my closet.

MISTRESS QUICKLY I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truth of it. He came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.

CAIUS Vell.

SIMPLE Ay, forsooth, to desire her to—

MISTRESS QUICKLY Peace, I pray you.

CAIUS Peace-a your tongue. (To Simple) Speak-a your tale.

SIMPLE To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my master in the way of marriage.

MISTRESS QUICKLY This is all, indeed, la; but I’ll ne’er put my finger in the fire an need not.

CAIUS Sir Hugh send-a you?—Rugby, baile me some paper.

Rugby brings paper

(To Simple) Tarry you a little-a while.

Caius writes

MISTRESS QUICKLY (aside to Simple) I am glad he is so quiet. If he had been throughly moved, you should have heard him so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding, man, I’ll do your master what good I can. And the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my master—I may call him my master, look you, for I keep his house, and I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds, and do all myself—