MISTRESS FORD ’Boarding’ call you it? I’ll be sure to keep him above deck.

MISTRESS PAGE So will I. If he come under my hatches, I’ll never to sea again. Let’s be revenged on him. Let’s appoint him a meeting, give him a show of comfort in his suit, and lead him on with a fine baited delay till he hath pawned his horses to mine Host of the Garter.

MISTRESS FORD Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against him that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O that my husband saw this letter! It would give eternal food to his jealousy.

Enter Master Ford with Pistol, and Master Page with Nim

MISTRESS PAGE Why, look where he comes, and my goodman too. He’s as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause; and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable distance.

MISTRESS FORD You are the happier woman.

MISTRESS PAGE Let’s consult together against this greasy knight. Come hither.

They withdraw.

FORD Well, I hope it be not so.

PISTOL

Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs.

Sir John affects thy wife.

FORD Why, sir, my wife is not young.

PISTOL

He woos both high and low, both rich and poor,

Both young and old, one with another, Ford.

He loves the gallimaufry, Ford. Perpend.

FORD Love my wife?

PISTOL

With liver burning hot. Prevent,

Or go thou like Sir Actaeon, he,

With Ringwood at thy heels.

O, odious is the name!

FORD What name, sir?

PISTOL The horn, I say. Farewell.

Take heed; have open eye; for thieves do foot by night.

Take heed ere summer comes, or cuckoo-birds do

sing.—

Away, Sir Corporal Nim!—Believe it, Page; he speaks

sense. Exit

FORD (aside) I will be patient. I will find out this.

NIM (to Page) And this is true. I like not the humour of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours. I should have borne the humoured letter to her; but I have a sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife. There’s the short and the long. My name is Corporal Nim. I speak and I avouch ’tis true.

My name is Nim, and Falstaff loves your wife. Adieu.

I love not the humour of bread and cheese. Adieu.

Exit

PAGE (aside) The humour of it, quoth a? Here’s a fellow frights English out of his wits.

FORD (aside) I will seek out Falstaff.

PAGE (aside) I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.

FORD (aside) If I do find it—well.

PAGE (aside) I will not believe such a Cathayan though the priest o’th’ town commended him for a true man.

FORD (aside) ’Twas a good, sensible fellow. Well.

Mistress Page and Mistress Ford come forward

PAGE How now, Meg?

MISTRESS PAGE Whither go you, George? Hark you.

They talk apart

MISTRESS FORD How now, sweet Frank? Why art thou melancholy?

FORD I melancholy? I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.

MISTRESS FORD Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head now. Will you go, Mistress Page?

MISTRESS PAGE Have with you.—You’ll come to dinner, George?

Enter Mistress Quickly

(Aside to Mistress Ford) Look who comes yonder. She shall be our messenger to this paltry knight.

MISTRESS FORD (aside to Mistress Page) Trust me, I thought on her. She’ll fit it.

MISTRESS PAGE (to Mistress Quickly) You are come to see my daughter Anne?

MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth; and I pray how does good Mistress Anne?

MISTRESS PAGE Go in with us and see. We have an hour’s talk with you.

Exeunt Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and Mistress Quickly

PAGE How now, Master Ford?

FORD You heard what this knave told me, did you not?

PAGE Yes, and you heard what the other told me?

FORD Do you think there is truth in them?

PAGE Hang ’em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer it. But these that accuse him in his intent towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men—very rogues, now they be out of service.

FORD Were they his men?

PAGE Marry, were they.

FORD I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the Garter?

PAGE Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head.

FORD I do not misdoubt my wife, but I would be loath to turn them together. A man may be too confident. I would have nothing lie on my head. I cannot be thus satisfied.

Enter the Host of the Garter

PAGE Look where my ranting Host of the Garter comes. There is either liquor in his pate or money in his purse when he looks so merrily.—How now, mine Host?

HOST God bless you, bully rook, God bless you! Thou’rt a gentleman.

Enter Shallow

Cavaliero Justice, I say!

SHALLOW I follow, mine Host, I follow.—Good even and twenty, good Master Page. Master Page, will you go with us? We have sport in hand.

HOST Tell him, Cavaliero Justice, tell him, bully rook.

SHALLOW Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh, the Welsh priest, and Caius, the French doctor.

FORD Good mine Host o’th’ Garter, a word with you.

HOST What sayst thou, my bully rook?

They talk apart

SHALLOW (to Page) Will you go with us to behold it? My merry Host hath had the measuring of their weapons, and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places. For, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.

They talk apart

HOST (to Ford) Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest cavaliero?

⌈FORD⌉ None, I protest. But I’ll give you a pottle of burnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell him my name is Brooke—only for a jest.

HOST My hand, bully. Thou shalt have egress and regress—said I well?—and thy name shall be Brooke. It is a merry knight. (To Shallow and Page) Will you go, mijn’heers?

SHALLOW Have with you, mine Host.

PAGE I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his rapier.

SHALLOW Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these times you stand on distance—your passes, stoccados, and I know not what. ‘Tis the heart, Master Page; ⌈showing his rapier-passes⌉ ’tis here, ’tis here. I have seen the time with my long sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.

HOST Here, boys; here, here! Shall we wag?

PAGE Have with you. I had rather hear them scold than fight. Exeunt Host, Shallow, and Page

FORD Though Page be a secure fool and stands so firmly on his wife’s frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily. She was in his company at Page’s house, and what they made there I know not. Well, I will look further into’t; and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not my labour. If she be otherwise, ’tis labour well bestowed. Exit

2.2 Enter Sir John Falstaff and Pistol

SIR JOHN I will not lend thee a penny.

PISTOL

I will retort the sum in equipage.

SIR JOHN Not a penny.

PISTOL ⌈drawing his sword⌉ Why then, the world’s mine oyster, which I with sword will open.

SIR JOHN Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should lay my countenance to pawn. I have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow Nim, or else you had looked through the grate like a gemini of baboons. I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows. And when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took’t upon mine honour thou hadst it not.